


Miracles: Sweet Pool Ficlets Collection

by Shinocchi



Series: Prompts & Requests [4]
Category: sweet pool
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Character Study, Domestic, Drabble Collection, Ficlet Collection, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hand Jobs, M/M, One Shot Collection, POV Multiple
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-13 15:22:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 45,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9130348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shinocchi/pseuds/Shinocchi
Summary: Contains ficlets and drabbles based on various themes.Updates will be done randomly. Please be aware that some of the drabbles may contain triggers, do refer to the warnings in the author notes.For easy navigation, I would suggest to refer tomy story list pagewhere you could find summaries of each stories depending on which pairing you're interested in :)::: Updated :::|||Just Enough- Tetsuo x Youji|||Just That Simple- Tetsuo x Youji|||Connected- Tetsuo x Youji|||Wordless- Tetsuo x Youji|||Melt In You- Tetsuo x Youji|||Yours- Tetsuo x Youji





	1. Just Enough

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rocchan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rocchan/gifts).



_Forever… Does it exist?_

A question no one had the answer to; a question he wanted the answer to. He never thought too deep about this, about life, about death; about anything in general. He never thought that he’d need to think too much about it. Life is just… life. That’s about it. He never felt the need to delve too much into the matter. Everyone dies at the end of the day anyway. It’s futile to be thinking so much about it.

Whenever he was to open his eyes – seeing light, feeling soft ray of sunlight hitting his pale skin – he’d need a few moments to come back to reality, to _recognize_ his reality; that he was still very much alive, breathing, heart pumping. But he knew that his heart no longer beat for himself, and the sole reason he felt so very much alive, was because his heart was also beating for someone else.

He turned his head, just enough to make out the outline of another man sleeping soundly by his side. A small smile graced his features upon seeing the peaceful mein of the other man, breathing slow, arms clinging onto him as his head pressed against his chest. He didn’t remember them falling asleep in this position; _he_ must have moved towards him out of his own instinct when he was asleep–

– as naturally as their innate nature would.

He lifted a hand, skin numb with Tetsuo’s weight as he struggled to stroke weak fingers along the back of the sleeping man’s head. All the man did was shift a little, his embrace just a tad firmer, before his eyelashes flutter.

Youji’s breath was caught in his chest. His motion frozen, he stared as Tetsuo opened his eyes, slowly, his expression soft and tender. It was very unlike the expression Youji was used to seeing on him, one that was often vigilant and unreadable.

Now, however, he could read everything on Tetsuo’s face, from the way he lifted his eyes to look at him, to the way he inched close towards his face, then kissed him softly on the cheek.

Tetsuo was just like that. He spoke no words, showed no expression, but every single one of his actions was louder than any words or expressions he was to show. It was a part of him that Youji had come to find endearment in, a part of him which portrayed the most genuine of intention.

Tetsuo pressed his head against the crook of Youji’s neck before Youji could say anything, completely transfixed over his mere actions. But soon, he found Tetsuo creeping his head towards his chest instead, one hand slipping up to hold him closer by the waist, his eyes closed, his face immersed in bliss.

He was listening to Youji’s heartbeats; a habit he’d picked up ever since they found themselves waking up in each other’s arms after acknowledging how different yet similar they were to each other. Youji never knew why Tetsuo would do this. It’d caught him off guard when he first did it, wondering what his intention was, and wondering if he would ever understand Tetsuo at all.

Would Tetsuo tell him if he was to ask him? Would Tetsuo have the answers to all of his questions?

Would Tetsuo tell him if there’d be a forever for them?

His mind wandering off, he found his hand return to the back of Tetsuo’s head again, fondling with the short tips of his hair, all the while pressing Tetsuo close to himself.

“Good morning.”

Tetsuo’s voice was hoarse when he spoke; it was low and husky. It threw Youji into a state of confusion. He never knew how to respond to Tetsuo whenever he spoke to him. He never knew what was Tetsuo expecting from him. But he responded nevertheless, mustering the most natural sort of way he knew.

“Morning.”

Tetsuo merely responded with a small release of breath, one that hit him directly on the chest. He shivered out of reflex, the coldness of his body smeared with placid warmth when he felt just a tad of Tetsuo’s warmth.

Was he always this warm, though? he wondered. Exactly how much did he never know of Tetsuo?

“Do you want to get up?” he asked, lack of better things to say.

But all Tetsuo did was keeping silent, no movement, no voice – just quiet.

“Just a bit,” he muttered, inhaling deeply then pulling Youji closer again.

How long more could they stay like this? Youji thought to himself as he closed his eyes, hugging Tetsuo with both his arms, as if he was holding onto something precious, something that meant the world to him. How long more could they stay in peace like this untill they’re being torn apart, then become one?

All they had ever wanted was something simple, something routine, something that could draw the most natural part out of each other.

All they had ever wanted was to be able to hold onto each other like this, to wake up in each other’s arms, to greet another day with no qualms whatsoever of when they would meet an abrupt end.

And all they had ever wanted was to be able to call each other’s name again, as if it was just right, just normal, just like any other persons alive.

They needed no forever, they needed no happily ever after.

They needed ‘now’, and that’s the only type of ‘forever’ they ever needed.

   



	2. Just That Simple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing is really simple for them. Because the simplest things are exactly what they yearn for.

It was just like any other summer. Threads of light lingered in the sky as the red orb sank slowly beneath the horizon, mingling with the rolling clouds, warm sensation splashed on their skin as they sat in the garden. It was a routine they’d come to share; a routine they’d deem to be the simplest thing in the world.

Natural, yet significant.

It was at this time that they let the weight on their shoulders down, their breathing relaxed as they shared comfortable silence between them. They didn’t need a lot of words, they didn’t need a lot of interactions; they simply needed to be in each other’s presence, finding comfort in the mere fact that they had each other close by their side.

“Ah, he’s here.”

Youji’s soft voice broke the tranquility between them as he lifted a small smile, staring as a black cat popped its head out of the bush, then made unhurried steps towards them. It was nothing spectacular; it looked just like any other stray cat one would find by the roadside – just like both of them. But yet, when it cuddled close into Youji’s inviting arm, it became a personification of happiness, of normality they both yearned for, and a thread of bond between them that they’d come to cherish.

“He’s always so punctual,” Youji said under his breath, as if speaking to himself. He played with the cat’s paws, chuckling as the cat sent a comforting purr back at him before it sprawled itself on Youji’s lap, perfectly comfortable.

“I wouldn’t have believed that he doesn’t stay here if you didn’t tell me that you don’t rear cats in your house. He seems strangely attached to you.”

He knew he himself was too. It wasn’t something he could explain very well. Perhaps this cat wouldn’t be able to understand either. But there was no way he could tell Tetsuo as easily as how he did the cat. He tried to look away, tried not to mind too much of how Tetsuo had been staring at him all this time, and tried to focus his attention on the cat instead as he stroked the cat’s fur, the soft sensation against his skin a contrast to the loud thumping of his own heartbeats in his ears.

He could feel Tetsuo’s stare, he could make out the thin smile he was wearing, and he wanted so very much to look at him, to witness this moment with his own eyes.

But yet, he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

Why, though? he wondered. It’s just Tetsuo. He thought he’d come to know him better ever since they opened up to each other.

He could feel Tetsuo inching closer towards him but he remained rooted on the spot, the soft lick the cat had just given him drew a smile on his face. He was about to say something, but the cat sat up, leapt out of his arms and walked towards Tetsuo instead, the warm expression he initially wore replaced with a surprised mien.

“He wants to play with you,” Youji grinned.

The cat sat by Tetsuo’s lap, staring at him, purring softly, as if asking for something.

“Go on,” Youji nudged Tetsuo lightly on the arm. Only then that Tetsuo picked the cat up, putting it on his lap before he stroked its fur, hearing a contented purr the moment he did that.

“He’s _really_ attached to you,” Youji repeated. He stretched a hand and patted the cat on the head, bringing their distance closer, barely any space left between them. He could clearly feel Tetsuo’s breathing, _almost_ hearing his heartbeats, pounding loudly as if he was hearing his own. He could feel Tetsuo’s warmth, vibrating off him, attracting him. He could feel Tetsuo’s gaze, still staring at him. And when he looked up, Tetsuo looked away, as if he’d suddenly gain interest in the cat.

With a fond smile, he leaned, enough to peck Tetsuo softly on the cheek, the mere touch disappeared as soon as it came.

Tetsuo was no longer staring at the cat. He _knew_ he was staring at him. He was surprised with what he just did. Why did he do that, though? He only wanted to take a good look at Tetsuo’s face, to capture that tiny hint of expression that he may never see before. All he wanted was to see more of Tetsuo’s expression, to memorize them, but before he knew it, he’d done more than that.

He felt heat rising to his cheeks. He avoided gaze with Tetsuo, not wanting to see the surprise reflecting on Tetsuo’s face.

But then, he felt a touch, as soft as the one he’d just given Tetsuo, on his own cheek and he looked up, just to see Tetsuo _smiling_ at him.

He wanted to memorize this smile, to remember it while it lasted. \

He wanted to acknowledge that this very man, who was once so detached and once so _cold_ , could smile in this way too.

Tetsuo was leaning closer to him as he stared, their fingers intertwined as Youji closed his eyes, all prepared for what was to come. Tetsuo’s breath was on his face now; he could scarcely feel the light brush of their lips.

Then, he heard a purr, interrupting their silence, and opening his eyes just to see the cat licking on Tetsuo’s cheek.

He chuckled. He couldn’t help it. Tetsuo looked visibly confused, startled even, but he pulled what seemed like another smile when he saw Youji’s beam. Stroking the cat gently on the back, he leaned towards Youji, catching him in a surprise kiss, snatching all laugher out of him at the same time.

The gentle summer breeze made leaves rustle in a rhythm, the sun sunk low to the hills, disappearing beneath the horizon.

It didn’t matter. Summer or not, it didn’t matter after all. Because all that they could feel was the warm radiance of heat from each other, and that was the only comfort they needed, the only comfort they yearned for.

As simple as that.


	3. Connected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s only one thing you feel from him.

You thought you know everything about him – his dark, black hair and his pale skin, contrastingly transparent, the fine texture a prominent feature of his own. But what caught your attention from the very first time you’d met him was his pair of black eyes, spelling of nothing but profound distrust. He doesn’t look at you, he doesn’t look at anyone. He’s not interested, and you can understand why.

There’s a world between the both of you that no one else would ever understand – it’s a world of abyss, of a tunnel with no light at the end. It’s a world that only belongs to the both of you; it connects you, makes you feel _normal_. It is a world you never belong in, a world you never want to be part of. But like you, his body doesn’t belong to him, your body doesn’t belong to you. You don’t belong to yourself, but you belong to each other, and you thought that’s more than enough.

You don’t need to belong to yourself. All you need is a place to belong. It doesn’t need to be in your body, you don’t need to be in full control of it. And when you found him, you know that you’ve found your own answer all at the same time.

You want him, you yearn for him, you’re attracted to him. He’s not like anyone else. He’s _yours_ and you’re very well aware of it. He’s your other half that you have been searching for; he’s the _you_ that would fill your void. You know it better than anyone else – but he doesn’t.

He doesn’t know who he is, he wouldn’t believe who he is. You want to tell him, but you feel you shouldn’t. He feels normal, so he should continue feeling so.

Maybe perhaps until one day when both of your fates are to fall upon you that you will lead him to the truth. Perhaps that day wouldn’t come. You never know, he doesn’t need to know. He’s not like you. He’s precious. He needs to be sheltered, in all senses possible.

So you stay put. You should stay put. You are not one to crush others dreams, definitely not his.

But you stare. You always stare.

Even until when he needs to know the truth, you’ll continue staring, using ways you know best to protect him, as best as you could.


	4. Wordless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is more than one way for them to communicate – not words.

He told him to look after himself. He said he would. But now that he’s looking at him, frowning at the fresh scars, wincing at how Tetsuo was still wearing a dismissive expression on his face, he came to understand that perhaps Tetsuo didn’t get what ‘look after himself’ meant after all.

Their silence was palpable while Youji cleaned the wound for him; he didn’t wince, no expression, no sound, nothing. But the thoughts in Youji’s head were loud and clear and distracting and he wondered how exactly should he deal with Tetsuo. Tetsuo wasn’t doing anything wrong at all, but he couldn’t bear himself having to face seeing Tetsuo coming back with claw marks all over his arms (sometimes his face), even though those were from reasons that were far from lethal.  
  
He sighed at the thought. Those scars… he knew they would heal with time, but there were still scars, still pain. Did Tetsuo feel pain at all? Did he mind it at all? Tetsuo had his eyes fixed on Youji the entire time, obviously wanting to say something. Youji had come to understand what that stare meant by now. But he avoided it. He didn’t know what to say to him either. He didn’t want to reprimand him, he just wanted Tetsuo to feel that even though he could be reckless and mindless with himself, he’d always be by his side, cleaning his wound for him, and gently reminding him to not overdo things.  
  
“You–” Tetsuo was about to say something, his limit finally reached, when Youji leaned forward, kissing the back of his hand where a deeper scar fell, drowning all of Tetsuo’s remaining words down his throat.  
  
“Please just,” Youji started, not knowing what to say, not knowing how to say – but he just needed to. “take better care of yourself.”  
  
It’s simple, as simple as that. Nothing complicated, no hidden message. It’s everything Youji wanted to say, everything Youji wanted of Tetsuo.  
  
He felt Tetsuo’s hand tremble ever so slightly where he pressed his lips. His attention wavered, even more so when he felt Tetsuo’s palm against his face, his finger sliding down to his chin as he lifted his face up, bringing them to fix gaze with each other.  
  
He wasn’t sure if Tetsuo understood what he was trying to say. But Tetsuo wasn’t a man with words anyway – the way he leaned downwards to kiss Youji a solid evidence of it, the way he caressed his cheek in a feather-light way a careful form of communication.  
  
Perhaps Tetsuo was talking to him, using his very own way, apologizing to Youji, telling Youji that he understood. And Youji couldn’t help but return his kiss, using his very own way, just to tell Tetsuo that he would still be here, regardless when Tetsuo needed him.  
  
Like how Tetsuo did.


	5. Melt In You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s only one way to warm you up.

Winter wind howled through the desolate marsh and bit at his frozen skin. Days were short, nights were long, the dampness creeping into his weary bones made his body ache. He rubbed his hands, blowing hot air into his palms as he stared into a distance, finding for that shadow he was already all so familiar with.

Winter wasn’t his favourite season; it chilled him from the inside, from the outside, it made him want to lie down and not do anything until spring made its way back into his lawn. He wasn’t weak, but there was just something with the cold weather that would never fail to slow his motions down and he hated that feeling.

With a soft sigh, he stared into the distance again, pulling his scarf up to cover his mouth before he caught sight of a shadow that had his eyes brightening.

The man seemed no less edgy than him; he moved in hasty steps, looking around, and stopped only when he spotted him.

He was about to step out of the station, but the man was quicker. He was almost running towards him.

“Waited for long?”

Winter was cold; it’s horrible. It drained the energy out of him – it was never his favourite season. But as he heard _his_ voice, coupled with the look he was so very fond towards, nothing mattered anymore. The chilly breeze didn’t matter, the frostiness where his skin was exposed didn’t matter.

Because what mattered was the pair of warm palms pressed against his face, and the soft kiss on his lips that’d melted the ice within him.

“Let’s go home.” It was the same low voice, quiet yet gentle.

It was his favourite voice.

With a nod, he smiled, entwining their fingers together as they walked out of the station, the winter breeze no longer bothered him.


	6. Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He couldn’t help it. It’s not like he wants to feel this way. It’s all Tetsuo’s fault. Yeah. It’s all his fault.

Again.

He counted. This had been the third time this week that he came to witness Tetsuo with another person, in a corner of the school building, all by themselves. And it’s not just _any_ person. It’s a _girl_ , with a letter in her hand, and blushes all over her face.

He didn’t need a genius to tell him exactly what was happening. The girl was obviously having difficulties trying to say what she wanted to express while Tetsuo merely stared, with no response whatsoever, as if he’d gotten used to it.

It’s exasperating Youji. For some reason.

It’s not like he’s trying to control what Tetsuo was doing. Tetsuo was free to do whatever he wanted, he’d told him for the countless times and meant every word he said. He trusted Tetsuo, he knew him well enough to know the extent of things he would and wouldn’t do.

But he couldn’t help feeling this way when it happened right before his very eyes, every ounce of his nerves vibrating with edginess, his breath ensnared beneath his chest as he tried as hard as he could to sustain himself.

The girl had finally spelled her thoughts out, but Tetsuo remained unmoved, as if she’d said nothing at all.

Then—

“I—“

He rushed away before Tetsuo could finish speaking. He didn’t want to know what he wanted to say, he didn’t want to suspect Tetsuo. Tetsuo had and will always stay true to his words. And he wanted to believe in him.

He really did.

“Youji.”

He jumped a tad when he heard someone calling him. Looking up, he saw Makoto leaning against his table, smiling blazingly.

“What’s wrong? You look down.”

“Nothing,” Youji said out of reflex. He wasn’t sure if he was even in the right state to talk to someone else. His entire mind had been bustling with what he saw with Tetsuo, what Tetsuo had always told him, what he always told Tetsuo.

Tetsuo…

“Did Shironuma do anything that’d offended you?” Makoto pressed.

He didn’t say anything. Well, it wasn’t like Tetsuo _did_ anything to make him angry, but it’s still because of _him_ that he’s feeling so irritated like this so he couldn’t deny entirely what Makoto was accusing of Tetsuo. He didn’t even know how to respond.

“He did, didn’t he?” Makoto raged, Youji’s lack of response an answer of its own.

“It’s not that,” Youji immediately defended.

“Youji, you’re way too nice to him,” Makoto grumbled. “He did something, I’m sure of it. I’ll go and—“

“Makoto!” Youji stood, pulling him back by the wrist. “It’s not what you think it is!”

“Really?” Makoto countered with a suspicious stare at Youji’s direction. “Argh, this is so annoying. Every time when it comes to Shironuma, Youji would—“

“Sakiyama.”

Makoto’s words froze in mid-air upon hearing the voice. He turned, so sharply it almost caused Youji to tumble and fall before both of them set eyes on the source of the voice.

“Shironuma…”

He wasn’t sure if he was ready to face him in this state. Did Tetsuo hear anything from what they said earlier? When they set eyes on each other, he couldn’t help but look away, feeling Tetsuo’s gaze being too searing to endure. He should’ve gotten used to it by now, but he couldn’t help but feel edgy when Tetsuo was staring at him like this. It’s as if he could see right through Youji and it was making him feel extremely bad for suspecting him in the first place.

“Isn’t it lunch now?” Tetsuo said, sounding as contemptuous as usual. He couldn’t really tell if Tetsuo had heard what they were talking about like this.

“Y-yeah,” he said, standing up. And, simply waving a hasty goodbye at Makoto, he walked out of the classroom, not even sure if Tetsuo was following him.

He only released a truncated breath of relief when he heard the door close behind him upon reaching the rooftop, his usual lunch spot. Why was he even doubting if Tetsuo was following him anyway? Nothing really happened between them, it’s only natural for them to have lunch together like this. They sat on their usual spot, feeling the familiar breeze of air brushing against them as they started on their lunch. Tetsuo pushed the usual bread to his direction, which he took without a second thought. He had his eyes fixed on Tetsuo the entire time, trying to spot the slightest hint of discrepancy.

“What is it?” Tetsuo asked.

Nothing, was what he intended to say. But having be with Tetsuo for some time now told him that it’d go nowhere if he had to keep everything to himself now. Tetsuo probably didn’t even realize what’s troubling him.

“I saw,” he said instead.

Tetsuo stopped eating then, realizing the severity of the conversation.

“This morning.” He wasn’t sure how to break it to Tetsuo either. Was it bad to eavesdrop? It wasn’t like he did it on purpose anyway. He just happened to pass by. _They_ were the one being way too obvious.

“Ah,” Tetsuo made a sound, one that suggested heavily of recognition. “You saw that.”

He sounded so carefree, as if it’s absolutely none of his business, and it did nothing but aggravate Youji even more. He’s overreacting, he was _sure_ that he’s overreacting.

“Did you hear my answer then?” Tetsuo asked.

He didn’t, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell Tetsuo that he’d fled the scene before he could listen to what Tetsuo had to say.

“Sakiya—“

Tetsuo seemed like he was about to say something but Youji choose that precise moment to stand up, moved himself closer to where Tetsuo was sitting, and came face-to-face with him.

They fixed gaze with each other for one whole minute, sparks flowing from one pair of eyes to the other before Youji pressed himself against Tetsuo, his body weight causing Tetsuo to fall backwards, hitting the chain fence then feeling Youji’s soft lips against his own.

He had absolutely no idea what was going on. Youji felt a bit different since he returned to the classroom this morning, and the fact that he’d brought what he saw in the morning up confirmed to Tetsuo that he was, indeed, troubled by what happened.

He wanted to explain to him, but Youji had taken a step ahead of him, catching him off guard and all he could do was succumbing to the fervour Youji was forcing on him, returning his kiss and feeling every scrap of frustration, of possessiveness from Youji all at the same time.

He’s happy that Youji felt this way towards him, but Youji was probably not feeling very good at this moment and it made him feel guilty for having felt so.

“Sakiyama,” he pushed a tad, pulling Youji back from the realm of his impulse, his hands still enfolded around Youji’s torso. “Do you want to come by after school?”

“Huh? Your house?”

Tetsuo nodded. Their heat awakened, there’s no way he’d let this chance slip, and he was sure that Youji intended to do more than what he was already doing to him now.

Youji’s nod in the next minute gave him the answer, putting all his suspicions to an end.

It’s not like he’s not used to Tetsuo’s house – it’d been a frequent hangout place for him since they’d made their feelings clear to each other. Walking into the compound came as a natural thing, heading into Tetsuo’s room was something he did without needed to be told. Tetsuo stopped outside for a while, looking around, as if searching for something.

“It’s not here today,” Youji heard him say. Then, he’s in the room, finding Youji still standing.

Without another word, he walked towards him, his bag placed aside as he brought Youji into his arms, his body small as he always remembered it to be.

“What’s wrong?” he whispered into Youji’s ear. With their distance so close like this, he couldn’t help but shiver when Tetsuo was obviously portraying heat so intense it was starting to influence him.

“Still angry?” Tetsuo asked. Across time, he’d become more and more upfront with Youji, something Youji couldn’t tell if it was a good or bad thing. He never knew what Tetsuo was thinking at all, but now, he felt like he’d come to know Tetsuo a bit too much to even get mad at him.

Instead of a response, he looked up, right into Tetsuo’s eyes and sent a glare so penetrating he could immediately see the confounded reaction from Tetsuo.

Then, pulling Tetsuo over by tossing his hands around his neck, he kissed him, desperately, every ounce of his action as a mean to replace every word he couldn’t bring himself to say. Tetsuo was obviously astonished but he was quick to surrender to to Youji’s fervour by returning to kiss him as hard as how Youji did him. Their weight lugged along the floor as he soon found himself sitting on the bed, Youji on his lap, their kiss unbreakable. He’s not quite sure what was happening but it must be something to do with whatever that had happened earlier in the day and if this was the way Youji wanted to express it, then he should let him be.

They separated their kiss after a long while, both panting, eyes steamy. The temperature in the room was starting to turn sultry and they were sure it wasn’t because of the weather. There was something hidden beneath Youji’s dark pair of eyes that was making it hard for him to breathe. It’s not something Tetsuo was used to, but not something he’d reject. Totally acting on impulse, he lifted a hand, stroking the fair skin of his cheek before Youji leaned in and bit him hard on the lips.

“Ouch.” He tasted blood on his tongue and he’d come to realize that Youji was perhaps _really_ infuriated at him. What should he do? He wasn’t the best in situations like this and the fact that Youji had been reacting in such a different, radical way wasn’t helping the slightest for him to decide his next move.

“Shironuma…” Youji called out, a voice so slow, so quiet, it was starting to scare Tetsuo.

But he said no more. Simply pushing him against his bed, Youji hovered over him, completely restraining his movements, before he started pulling on Tetsuo’s tie, obviously impatient.

At this point in time, all Tetsuo could do was stare at him with mild amazement, allowing him to do whatever he wanted to do, his willpower discarded out of the window. This was the first time he’d seen Youji acting like this – he had absolutely no idea of how to handle him and for the first time ever since they ended up together, Youji was taking the initiative, something that both terrified and intrigued Tetsuo all at the same time.

He managed to pull Tetsuo’s tie off after a few rough pulls. With a finger tracing along his collarbone, he proceeded to trail a light path down to where Tetsuo’s chest was, promptly taking off the buttons until Tetsuo’s broad chest was exposed, his skin warm and coarse against Youji’s palm.

His breath caught in his chest when he felt Youji touching on where his heart was beating, as if feeling it, and hitching a breath when Youji leaned down and pulled his face closer to his chest, ultimately planting a kiss on it.

His action was so gentle yet all so careful it was catching Tetsuo off guard. It was a completely different sort of reaction from earlier and it confused him further. When Youji looked up, his heart skipped a beat upon noticing the truth of what was the shadows he saw in his eyes earlier – it was insecurity.

“Shironuma, I—“

He quickly pressed a finger against Youji’s lips, stopping him from saying further. He didn’t need him to say more, nor did he need him to explain anything. It was _his_ responsibility for making Youji feel this way and he thought he should be the one making up for it.

Youji didn’t need to explain anything. Youji did nothing wrong.

“Do whatever you want,” he said, trying to sound as composed as he could. “Anything that would make you feel better.”

In the next minute, he was engulfed in another deep kiss, one free hand helping Youji off his vest, his shirt, the other caressing him on the cheek, feeling the smooth and dry texture of Youji’s skin all at the same time.

It’s no wonder he was acting out of himself like this. _He_ was not the only person not knowing what to do with this conflicting emotions within him. When words failed, only their bodies knew best of how to break the tension between them.

And in this position, only _Youji_ knew how to manoeuvre the situation to his liking.

Tetsuo had given him the green light after all, and despite still visibly diffident, Youji pulled his own pants off, then slipping a hand into Tetsuo’s and grasped onto his dick.

Tetsuo let out what sounded like a low growl before he stopped, breathing profoundly, telling Tetsuo enough to sit up, a hand supporting his waist and another lacing around Youji’s half-hard dick.

Their lips met at the same moment when their eyes did, all the while with Tetsuo rubbing on Youji’s dick while Youji did the same for him. Soon, they were both pretty aroused and there’s only one thing left to do.

“Sakiyama,” Tetsuo called out. He left a nimble peck on Youji’s lips before he leaned against his shoulder, taking in the pleasant scent of Youji, one that he was particularly addicted to.

“Shironuma…” Youji said. He brushed a hand against Tetsuo’s fine strands of hair, then releasing a breath that sounded like a relief. “I’m—“

“You don’t need to say anything,” Tetsuo stopped him again. “I know.”

Youji shook his head. “I know I shouldn’t act like this but—“

“You really don’t need to say anything,” Tetsuo interrupted again. It’s too much for Youji to say, it’s too much for Tetsuo to hear. He shouldn’t have Youji say this now.

“No, listen,” Youji countered. “I’m… scared, I don’t know why I’m feeling this way, it’s not like you’ll go away but…” he trailed, swallowing down his throat before he continued. “I don’t want you to go away. I want you to always be by my side.”

Whatever Youji wanted to say was everything Tetsuo wanted to say as well. He’s not going away, but he understood how Youji felt. The countless times he needed to reassure himself that absolutely no one was going to take Youji away from him, that they had this bond that was not meant to be broken. Countless times he’d told himself that he shouldn’t worry in the first place, that no matter how close Youji was to become with others, he’d always stay by his side.

It’s surprising to hear Youji taking out the same words he had buried deep within him out from his own throat, but it only convinced him that they’re, undeniably, inseparable after all.

“It’s pathetic, isn’t it?” Youji released a dry laugh. “I’ve never felt this way towards anyone at all. I don’t know how to handle this. Shironuma, you… you’re the first person I feel this way towards. Even though you’re—“

Tetsuo pushed himself forward, kissing Youji, swallowing his words down.

“I’m yours,” he said. “And I’ll be your last.”

Everything that happened next was completely driven by raw instincts. Tetsuo scooped the precum leaking from Youji’s slit and brought his fingers to the back, finding where Youji’s hole was. He inserted one finger experimentally, stopping the moment he saw Youji frown, and only pushing in when Youji gave him a nod. It took a few more thrusts for him to enter a second finger, all the time stroking on Youji’s dick, all the time trying to restrain himself from the intense need to take Youji there and then.

It’s when Youji pushed on his shoulders that he finally pulled his fingers out. Then, before he could even move, Youji lifted himself up with his knees, his hand pumping on Tetsuo’s dick before he pressed the head of it against his own hole, now thoroughly prepared and read to take Tetsuo in.

“Don’t push yourself too hard,” Tetsuo mumbled with hoarse voice.

Youji merely smiled, and before he knew it, he was pushing Tetsuo’s dick into him, the head of it inching past his rings of muscles, spreading him out from the inside. Halfway through, he placed both his hands on Tetsuo’s shoulders, yearning for support, while Tetsuo clutched his waist, slowly yet cautiously helping him in.

“It’s… all in,” he breathed, sweat trickling down his cheek, his face flushed from the heat.

“Yeah,” Tetsuo could only manage. Youji always felt so… _warm_. Despite how temperate his appearance could seem to be, the intensity within him definitely suggested otherwise. With an upward thrust, he pulled a moan out of Youji, his self-restraint at the brink of breaking. Yet, Youji had started moving by himself before Tetsuo could, hips heaving up and down, pushing and pulling Tetsuo’s dick in such a fervid way that Tetsuo was starting to see stars in his eyes.

Their lovemaking was raw, always instinctive, and always mixed with a hint of wildness and gentleness. Regardless of how careful both of them wanted to be, they’d always end up craving more of each other, of each other’s bodies, each other’s warmth. They wanted to see more expressions of each other, more reactions, even when it meant having to push each other to the edge of their limits, having to crush each other’s sanity. As long as they had each other in their arms, nothing else really mattered anymore.

Their breathing became heavier and heavier across time, their bodies slicked with their body liquid, sheen of sweat glossing weakly under the gleam of sunset rays. Youji was exhausted, and Tetsuo could see it from the slowing down of his motion that had him eventually turning him around, pushing him on the bed, switching their position.

“T-Tetsuo…” Youji moaned openly. He didn’t seem like he was perfectly conscious when he blurted out the one word, yet, that very word had become the most fatal weapon Tetsuo could receive as he thrust harder into Youji, kissing him the entire time, until when he felt himself nearing orgasm that he broke their kiss apart.

“Youji.”

Youji opened his eyes then, looking at him with thick layer of lust tarnished all over his face. And when he smiled, Tetsuo thought he’d never seen such a beautiful smile in his entire life.

Their orgasm almost snatched their conscious away as they held snugly onto each other, semen spilling onto and into their bodies before they slumped, completely drained from the vigorous act.

The touch on his hair was one of gentleness, it’s a sensation he could only experience from one person, that very person being here, in his arms – and he knew he’d come to hug him like this for as long as he wanted, as long as _he_ wanted.

“I’m sorry I reacted that way.”

It’s after they’d washed up that Youji found himself unable to meet Tetsuo’s eyes, everything that had happened a vivid memory of embarrassment.

“It’s fine,” Tetsuo said.

“But…” Youji stuttered. “But you’re…”

“I am?” Tetsuo asked.

“You’re so…. I mean, you’re so popular, it’s hard to… nothing, forget about it.”

Tetsuo smiled. Hugging Youji from the back, he supported his chin on his shoulder, muttering into Youji’s ear.

“Do you really not want to know the answer I give them every time they ask me?”

Youji averted Tetsuo’s eyes. He didn’t know why he was bringing this up again. Was it important to know?

“I told them that I’m taken, by yo—“

“Okay, okay, I don’t want to know!” Youji turned around in lightning speed, covering Tetsuo’s mouth.

He didn’t need to know; he really didn’t need to.

Whatever Tetsuo had told him was enough. He knew that there’s no way he could brush his feelings off whenever the same thing happened again, but at the very least, he knew that Tetsuo felt the same way towards him.

And it’s enough – it’s all that mattered for him.


	7. Existence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes existence means more than being physically by each other’s side; sometimes it takes more than just love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is intended to be read in a post-Miracles May, Grand Ending timeline as depicted in [this premise](http://shinocchidesu.net/post/162323625994/sweet-pool-endings-after-thoughts).

“What time will you be back today?”

Tetsuo glimpsed across the bar, catching sight of the wall clock located in a far dark corner.

“In another two hours, maybe.”

He could hear a soft sigh from the other side of the phone. Instinctively wanting to say something, Youji has spoken, taking his chance away.

“Okay. I’ll see you then.”

“Sorry.” This was done out of his own instinct too. There’s probably no need to apologize.

“Why are you apologizing?” As expected, Youji was quick to reprimand. “It’s your job, not something you can help, right?”

“Don’t wait for me,” Tetsuo said nimbly, attempting to make up for his earlier clumsiness.

“It’s only 9PM now.” He heard a small chuckle this time, lifting stone off his chest. “I’ll see. Catch you later.”

He heaved a heavy sigh upon putting down the phone. He knew that Youji was simply concerned about him but he couldn’t help but ponder if he’d been causing troubles for Youji in the process. There were a lot of things that he still had no clue of, and he was sure that Youji had been way too patient with him all this time.

It was both intimidating and exciting at the same time, and everything still felt like a dream to him.

He returned to his task shortly after, hoping that he could perhaps take an earlier leave if he was to finish everything earlier.

But, his wish was one-sided. By the time he left the bar, it was already 11:10PM. He hurried to the train station, wanting to catch the last train, and was lucky to slip himself into the cart before the door closed.

Crashing on the seat by the door, he leaned bonelessly against the back of the chair, closing his eyes.

He’d gotten used to his lifestyle now – him working in the bar at night while Youji would infrequently work in the convenience store on days when they needed an extra pair of hands. Compared to how they’d been living by themselves before they moved in to stay with each other, their lifestyle now had indeed been made easier with each other’s support.

He released another hefty sigh. If Youji was around, he’s sure that he’d laugh at him for acting like an old man again. That very thought lifted a small smile on the corners of Tetsuo’s lips. Spacing out, he stared out of the window, catching sight of the moon, hanging full and bright in the starless sky.

Had he ever gotten the chance to look at the moon in such way, anyway? It often felt like he was chasing after time, like there would never come a time when he could breathe properly and take time off for himself. Despite the train journey being short, it made him feel contented, and he only felt even more so when the train pulled into the platform as Tetsuo hurried home, where Youji was waiting for him.

* * *

“I’m home.”

As expected, the lights were still on when he opened the door, taking his shoes off at the entrance. Hasty footsteps could be heard in the next second as he looked up just in time to see Youji standing in front of him, wearing a smile that he so fondly loved.

“Welcome back,” Youji said. He stretched a hand and Tetsuo handed him his coat; everything a reflexive motion.

“Told you not to wait for me,” Tetsuo said with a small hint of tease. He kissed Youji briefly on the lips, pulling away to see Youji averting his gaze.

“What’s the matter?” he was quick to ask.

“Today is… a bit different,” Youji stuttered, the ends of his words scattered into the void.

“Different?”

“Do you remember what date is tomorrow?” Youji asked instead.

“The 4th.”

“Yeah,” Youji pulled a bigger smile. “It’s the 4th. It’s a big day. Wait, two big days.”

Did he somehow manage to forget some sort of anniversary or something? While he felt his heart did a weird leap, Tetsuo swallowed down his throat, digging into the darkest and deepest corners of his brain, trying to remember.

“Are you telling me that you don’t remember?” Youji asked with a sideway judgmental glance, as if he’d seen through Tetsuo.

Tetsuo said nothing. A thin frown appeared in between his eyebrows, his heart picked up speed. It’s definitely not Youji’s birthday. He’d step on himself if he ever forgot about that.

“It’s your birthday,” Youji continued; he now looked as if he’s taking pleasure in seeing Tetsuo struggling with himself. “What kind of person forget their own birthday?”

All air felt like they’d left him all at once. He’d never thought it’s necessary to remember things about himself. Youji had frequently lectured him about it but it seemed like Youji, too, knew him well to understand that it’s not a habit that he could fix in a short period of time.

“Actually, you forgetting about it works in favour for me,” the corners of Youji’s lips elevated into a small smirk. “So it’s easy to surprise you.”

The only feeling Tetsuo could put into words in regards to this entire situation is how dumbfounded he was. First of all, Youji remembered his birthday. And secondly, Youji did something for his birthday. He was at a loss of words and he could only follow when Youji grasped him on the wrist and brought him to the dining table.

On the table laid a birthday cake; not too big, not too small, just enough for the both of them. It was brown in colour, looks suspiciously like a chocolate cake, with a pretty scattered text of “Happy Birthday” written in white on top of the cake.

“Sorry, I’ve never made this before so I don’t know if it would actually taste good,” Youji sounded hesitant, a contrast to how he spoke before he brought Tetsuo to the table. “My sister helped me with this too. So I hope… it’d taste decent, at the very least.”

Instead of saying anything at all, Tetsuo lounged a hand over to Youji, encircling his arm around Youji’s waist and pulling him over. As soon as Youji turned around to look at him, he kissed him on the forehead, still at a complete loss for words.

“Thank you,” was all he managed to say when he looked Youji in the eyes.

“It’s nothing. Also, it’s the first year we’re celebrating your birthday together so I thought of… doing something at least.”

“You also mentioned two big days,” Tetsuo questioned, finally finding his voice.

“Oh, yeah!” As if reminded of something, Youji pushed himself out of Tetsuo’s embrace and opened up a box that was seated just next to the cake. There were a few round-shaped food, something like what seemed to be dumplings in the box.

“This is called Tsukimi Dango,” Youji explained, noting the question on Tetsuo’s face. “Didn’t you notice how full and bright the moon is today?”

Now that Youji mentioned it, he did remember gazing at the moon on the way back from work earlier.

“Apparently people eat this on the 15th night to celebrate the moon,” Youji continued, sounding like he was reiterating a script in his head. “Honestly, I wasn’t aware about it until my sister brought it up earlier.

“I don’t know about it either.”

“But since it falls on the same day as your birthday, I guess it means it’s a good occasion to celebrate together too, don’t you think?”

Tetsuo nodded, eyes returning to the box of food.

“Well then, now that we have everything ready, let’s eat,” Youji announced. He pulled a tray he’d prepared earlier from the edge of the table and started loading the plates onto the tray.

“We are not eating here?”

“We’re supposed to appreciate the moon, no? We can’t see the moon from here,” Youji chuckled.

Acknowledging that, Tetsuo helped Youji with carrying the food, then walked into his room, where his window was faced outside, directly to where the moon was shining.

“Perfect,” Youji muttered as he put the tray on the bedside table. Slumping onto Tetsuo’s bed, he patted on the vacant space by his side, urging Tetsuo to join him.

It was the first time they were eating on the bed like this. Lights were dimmed in the room, just to allow moonlight to shine into the space. They sat and munched on their food, words less, simply indulging in each other’s presence.

“I made chocolate because you like sweet food,” Youji spoke. “Hope it’s not too sweet for you.”

“Aren’t you not a fan of sweet food?” Tetsuo asked instead.

“It’s not like I can’t eat them at all, and I’m not the star today so you should enjoy yourself instead of worrying about me.”

But it’d make him feel bad if Youji had to endure with what he didn’t like just for Tetsuo.

“You might feel like I’m taking everything too early,” Youji continued, as if trying to divert the conversation. “But both of us have a long day tomorrow and we won’t see each other again until late night. I just…”

Youji paused. Looking away, he grabbed one of the dangos and put it into his mouth, before he spoke again.

“…thought of wanting to be the first to wish you.”

It’s not the 4th yet, but it’s soon. In another 10 minutes or so, Tetsuo would officially hit another year. In the past, he couldn’t be at all bothered by something like this. Age didn’t mean anything in particular to him. Days passed, months passed, then years. Everything would continue to move according to their own pace. Time waited for no one, and he didn’t intend to take time seriously himself.

It’s until when Youji had put the significance into place that he came to realize how the time he spent with Youji was one that he never wanted to lose. With Youji, he’d come to realize that he’d been chasing after time not to make himself feel better, but just to make sure that having Youji by his side was a reality he was living in. The separation that had fallen upon them half a year back had clearly taken a toll to both of them. There were times when they would wake up in the middle of the night, sweating from head to toe, having been going through yet another unpleasant nightmare. There were times when they thought reality was a dream, that when they woke the next day, they’d return to the time when they didn’t have each other by their side.

Oftentimes, they thought they were living in their own illusions; and that’s why Tetsuo had come to chase after time, to chase after the existence of Youji, just so he could comfort himself, to remind himself that this time, Youji would never leave him ever again.

Youji’s hand sneaked towards his as he placed a palm on top of the back of Tetsuo’s hand. It’s five minutes to the 4th. Their surrounding quiet, the only presence they could feel was of each other.

“It’s kind of unbelievable, isn’t it?” Youji sighed quiet words. He leaned his head against Tetsuo’s shoulder as Tetsuo intertwined their fingers together, bringing him closer. “After everything, I would’ve thought that you wanted nothing to do with me anymore.”

There’s no way he’d think that way. Youji knew, but probably, Youji too, couldn’t quite believe it himself – of how much they had to go through to be where they were today.

“Thank you,” Youji muttered.

It was what Tetsuo wanted to tell Youji. Until the very end, Youji never gave up. Until the very end, he trusted in Tetsuo, he trusted in them. It was Youji’s confidence, Youji’s faith, and Youji’s decision that had brought them back to each other again.

He owed Youji too much. Way too much.

“It’s time,” Youji broke his line of thoughts. Sitting up, he smiled at Tetsuo, then leaning in to kiss Tetsuo on the lips.

“Happy birthday.”

If celebrating his birthday meant being able to have Youji by his side like this, if birthday wishes would really come true, then he’d like to trust in birthdays.

He’d like to take this chance to, once again, prayed for both of them to never be apart again.

Today, the moon would be the witness to their vow, one that they’d hold close to them for the rest of their life.


	8. Hitting The Shore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Different place, different appearance.

He sat under the shade; the brightness of the sun too blinding for him to endure. Lulled by the languid flowing of tide, he stared mindlessly into the distance, catching sight of his boyfriend, who was standing a far distance away, talking to the bright-grinning man at the ice cream parlour. As he watched the waves carelessly dribbling onto the sand, he couldn’t help but admire the existence of such fervid scene. The gurgling and the gushing of the waves, alongside the laughter of people enjoying their moments on the silk-soft sand was all that he could hear.

He wished he could’ve participated in such fun, though. But standing under the searing sun for a mere one minute had sent a surge of dizziness right into his brain. And before he knew it, his vision wavered, his knees felt light, and he practically had to scramble his way blindly back under the big shade of umbrella to recapture his breath. It’s such a waste, though. He was the one who’d suggested the beach but all that he could do now was sitting on the mat, away from the sun, away from the sea.

He smiled lightly when Tetsuo glanced at his direction. It seemed like he’s done buying the ice-creams and when Youji was about to stand, wanting to help him with them, he frowned, immediately sitting back down.

If he hadn’t known how having a way-too-attractive boyfriend felt like, he was certainly tasting the fruit of it now. Two girls in bikini had strode towards Tetsuo when he was making his way back, stopping his pace. He averted the scene; it wasn’t like he’s not used to seeing girls hogging onto Tetsuo (and Tetsuo always had the best way to brush them off) but having to see it again and again did nothing to ease the frustration beneath his chest. He knew that Tetsuo must have gotten himself out of the way by now, and when a shadow was casted upon him, blocking most of his view, he refused to look, until when a cone ice-cream was shoved under his nose that he stared upwards.

Sweat slicked the surface of Tetsuo’s skin as he stood, shades on, his hair dishevelled from the sea breeze. He could tell that Tetsuo was staring fervently from behind the piece of dark shade; with his usual speechless self, there’s no telling what Tetsuo wanted to say to him. Heaving a sigh, he took the ice-cream off Tetsuo’s hand, then started licking on it as Tetsuo settled by his side.

“How are you feeling?” Tetsuo asked, staring towards the sea, gobbling down his own cone.

“Fine,” Youji responded briefly. Truth be told, he was more than fine now. The heat caught him off guard just now but that’s only because he had yet to get used to the sudden change of environment. He, unlike Tetsuo, had been sick for a long time after all. It’d be a lie if he was to say that he didn’t hold any ounce of admiration towards how easily Tetsuo could adapt himself into a new environment like it’s nothing for him.

Tetsuo had finished his own ice-cream as he leaned back, hands supporting his weight, seemingly enjoying the peaceful solitary between them. Noticing that, Youji hurriedly finishing up his own food, feeling awkward all of a sudden before he started,

“Don’t you want to go into the sea?” he asked.

“Not really,” Tetsuo said, voice calm. “I’m fine being here.”

“But… we’ve come here after all,” Youji retorted. “You should be enjoying yourself.”

Tetsuo straightened his posture, turning around to look Youji in the eyes. 

“Are you feeling better?” he asked again, the same question as before.

“I’m fine– but no, that’s not the point, you can go if you want, I’m really fine,” he emphasized.

Tetsuo released what sounded like a soft sigh. With a stretched paused, he lied down instead, facing up, staring at the sky.

“I’m fine being here with you,” he said.

There it is, Tetsuo’s all-so-familiar stubbornness. Youji couldn’t help but chuckle. He inched closer towards Tetsuo, hands raising, coming to where Tetsuo’s face was, and lifted the shades off his eyes.

“You sure?” he asked with a small smile, one that Tetsuo returned.

“Yeah.”

“Okay then. But still, you’ve been walking around the beach longer than I do. I can already see some tans on you.”

He wasn’t exaggerating at all. He was familiar with Tetsuo’s body, and despite Tetsuo’s skin tone already being tanner than most people, he could still see the tanned lines spreading across his torso as he spoke.

Tetsuo held his arm up, as if to check it out for himself, before Youji grasped onto it, then bringing his hand to his palm, kissing the back of it.

“I’ll help you with the sunblock,” he said.

It’d be pretty refreshing to see a new and different appearance of Tetsuo, though. But it’d be trouble if Tetsuo didn’t take care of his own skin now. His self-healing ability might be of help but, at times like this, Youji wanted to embrace the part of how human he could be, even when it’s all a mere deception, or just a reassurance.

“I’ll do it for you too,” Tetsuo said in a truncated tone, staring all the while as Youji rubbed his hand over the lines of his muscles.

“I don’t think I’ll be walking out to the sun but, sure,” Youji replied with a chortle.

The experience was all that it mattered after all, regardless if whatever they’re doing would come into good use at the end of the day.

Perhaps next time they could go to somewhere colder, like the mountain. Or they could simply stay at home, doing nothing, just lounging around. Because, as expected, the best place was still when they’re by each other’s side, regardless of where they could be.

And perhaps, tomorrow, he’d be able to see a whole new Tetsuo anyway. He’s definitely looking forward to that.


	9. Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are some things that are exclusively theirs.

There was no label between himself and Youji. They just… are. There was no vow, no word nor verbal confirmation. Everything that had happened between them was natural, flowing in a pace that had taken them off guard. For some reason, they’d felt that it was meant to be for them; that it was perfectly natural for them to end up like this. For some reason, they’d known that they belonged to each other ever since they first set eyes on each other, even though Youji had his doubts at first encounter.

There’s no one like Youji. Ever. Youji was special; Youji was his one and only. There was nothing else that could convince him otherwise.

And that was perhaps the reason for his overthinking. He’d tried his best to look after Youji whenever he could, made easier when he moved into Youji’s house. At the same time, he’d given Youji the freedom he needed to venture out of the house when needed, sometimes without Tetsuo by his side.

It’s all fine. Youji was an adult; he knew how to take care of himself despite his poor track record, and there’s no way Tetsuo would ever want to get into his way if Youji intended to do anything at all.

That was what he thought – the person who’s no way controlling, and definitely the last person to give Youji any form of discomfort.

When he woke up to find Youji’s absence in the house, he frowned, a gesture that was triggered out of his very own instincts. He looked around, wanting to find any form of hint as to where Youji could’ve been but no messages, no notes; nothing at all. It’s 9AM, still too early for his part-time job, and for all Tetsuo knew, Youji had very well taken the day off thanks to his usual cold. There’s no way he was nowhere to be seen.

His heart did a weird flip as his mind ventured into a forbidden territory, one that he’d promised Youji not to. He shook his head a tad, trying to get rid of the thought, and just while he was about to call Youji, he heard sounds from below, urging him to rush towards the door, immediately heaving a relieved sigh upon seeing Youji, who was standing right below his mansion, with a man whom he’d come to recognize very well now.

Youji seemed to have noticed his presence as he leaned against the wall, waving at him with a smile. His companion, however, merely gave him a fleeting glance before he returned his attention to Youji, who quickly resumed their conversation before they were interrupted by Tetsuo.

Perhaps he should head back, but for some reason, his legs stood rooted onto the spot, his eyes fixed intensely on the pair. A nerve twitched in his head when he saw the man clinging an arm around Youji’s neck, pulling his head close, whispering something to him. Tetsuo squinted his eyes; there’s no way he could make out what they were saying but he couldn’t bear the idea of not taking in everything that they were doing at the moment. If that didn’t make things worse, Youji didn’t seem like he minded either, a small chuckle escaped his mouth as they spoke, while the other man laughed.

It felt like an eternity when they finally pulled themselves off each other. While the man got onto his bicycle, he shot Tetsuo another transitory look, the victorious gaze in his eyes was definitely meant for Tetsuo.

He could only hear his own heartbeats resounding stridently in his ears. He didn’t know how to respond. In the past, he would’ve found himself charging at the man, pulling him away with his mere actions, no words were needed. But living with Youji had taught him of a better sense of responsibility, of better endurance towards his own instinct. If he hadn’t been imagining how Youji would respond if he was to push himself out there in such a reckless way, he was sure that would’ve lost his composure all over again.

“Shironuma?”

Youji had walked up the stairs, coming to stand by his side as he got lost in his thoughts. He came back to himself, turning around to meet Youji’s smile.

“What’s wrong?”

This is too pathetic of him. He sighed slowly.

“Nothing,” was all he said before he walked into the house, followed closely by Youji.

“Makoto was asking if we want to drop by his house this weekend for a party. It’s Merry’s birthday, it seems.”

“‘We’?” Tetsuo repeated, perking a surprised eyebrow.

“Yeah, ‘we’,” Youji confirmed. “You and I.”

That’s unexpected. Tetsuo frowned; he couldn’t get Makoto at all. All that he’d come to know was that Makoto was Youji’s closest friend, way closer than even before Tetsuo had gotten to come closer with Youji. What were friends, anyway? Was what Makoto did to Youji before normal? Was that what friends would do with each other? Tetsuo never had any friends; he wouldn’t know. But for some reason, that mere seemingly innocent action still managed to twitch his nerves.

“Shironuma?” Youji called out again, looking at him with concern written all over his face. “What’s wrong?”

He couldn’t reply with a ‘nothing’ anymore. Youji must have noticed by now. Brushing it off would only deepen the gap between them. Besides, he had questions he needed to ask; it’d be better if he confronted it now and then.

“You’re very close to Mita,” he said, finding the strain in his voice a weird sound.

“Huh? Well, yeah. I mean, we’re friends after all.”

He repeated the term a few times in his head. He couldn’t quite grasp the concept; he still couldn’t quite understand.

“What’s the matter?” Youji asked again, noticing the prolonged silence.

Perhaps it’s normal; perhaps he’s simply thinking too much. He closed his eyes, trying to regain his composure when he heard chuckles resounding from his side.

“Shironuma, you…”

He looked at Youji, utterly confused.

“You’re jealous, aren’t you?” Youji teased with a trifling smirk.

Jealous?

Was he even capable of doing so?

Youji had clung his arm around Tetsuo’s neck then, pulling him down so that he could kiss him on the cheek.

“It’s fine. I don’t quite understand what does being friends mean at first too. But I’m certain that whatever I’m feeling towards Makoto is totally different from what I’m feeling towards you.”

He didn’t mean to make Youji say this. He knew that perfectly well. It’s pathetic having to have Youji spell it out in such an explicit way to him.

“Besides… you’re the famous one, aren’t you?”

He raised his eyes, surprised at the change of tone – now one of slower, quieter.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“You’re… well, always well-received, especially with women. Didn’t you date a lot in high school?”

Oh, he meant that. But Tetsuo had explained to Youji before. Was he still bothered by that? It wasn’t like it’s something he could help anyway.

“Even now, everyone is just ogling at you when we go out together,” Youji’s voice had turned into a form of mumbles. And all this while, Tetsuo thought they were ogling at  _Youji_  instead.

“So, I should be more jealous, you know…” Youji seemed like he was simply spilling his mind thoughtlessly, as if confessing something that he’d been keeping to himself for the longest time.

“Sakiyama.”

“Hm? Mph!”

He pressed his lips against Youji’s, feeling the nostalgic soft texture of Youji’s warmth as he embraced him in his arms, totally indulging in Youji’s scent.

So that’s what it was. Youji’s friend could be close to him, Tetsuo wouldn’t mind a single bit. But Tetsuo was the only person who could hug him like this, kiss him like this; and Tetsuo knew that there’s no way anyone could replace Youji in his heart, just like how there’s no way anyone could replace him in Youji’s heart.


	10. You’re Not Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s horrible missing half of you.

He could no longer remember how life was without Youji. Youji was part of him; or at least that was the impression he’d always held towards him. He couldn’t imagine living without Youji. Countless times, he’d felt as if his life only started moving when he met Youji, that whatever that had happened in the past was merely him being lifeless and totally clueless about what to do with his life. Youji was like another part of himself that he’d always been searching for. And when he found him, he’d vowed to himself that he’d never let Youji go ever. He wanted to cherish him, taking care of him the way he knew best. He was sure that that very thought of his had reached Youji loud and clear.

Youji knew that he probably couldn’t live without him.

But yet, there were still times where they found themselves being separated. Not the few hours of separation when Youji went to work and vice versa but a two whole days of separation, when Youji went over to his sister’s place to help her out with taking care of Yuuji, that had Tetsuo realizing that he  _really_  cannot live without Youji.

It took him a good one hour after he’d woken up to remind himself that he’d have the whole house for himself for the next two days. Alone. To confirm, he went to Youji’s room, noting that he was nowhere to be seen, and coming to the kitchen to find Youji’s list of things to do for him, telling him loud and clear that he’s all by his own now.

He’d suggested for him to help out at Erika’s place too but Youji had rejected the idea in an instant, talking about wanting to spend some brother and sister moment with Erika and that it’s selfish for Tetsuo to hold onto him all for himself. He was sure that the latter was said to tease him, though. To be honest, he didn’t even notice how possessive he could be. Perhaps it was just natural for Youji to be around – especially when they had now moved in together – that he came to realize that he was once alive before he met Youji, even though he never knew how he’d survived those solitude periods.

Heaving a profound breath, he slumped onto the couch, the black kitten jumping onto his lap, purring softly at him as he patted it on the head.

It’s only him and the cat now. Alone. In the house. For two whole days.

Alone.

No Youji.

Alone.

He closed his eyes, letting the reality sink in. Maybe he’d been taking this way too seriously. It’s nothing, really; Youji was only away for two days, not forever. Definitely not forever.

Taking another deep breath, he stuck his hand into his pocket, finding his phone, and typed a quick message to Youji.

> _“I’ll take care of the house.”_

He didn’t even had the chance to bid Youji farewell this morning; the last time he’d seen him was when he came home late yesterday, when Youji was already asleep.

He missed Youji already. And when Youji’s “ _I’ll leave it to you._ ” message came in not long after, he found himself rereading the words multiple times, until when he heard his own tummy grumbling that he finally stood to start his day.

It took him three hours to do that.

* * *

Without Youji, his motivation to make good breakfast fell right into the pit of darkness. He searched around the fridge, finding two eggs and fried them. That’s it. He sat on the couch, staring at the television, his mind elsewhere. And when it’s time for lunch, he merely made himself a cup noodle, eating and feeding the cat dried sardines at the same time. He couldn’t feel himself, as if he had suddenly turned into a piece of flesh, his soul departed to where Youji was. And he almost dropped his phone when the message tone rang, finding himself smiling for the first time ever on that day.

> _“Did you eat? No cup noodles.”_

He replied, his food totally abandoned by one side.

> _“Did you eat?”_

Youji’s message came instantly.

> _“I asked you first. I did, I’m having lunch with my sister. I missed her curry. It’s good. You should try one day.”_

There’s a photo of a pot of curry attached with Youji’s message, pulling Tetsuo’s grin wider.

> _“You can cook for me one day.”_

He thought of taking a picture to send to Youji too but he realized he’s doing exactly what Youji didn’t want him to do so instead, he took a picture of the cat munching on the sardine, sending to Youji with the caption “ _I fed the cat too_.”

He was about to discard his food when the message tone rang again.

> _“My sister was talking about how you might feel lonely if I am to leave you for too long so I’m coming back soon.”_

He read the message again. The third time. The fourth. Then looking up, he spaced out, before he stared at the clock.

It’s 2:15PM now. It’s not even a day yet.

And Youji is coming home soon.

With hurried fingers, he typed a reply, then lounging on the couch, waiting for time to pass.

> _“I’ll be waiting.”_

About an hour later, he heard the sound of their door being unlocked, immediately having him to stand. And, there he was – Youji, holding what seemed to be a pot of food, the smell of curry strong in the house.

“This is quite heavy. Ah, Shironuma, I’m– woah!”

He’d lurched towards Youji the moment he saw his shadows, pulling him into a hug and almost causing Youji to drop the pot of curry.

“That’s dangerous,” he reprimanded with a chuckle.

But all Tetsuo did was burying his head against Youji’s shoulder, hugging him tightly.

“Shironuma?” Youji called out, both of his hands still trying to hold onto the pot.

“Welcome home,” Tetsuo mumbled. A brief pause later, Youji started laughing. Tetsuo could barely hear what he said but he felt the pat on his head and above all, what mattered more to him was that he no longer had the house to himself for two whole days. He had Youji now, and there’s no need to worry about lonely nights nor did he feel as if he was a walking corpse any longer.

He  _really_ need to figure out a way to live with this. Even though he wasn’t completely sure if he wanted to ever learn how to.


	11. Belief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s only one answer to their existence.

How long had they been together? Slightly more than two years but it felt way longer. Way,  _way_  longer. He felt as if they’d known each other forever. That centuries had passed ever since they first met each other. Yet, he was perfectly fine with spending his forever with Tetsuo, if that was what he was to do for the rest of his life. Forever. A concept so foreign yet so close to their heart. A concept that had pulled the bonds between them, having them met in the most surreal moment. If they were asked if there’s anything they could change between them, the answer was probably no. They weren’t ones to deny fate; and if there’s anything that they could do, it’d be to stay by each other’s side when whatever fate had planned for them came asking for their redemption. They were no heroes nor saviours, they were simply two persons asking for a chance to live and, if given that very chance, they would be making the full use out of it, living every second of it as if they were all a guilty blessing. They had no remorse, nothing they would’ve changed, just the very fact that they’re able to meet each other was enough.

It’s always enough.

The school they once knew still remained the same. They greeted the security guard briefly before they walked into the school grounds, finding the familiar sense of nostalgia as they had their hands linked, walking on route that was what felt like a faraway memory. Sometimes, everything that had happened in this very place felt like a dream, as if they had never been students in this place, that they were simply two strangers crossing paths one day, finding savage in each other, and just… two persons who wanted nothing but the simplest happiness in the world.

Somewhere deep in their hearts, they knew that they were meant to meet. They required no words, no confirmation – they simply knew.

Without a second thought, they’d made casual paces up the stairs. One, two, three. It’s as if the route was paved for them, like a warm welcome, greeting them home. When Tetsuo opened the door to the rooftop, gentle breeze of sunset brushed through their faces, causing both of them to smile at the same time, reminded of memories that were too surreal for them to remember.

They spent long minutes simply staring into the sunset, embracing the warm atmosphere, alongside the peaceful silence between them, all the while with their hands in each other. The pool below them reflected rays of lights from the sun, they could see the reflection of the water in each other’s eyes. Then, at long last, Tetsuo released a breath, instantly having Youji to turn around to look at him.

“Reminded of something?” he asked, smiling lightly.

“Yeah,” Tetsuo confirmed. Nothing pleasant. But necessary.

“It’s fine,” Youji comforted. He came to stand closer, by Tetsuo’s side. “It’s in the past now.”

“Yeah,” Tetsuo repeated. Everything’s in the past now. Those red-blood scenes, those frustrations, anguish; those cults, those days when striving to live was their only option.

Those days when they never knew what they really were, the only thing they ever knew was them being far from human.

“I’m glad I met you,” Youji said in a small whisper, eyes still lingering at the beautiful orange-red blanket of sunset.

Tetsuo remained quiet, but that was already an answer of his own. He squeezed Youji’s hand lightly, feeling Youji returning his grasp before he released a sigh of relief.

“I never thought I’d meet someone so similar to me in my life,” Youji continued speaking. It reminded Tetsuo of the time when they first stood here, on the same time, staring into sunset the way they did now. Back then, they were smeared in blood, they were wounded from head to toe; they were facing an end.

But now, they were facing none of those; rather, what they were holding close to them now was a totally new beginning. It’s unbelievable when Tetsuo came to think about it but here he was, with Youji, staring at the same sunset, standing under the same sky, reminiscing on a past that they never would’ve survived through.

“Maybe we’re just… meant to meet each other,” Youji said quietly. He seemed to be facing difficulties spelling his words out. Tetsuo never intended to interrupt him. Whatever Youji wanted to say was whatever he wanted to say. He let Youji spill their mutual thoughts out; not for the sake of reminiscing, but for the sake of reminding each other of how, despite their abnormality, they’d managed to live normally like any other human being now.

“Shironuma,” Youji called out. He tilted his head, just enough to look at Youji’s side profile, now covered in orange gradient from the sun.

Youji closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, before he opened his eyes again and looked at Tetsuo’s direction, still smiling.

“Do you… still believe that eternity exist?”

He thought he’d given Youji his answer.

Youji should’ve already known his answer.

Everything that they’d gone through. Every decision that they’d made. It’s all steered towards this very direction. The concept of forever; a concept so ambiguous no one would ever know the answer of it. Yet, the answer was clear and strong in both of their hearts. Even without the need to spell it out, they’d known from the beginning how much this very concept meant for them.

Even without the need for either of them to prove to each other, they’d already proven to each other through motions, actions, the tiny things in life. Through their existence alone.

That was what he’d tell Youji.

His answer.

Upon hearing that, Youji smiled. He closed his eyes again, seemingly thinking, before he leaned his head against Tetsuo’s shoulder, without responding to the answer Tetsuo had given him.

It’s enough.

Whatever they had now was more than enough.

They knew it. That’s why.

That’s the answer they would be giving each other.


	12. Fallen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No matter how strong a warrior could be, they fall too.

Tetsuo had always been some sort of extraordinary man in his eyes. He’s well-built, he had strength that Youji could only dream of, and above all, his self-recovery ability had always been something that was both surreal yet admirable for Youji. He’d seen this very ability several times on his father, and to see it once again on Tetsuo had been a nostalgic experience of its own. That was why, he’d always felt that it’s absolutely appropriate for Tetsuo to be overly concerned over him – a normal human being who needed more time, or rather, the  _normal_  time as everyone else to heal from a wound. Tetsuo could feel pain perfectly well but he never felt it for long before it disappeared. He probably wasn’t used to the long moment of anguish where one simply lied in their bed, overwhelmed by pain, or simply being sick, hoping that their body would return to normal again.

It’s something Youji had been thoroughly admiring of Tetsuo.

Until when he found Tetsuo waking up later than him, a rare occasion of its own, and walking into his room, finding him still cuddling under his blanket, sweating profusely, that he realized that even the strongest warrior crumpled at times.

“Shironuma?” he called out.

All Tetsuo did was shifting to a side, coming to face him, and that was when Youji noticed that he was burning from head to toe.

He was dumbfounded. Tetsuo. Sick. Two words that were never meant to be put together. Yet, here he was, witnessing his boyfriend being sick, in bed, unable to wake.

He crouched, pressing a palm against Tetsuo’s forehead, the coldness of his hand immediately spread with warmth. Tetsuo grunted a little before his own hand was pressed against Youji’s, causing Youji to fidget.

“Sakiyama…?” he called through hoarse voice.

“You’re sick,” Youji said. Why, though? Was it because of [yesterday](http://shinocchidesu.net/post/161193959809/star-protectorsweet-pool-ficlet)? When Tetsuo borrowed him his jacket? But he couldn’t be falling sick so easily, could he?

Trying to suppress his overwhelming thoughts, he pulled his hand away, just to be pulled back.

“I’m only fetching you water,” he reassured. “Stay put. I’ll be back shortly.”

He could tell that Tetsuo was only letting him go half-heartedly. He went into the kitchen, a palm against his chest, attempting to calm down. He couldn’t quite process what was happening, nor he could tell what he saw from before; everything was too abrupt.

Tetsuo. Sick.

Okay.

He needed to do something, something that can allow him to take care of a sick man.

But all that he could think of was Tetsuo’s flustered face, slicked with sweat, and heavy breathing that was way too much for his brain capacity to accommodate.

He decided that he should take a cold shower before he attempted anything to help.

When he finally returned to see Tetsuo, Tetsuo had fallen asleep, the exhaustion seemed to have taken over him. Walking as quietly as he could, he placed the small pail of water by the bedside, leaning close to check on Tetsuo’s condition, before he sank his hand into the pail of cold water to retrieve the small towel he’d left in there. He squeezed, making sure that the towel wasn’t too wet before he placed it against Tetsuo’s face.

Tetsuo jolted slightly, causing Youji to pull his hand away, just to find Tetsuo blinking at him, eyes misty and breathing heavy.

“Saki… yama?”

“Sorry, did I wake you up?” Youji smiled apologetically while Tetsuo responded with a small shook of head. “I’m trying to wipe sweat off you.”

He was clearly imitating what Tetsuo had done for him [the last time when he was sick](http://shinocchidesu.net/post/160770395114/heatedsweet-pool-ficlet). The towel didn’t feel at all cold to him but perhaps it was to Tetsuo, yet, Tetsuo closed his eyes, allowing Youji to rub his face, along his neck, and around his chest. Youji could clearly feel heat from Tetsuo; he was clearly unwell, his movements less notable, something Youji could easily tell. It was when he wiped across Tetsuo’s torso that he came to realize how… perfect his body was. He’d known it all along, but having the truth to be slapped right in his face again still had him staring in awe.

“Do you want anything to eat?” Youji asked. He wasn’t great with making liquid food but he could probably call Erika for help. “Maybe I can get you something to drink first.”

“Sakiyama,” Tetsuo called out again, voice hoarse, a tone that had Youji’s heart skipping a beat. He’d never heard Tetsuo in this tone ever. It did things to him.

“Hm?”

“Stay here,” Tetsuo merely said. Stretching a hand, he gripped weakly onto Youji’s wrist, urging him to come closer.

“Ah, but…” Youji was about to say something but Tetsuo had his eyes on him, determined despite the weak glimmering light beneath his yellow orbs.

At long last, Youji released a sigh with a smile.

“Okay then, just a bit, alright?”

Tetsuo nodded. With Youji sitting on the bed, Tetsuo had his arm around his waist at all times, face nuzzling against his hand, eyes closed. It was a scene Youji had never seen in his life ever. Tetsuo’s profile was flushed, there were still trails of light sweat along his cheek. He’d never seen Tetsuo being so… weak his entire life and it was hitting him deep on his weak spot.

All this while, Youji had always deemed Tetsuo as a being way too powerful and way too strong to appear as a complete contrast like he was now. And all this while, he’d allowed Tetsuo to do everything he could to take care of him, while he tried to catch up with Tetsuo’s pace.

But now, he felt as if he was finally standing on the same footing as Tetsuo. Tetsuo was  _human_  too, and, like any other human, he’d have his weak moments when he’d need another person’s support.

Tetsuo’s support was Youji.

No other medication was better than Youji.

With that realization, Youji lifted a small smile, stroking his hand carelessly against Tetsuo’s cheekbone, hearing Tetsuo’s soft, languid snores as he admired how perfect his boyfriend was again.

Being a perfectly imperfect human like he always wanted to be.


	13. Star Protector

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One day, we’ll be one of them.

Despite Tetsuo repeatedly telling him that he could go to sleep first without needing to wait for him everyday, Youji would still find himself lying on his bed, awake, staring at the ceiling. He would always try and sleep – like what Tetsuo had wanted him to – but before he knew it, he’d find himself thinking about Tetsuo, ears straining for any possible noise he could hear from the living room. He didn’t want Tetsuo to worry too much about him and he knew that despite being worried, Tetsuo would never be one to pester him about it. So, on various occasions, he’d find Tetsuo walking into the room while he pretended to be asleep, smelling of alcohol and smoke, and then he’d find a hand on his face, a kiss, before Tetsuo walked out of the room, leaving him to hear his heartbeats loud in his own ears.

He’d wanted to wait for Tetsuo every night. And when he’d gotten to do so, he’d find Tetsuo looking absolutely troubled for a few moments before he broke into a smile. Tetsuo’s smile – one that was so genuine, so pure; a gesture Youji had come to love of him.

He turned to his side, his room dark, trying to spot any possible sound from the living room. He couldn’t tell how much time had passed but he knew that he wouldn’t ever be able to sleep without knowing if Tetsuo had come home. He closed his eyes, opened them again, and closing them again. Repeating that for a couple of times, he finally sat up, just in time to hear movements from their door.

His first thought was to head out of the room so that he could greet Tetsuo but, before he could turn the knob, he paused. The sound was gone. Didn’t Tetsuo return already? Did he go out again?

It didn’t seem like he was about to come into Youji’s room either. Curious, he opened the door, finding himself staring at an empty room, before he strode towards the front door.

As soon as he opened the door, his eyes brightened. Tetsuo was standing right outside of their door, leaning against the wall, his eyes casted upon the sky before he turned around to look at Youji.

“Not sleeping yet?” he asked.

“Ah… yeah,” Youji trailed, taken aback. “What are you doing here?”

“…just a bit.”

There’s nothing about Tetsuo that Youji could’ve mislooked. Tetsuo returned his gaze to the sky, his hands in the pockets of his jackets, as Youji inched closer towards him so that he could stand by his side.

“Welcome home,” he whispered, joining Tetsuo’s gaze to look at the sky. The night sky was blanketed with stars; the twinkling of them enchanting, they blinked and flickered away, scattering throughout the sea of black-blue.

“I’m home,” Tetsuo responded with an equally small whisper. He picked Youji’s hand, fidgeted a tad, before he spoke again.

“Cold?”

“A bit.”

Tetsuo broke into a smile. Pulling their hands off, he took his jacket off, draping it around Youji’s body instead.

“Are you not cold?” Youji asked, perking a sideway glance at Tetsuo’s direction, whom had picked Youji’s hand up again, his eyes returned to the sky.

“Not really.”

He wondered what Tetsuo had in his mind. He wondered if the scene they were looking at now reminded him of something, of memories Youji never knew of him.

He wanted to ask Tetsuo; he had many questions he’d like to ask Tetsuo. But instead, he gripped Tetsuo firmer on his hand instead, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes.

“Do you think we would become one of them when we die?”

Tetsuo’s question caught Youji off guard but for some reason, he calmed almost instantly, taking Tetsuo’s question into full consideration. He felt as if he’d been expecting Tetsuo to ask him about this – about life, death, and after life. But he’d never expected Tetsuo to ask him now, when they were both gazing at the stars, when time was peaceful and quiet and… fine.

“Maybe,” he breathed. “If one of us dies first, then we can become one of the stars.” He opened his eyes, lips curved into a small smile. “So that we could look after the living one despite not being by their side physically.”

Tetsuo’s response was little but he was certain that he’d felt his pulses beating harder at the thought of that. Leaning his head against Tetsuo’s shoulder, he revelled in the comfortable silence between them, embracing the soothing atmosphere of peace and normality both of them were sharing at this very moment.

This was all they’d ever wanted. Simple things like this. Just the both of them – by each other’s side.


	14. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another step taken. As a family.

Dropping by Tetsuo’s parents house after the long day of shopping was definitely not part of his expectations. He said he’d trust Tetsuo and let him bring him wherever he wanted to but having him to stand in front of the house he was now more than familiar with had his heart beating loudly in his ears, simply staring until when Tetsuo nudged him on the elbow that he gulped down his throat, following Tetsuo into the house.

“Sakiyama-kun, it’s been a while, come on in.”

“Sorry for the intrusion.” With a bow, Youji stepped into the house, slowly starting to get used to the surrounding. Tetsuo’s parents house felt like a long memory he’d left behind. Yet, as they paced along the corridor, the nostalgia swarmed upon him as he looked around, curving an instinctive smile when Tetsuo stopped to pat a black cat sitting at the edge of the garden. Everything that had happened here felt like a distant past. Yet, everything that had happened here was necessary; every single memory he’d made here being ones that he’d put close to his heart. He watched as Tetsuo fed the black cat dried sardines, then nodded at Tetsuo when he was done, following him down the familiar route of his corridor to where his room was.

“Mom was asking if we wanted to drop by for dinner,” Tetsuo explained as Youji closed the door. When he turned around, Tetsuo was already sitting on the bed, taking his jacket off. Youji, however, stood rooted on the spot, staring around, trying to retrieved memories he’d long stored in one corner of his brain.

“Sakiyama.”

He came back to himself when Tetsuo called out to him, just to see Tetsuo patting on the vacant space by his side, urging him to go over.

The scent in Tetsuo’s room embraced him in a comfortable sense of nostalgia that he couldn’t help but close his eyes, leisurely indulged in the evening atmosphere. Then, before he knew it, Tetsuo’s hand was on his, intertwining their fingers as he felt Tetsuo leaning his head against his with closed eyes.

“Tired?” he patted Tetsuo’s head with a chuckle.

Tetsuo didn’t respond. With a slight shuffle, he straightened himself up, arm encircling around Youji, another arm reaching up to tilt Youji’s chin so that he was facing him. The familiar kiss fell upon his lips almost immediately. He wasn’t surprised nor was he taken off guard. This time, he returned Tetsuo’s fervour with small pecks of his own, a smile spread in between their lips as they submerged themselves in the soothing vibe of nostalgia.

“It’s been so long,” he muttered in between kisses.

“What is it?”

“Since everything.”

Youji didn’t need to elaborate. But his words had clearly acted as a strong yet effective trigger as Tetsuo pulled him into a deeper kiss, with tongues involved.

Their intimacy was interrupted when they heard knocks on the door. Youji sprung himself apart while Tetsuo did a silent click of tongue before both of them stood from the bed and headed out of the room.

Food were already set on the table when they stepped into the dining space. The pleasant smell of homemade food sent a grumble out of Youji’s tummy. He didn’t notice he was hungry, they’d have good bowls of ramen for lunch earlier after all. But, as he settled down with Tetsuo, he noticed that he might be starving more than he’d expected himself to.

“Please eat,” Tetsuo’s mother had said while Tetsuo started digging into his own food.

He wouldn’t call it pressure but having to face Tetsuo’s mother had always been something that he found himself unable to get used to, no matter how many times he was to do it. Munching silently on his food, he casted constant careful look between Tetsuo and his mother, smiling awkwardly when Tetsuo’s mother smiled at him.

“Has everything been well, Sakiyama-kun?”

“Ah, yeah, everything’s okay,” Youji said, swallowing a mouthful of rice down his throat.

“That’s good to hear. I’m a bit worried since this child isn’t very good with taking care of someone else,” his mother smiled, putting vegetable into Youji’s bowl at the same time.

“Shironuma has been nice,” Youji assured.

“Seems like it,” the smile on her face widened. “Don’t cause too much troubles for Sakiyama-kun, okay?”

Tetsuo nodded with a hum, still munching on his food. Seeing that, his mother shook her head with a bitter smile before she returned her attention to Youji again.

“Thank you for taking care of Tetsuo.”

Youji almost choked on his food.

“No, no, it’s nothing. Shironuma has been–”

He couldn’t continue. Feeling embarrassed, he lowered his head, all the while having Tetsuo’s mother to smile at him.

He would never get used to this. While he tried hard to think of something to say, a piece of meat was placed into his bowl, causing him to look up, just to see Tetsuo looking at him.

“Eat more,” Tetsuo said meekly.

“That’s Tetsuo’s favourite,” his mother commented. “He’s learning how to make it, maybe he can make it for you too one of these days.”

Tetsuo maintained a straight face upon that comment but Youji knew him well enough to understand that he’s struggling internally with himself. Deciding to let the chance to tease him slip, he ate quietly, trying hard not to make his chuckle obvious.

The dining table was quiet for a while then, with only the sounds of them eating. And when they’re almost done, Tetsuo laid his cutleries down, his action had both his mother and Youji looking at him.

“Mom,” he started, slowly, steadily. “I’m thinking of getting married.”

Youji almost passed out there and then while Tetsuo’s mother clapped a hand to his mouth with a quiet ‘oh my’.

“S-Shironuma?!”

“Not soon but, eventually.”

He was still wearing a dismissive face; Youji had an intense need to pull him out of his chair and into his room just so he could ask what’s the matter with him. But his mother had started laughing then. Standing up, she took the empty bowls off the table, stacking them together and was about to walk into the kitchen when she turned to look at them from over her shoulders.

“I know,” was all she said before she walked off, leaving Youji to gape at her disappearing back.

“W-what was that?” Youji hissed under his breath. Tetsuo stood, expressionless, with Youji following him to help out with the cleaning up.

“It’s like what it is.”

“I’ve never heard you talking about it ever.”

Tetsuo fell silent. At long last, when they were done with cleaning the table, he spoke again, catching Youji off guard.

“Is it bad?”

Huh? Youji made a small sound from within.

Bad?

Oh.

“No, no, it’s not that! I need to be… you know, prepared at least. Especially in front of your mother!”

“I see.”

He wasn’t sure if Tetsuo actually understood what he was trying to say nor could he tell if he had managed to convey whatever he was trying to say at Tetsuo properly. With a profound sigh, he passed the dirty bowls to Tetsuo and sat, every second that has passed felt like an hour.

They retrieved their bags and Tetsuo’s jacket from his room after, wanting to go back before the sky became dark. Tetsuo’s mother sent them to the door when she looked at the sky.

“It’s raining,” she said. “Umbrella?”

“Got it,” Tetsuo said, raising the umbrella he’d taken off from their shelf.

“Good,” his mother smiled. “Please drop by again, Sakiyama-kun.”

“Sure. Thank you for the meal,” Youji said with a bow.

“Be careful on your way back,” Tetsuo’s mother patted him on the shoulder, sending them off.

Walking under the umbrella like this reminded him of a memory that was, yet again, another distant past of its own. Tetsuo remained silent as usual. While they walked, Youji shot him infrequent sideway gaze, thinking hard for something to talk about.

“That… what you said just now,” he started. Tetsuo didn’t respond, but he knew that he was listening. “How long have you been thinking about it?”

“Since I moved it,” Tetsuo responded honestly.

“Why didn’t you tell me about it?”

“Didn’t have the chance to.”

“I see…”

They fell silent again; the atmosphere shared between them terrifyingly similar to one they’d shared when they first walked under the rain like this.

“Is it bad?” Tetsuo asked again, the same question that he’d asked in his parents’ house.

“No, it’s not,” Youji answered truthfully. “It’s just that… I’m not prepared for it.”

“It doesn’t need to be now,” Tetsuo reassured.

“Yeah, but.” How could he communicate what he felt to Tetsuo now? It felt like everything he said would come off wrong.

“I’ll wait until when you’re ready.”

How could he tell Tetsuo that he’s ready anytime, as long as Tetsuo was?

He couldn’t bring himself to say anything so, as a response, he held Tetsuo’s hand, gripping firmly on it, intertwining their fingers.

“Okay,” he said, gently and peacefully.

He felt Tetsuo return his grasp and in that instance, he thought his feelings had reached Tetsuo, if he’d read his smile correctly.


	15. First Try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s the start of a new promise.

When Youji came out of his room, Tetsuo was already standing by the door. Wearing a black jacket and a white inner shirt, alongside a black pants, he searched around the shelf near their door, only looking up when Youji walked towards him.

“It’s probably going to rain today,” he said swiftly, answering the question on Youji’s face.

“Huh? Then should we go some other day?”

“It’s fine,” Tetsuo said, resuming his search, and Youji soon found him pulling an umbrella out of the shelf. “We can bring this along.”

The sky was clear now but he couldn’t tell what would happen later and Tetsuo had always occurred to him as the overly concerned person – a trait he’d picked up from his mother – and in this situation, he guessed he could leave it to Tetsuo to take care of things.

He put on his shoes in front of the door while Tetsuo opened the door, the umbrella in his hand, before he turned around to stretch a hand at Youji’s direction. With a smile, Youji took his hand, the rough texture of his skin a familiar comfort to him as they walked hand-in-hand, down the stairs of their mansion.

Tetsuo had suggested to go downtown for a stroll around town today; since it was both of their day off, Youji found no reason to say no. The only thing was, he didn’t realize this to be a date at all until when he found Tetsuo’s note on the kitchen table, with a clear title of “What to bring for a date” written prominently on it the night before today that he found heat rising to the tip of his ears.

Walking around with Tetsuo was a rare occasion of its own. They were always busy with work, and the only time when they could spend time walking on the street like this was when Tetsuo came over to pick him up from work.

It’s a totally new yet nostalgic experience for the both of them today. With their usual comfortable silence, they took the route leading towards town and once they came to stand in front of a crossroad, Tetsuo stopped, looking around, as if searching for something.

“Do you have anywhere you want to go first?” Youji asked, joining his gaze.

Tetsuo hummed lowly without answering. When he walked again, Youji merely followed, trusting in his plan.

They came to stop in front of what seemed to be a clothing shop and, after Tetsuo confirmed the name of it, they walked into it, with Youji feeling more awkward than usual.

“Do you want to buy clothes?” he asked.

“Both of us,” Tetsuo responded simply. “It’s been a while for me, and for you too.”

He can’t deny that. It’s not like he was ever concerned about what to wear anyway. Perhaps Tetsuo was the same too. This sudden idea of shopping for clothing caught him off guard but as he browsed around, Tetsuo had strolled to a different section, where he deemed to be one where formal clothing were displayed.

He couldn’t imagine himself in those at all. Staying in his comfortable casual section, he only looked up when Tetsuo came to stand by his side, holding what seemed to be a three-piece suit in his hands.

“Do you want to try?”

“Huh? I thought this is for you,” Youji stared, wide-eyed at the piece of clothing Tetsuo was holding in his hands.

“I’ve got one for myself too,” Tetsuo explained, bringing up the other set in another hand.

“Is this for some kind of occasion?” An event Youji didn’t know, maybe?

Tetsuo merely smiled. Putting the clothing into Youji’s hand, he picked his hand up, guiding him to where a row of changing room was located.

Tetsuo was serious about it; Youji could tell as much from his action. Feeling his heartbeats increased within his chest, he walked into one of the changing rooms, hearing the door beside his closed when he did, then released a sigh he’d held in when Tetsuo was within eyesight. He shifted his attention back to the suit. What Tetsuo had chosen for him was a pair of black-coloured suit, sleek and elegant; something he couldn’t imagine himself wearing.

Still feeling self-conscious, he started preparing himself. The silky material brushed through his skin as he put it on, giving him a sort of surrealism that he didn’t know he’d been feeling for the entire time now. And, when he’s done, he looked at himself in the mirror, finding himself gaping at his own reflection.

He… wasn’t sure if he could meet Tetsuo properly in this.

But, his consideration was being cut short when he heard knocks on the door. He must have taken too long to dress up.

Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes, letting the moment sink in, then opened the door.

He paused in his tracks the moment he saw Tetsuo. He thought he was looking at a totally different person altogether. Tetsuo had always been good looking; it’s a fact that goes without saying. He had amazing height, amazing body build, and amazing features. It’s no wonder that seeing him in a suit would have Youji’s breath trapped in his chest, totally dazzled and unable to respond. But Tetsuo seemed to have the same complication too as he stared at Youji, his gaze froze, unable to take his eyes away from his face. Then, Tetsuo’s eyes fell downwards, then upwards, scanning Youji from head to toe, before he pulled a smile.

He thought he’d stopped breathing when Tetsuo came over, his overwhelming aura threatening a destructive impact of its own, almost slamming his soul out of his own body. Tetsuo slid his fingers along Youji’s face, staring intensely, before he leaned in to kiss him on the forehead. He said nothing, but Youji couldn’t imagine him saying anything anyway, especially not in a situation like this. If Tetsuo’s smile was any indication, he guessed… he didn’t look that bad after all.

And, when he was just about to say something, Tetsuo pulled a distance between them, looking around, then coming back to Youji.

“Shironu– mph!”

Tetsuo had chosen the precise moment when Youji started speaking to kiss him. It was no light kisses, but one of intense and impatient and above all, desperate and definitely passionate.

Youji looked around frantically, releasing relieving sigh into Tetsuo’s mouth upon noticing that they’re left completely alone before he returned Tetsuo’s kiss, the tip of his tongue finding Tetsuo’s.

They were indulged in the kiss for a whole thirty seconds before they pulled themselves unwillingly apart, in which Youji started chuckling the moment he made out Tetsuo’s face.

“What’s with this all of a sudden?”

“Can’t help it”, Tetsuo responded in a low murmur, visibly restraining himself. “You look good.”

“I can say the same to you,” Youji patted him on the head, still in disbelief.

“One day,” Tetsuo pressed his head against Youji’s shoulder, with Youji’s hand still caressing the back of his head.

“Hm?”

“One day,” Tetsuo merely repeated.

Youji didn’t know what he was trying to say but he patted his head nevertheless. One day, he’d know. That’s just how they worked. Time would eventually unveil more layers and surprises between them.

But for now, this worked. Just being in each other’s arms, seeing each other in new appearances, and eventually, they’d come to reveal more of each other, surprising each other all over again.

Their time has just started after all. As they walked, hand-in-hand, on the busy streets again, Youji couldn’t help but smile, noticing how much more that they had yet to explore with each other.

And how much time they had to do it together. 


	16. Delicacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their connection is more than just physical.

He had no idea how long had he been staying in the bathtub. The water had since lost its warmth, all that was left was the sound of dripping water from the showerhead, one which he’d used to damp his body before he sank into the bathtub. Feeling sleepy, he shook his head several times, raising his hands to slap himself on the face. He might have fallen asleep several times in the bathtub without himself realizing it. He tried to stand, the water in the tub flowed from the pressure, but right before he could, he felt a sharp pain traveling down his spine, immediately had him grasping onto the edge of the bathtub to avoid his fall.

He must have made a sound when the pain hit him because, in the next moment, Tetsuo had come knocking on the door, asking if he’s okay.

“I’m fine,” he immediately said. He tried to stand again, but the searing pain had come to rest on his tailbone, moving was hard on its own. With a profound sigh, he surrendered, sitting back into the bathtub, giving his body a few moments of rest before he spoke.

“Shironuma?”

He could hear a slight movement outside the door. It’s just Tetsuo being Tetsuo. He’s not going to leave just because Youji said so. He’d stay until he saw Youji being  _really_  fine with his own eyes.

“Can you… help me?”

The next thing he knew, Tetsuo had supported him out of the bathtub, helping him to dry his body and when he finally found comfort on his own bed, he let out a deep breath, totally exhausted.

As he laid face down, with only a towel around his waist, he found Tetsuo’s palm on his back, pressing along his spine, as if looking for something.

“Does it still hurt?” Tetsuo asked.

“A bit…” Youji confessed. That searing pain from earlier had left behind patches of numbness along his back; he wondered if he’d accidentally strained his back when he was about to stand earlier? Or was it an accumulative strain that he’d never noticed himself?

Tetsuo’s hand felt wonderful on his back; it rubbed on the right spot where he felt it the most, as if pushing the bruises apart and returning the flexibility to his body. Out of his own conscious, he closed his eyes, humming softly in response to Tetsuo’s touch. And soon, two hands were on his back, pressing against the sore areas. It hurt at first, and Tetsuo had to press down on him to prevent him from escaping but slowly yet surely, he started gotten used to it and before he knew it, he was thoroughly enjoying it.

There was something about Tetsuo’s touches that would always do things to him. He had no control over how his own body felt; it’s as if Tetsuo knew his body better than himself, and with that realization, he’d long submitted his body into Tetsuo’s hands, allowing him to treat it the best way Tetsuo knew.

Sometimes, he felt like Tetsuo treated his body better than he did himself.

It was obvious from the way Tetsuo was delicately soothing his muscles, infrequently tracing feather-like touches along his bones. Sometimes, Tetsuo would grasp the whole of his waist with his palms, pressing against his flesh with his thumbs and the more he was to pamper Youji in his massage, the sleepier Youji felt. He might really fall asleep at this rate.

“Sakiyama.”

Tetsuo’s voice urged him to open his eyes. Through the corner of his eyes, he saw Tetsuo staring at him from behind him, his hands no longer on his back.

“Hm?”

“I’m turning you around.”

“Ah, oh, okay.”

He didn’t know what Tetsuo intended to do but he supported himself up with his elbows anyway, and in the next moment, he was lying on the bed, facing upwards, with Tetsuo hovering right above him.

“Feeling better?” Tetsuo asked. The sky had turned dark when he dozed off; there were no lights in the room so all he could make out of Tetsuo’s face was his eyes, which was gazing penetratingly on his own.

“Much better,” he smiled, stretching a hand to pat Tetsuo on the head. “Thank you. That was good.”

He didn’t know he needed it. His body felt much more relaxed than before, his muscles no longer tensed. He could probably move by his own will now. If only he could put on something to wear…

But Tetsuo had pressed himself on him the moment that mere thought brushed past his head. With his lips against Youji’s neck, he kissed him softly, leisurely indulging in the soft texture of Youji’s skin.

“You’ve been overworking yourself again,” Tetsuo breathed against his neck, hot breath hitting him on the skin, giving him goosebumps.

“Maybe it’s wrong sleeping posture but you’re right.” He hugged Tetsuo’s head close to his chest, caressing the fine strands of his blond hair. “I need to look after myself better.”

Losing control of his own body gave him terrible flashback to the past – one that he no longer wanted to go through. But, for some reason, as he patted slowly on Tetsuo’s hair, he realized that he was no longer fearful to that bloody past. He never had anyone to go through it with him back then; all he ever had was himself, in this very room, seeing red, feeling like he was a monster. All alone. But now, he had Tetsuo – Tetsuo, who held him in ways that he didn’t know he needed. Tetsuo, who’d witnessed everything without feeling any ounce of disgust. Tetsuo, who accepted him for who he was. He felt like he could go through everything now that he had Tetsuo was by his side.

Two is better than one, indeed.

He let out a comforting sigh at the thought and, while he let Tetsuo go, Tetsuo inched downwards, coming to his chest and kissed on his scar.

“Shironuma…?”

Tetsuo said nothing. One finger tracing the outline of his scar, he had his lips on it, simply tracing, as if he was worshipping it.

His proof of being alive, even when he wasn’t supposed to.

Youji closed his eyes, indulging himself in the soothing calm. In the very moment, it didn’t even matter if he was no longer human. Tetsuo would be here with him, and he’d accept him, regardless of who or what he was to be.


	17. Small Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something smaller than them.

Tetsuo was a light sleeper. Youji had come to notice about this on the second night they spent their time in each other’s arms, in the same bed. He should’ve expected this constant intimacy when Tetsuo moved in but having to face the real thing rather than his overactive imagination was still something that had often caught him off guard. Despite so, he had to admit that having someone else by his side – especially when it’s  _Tetsuo_  – was still a fact that he’d come to grow particularly fond towards.

Comfortable silence, skin-against-skin, nothing but the sound of their slow breathing alongside their intertwined fingers. In this moment, everything was perfect. Everything  _seemed_  perfect. It’s as if time had stopped for them, opening up an hour that belonged exclusively to them.

Tetsuo’s small movement when he moved his body, turning around to face Youji, was what had disturbed the peace in the room. Feeling a gaze, he turned too, finding Tetsuo staring at him.

“What’s the matter?” he asked.

Tetsuo closed his eyes then. With shallow breathing, his hand traced along the outline of Youji’s naked torso, then came to rest on his chest, where his scar was.

Youji couldn’t quite make out what kind of expression Tetsuo was showing him now; the moonlight pouring into the room was dimmed, just enough to smear a layer of gradient onto Tetsuo’s well-structured face features. He could tell that Tetsuo’s eyes were still on him, but his mind was obviously elsewhere. Attempting to understand, he raised a hand and put it on top of Tetsuo’s as well, joining him to feel his heartbeats.

“Does it hurt?” Tetsuo finally spoke.

“You mean the scar?” Youji asked.

Tetsuo hummed lowly.

“It doesn’t,” Youji comforted. He leaned forward, pulling their distance closer, and pressing their chests together. Now, he could feel Tetsuo’s heartbeats, strong and steady, like how he’d first felt it on the train.

Tetsuo had his eyes closed when Youji looked at him again. He didn’t seem like he’d fallen asleep and, sure enough, his hand moved in the next second, as if reading Youji’s thoughts, and slipped downwards, now resting on Youji’s tummy.

“Does it still hurt here?”

Youji paused for mere seconds, considering. But he didn’t need too long to figure out what Tetsuo was implying. The clenching feeling he’d once felt in his tummy was long gone. It’s as if everything back then was a dream, that he simply went through a sort of nightmare that felt so real he couldn’t distinguish between both.

Just that – it was also the same nightmare shared with Tetsuo.

“No more,” he comforted again, a smile lifted to emphasize his assurance.

He swore Tetsuo had smiled too but before he could confirm what he saw, Tetsuo had inched closer, kissing him on the forehead, all the while rubbing against his tummy.

“Haha, stop, it tickles,” Youji struggled.

With that, Tetsuo encircled an arm around his body, drawing him back, leaving no space between the both of them.

“What do you think about children?”

His abrupt question had Youji widening his eyes at him. How did he arrive at that train of thought? Was that what he had been thinking for the entire time now? It’s useless trying to trace Tetsuo’s thought process – a skill he had yet to master – so he pondered, finding nostalgia in the question.

“I’m okay with them, I guess,” he replied slowly. “I mean, after seeing how Yuuji is, I guess they’re fine. How about you?”

He remembered asking Tetsuo the same question a year back, and his answer back then had made him laugh. He wondered if Tetsuo still felt the same, or was one year enough to change a man’s impression?

Tetsuo, however, took a longer time to ponder than Youji did. When he spoke, he sounded like a whisper, like a child who was caught red-handed for doing something indecent.

“I’m not good with them.”

“Seriously?” Youji said in disbelief. “But you get along well with Yuuji.”

“I’m only doing what he wants me to do.”

Well, Tetsuo had a point there. But from how Youji saw it, he could be way better in handling children than Youji ever would.

“But I wouldn’t mind if it’s ours.”

“Eh?”

Ours?

Tetsuo rubbed his palm against Youji’s tummy again, as if cherishing something extremely precious. His motion was as delicate and as careful as usual but now, being completely distracted, Youji no longer felt ticklish as before.

“Who do you think the child would look like?”

He was slowly but surely understanding what Tetsuo was trying to say but he refrained a laugh, joining to touch his own tummy before he said,

“Hmmm, if he’s a boy, I’d like him to look like you.”

“Why me?”

“Well, you’re good looking.”

“You are too.”

“Not as good as you.” It’s frustrating, but it’s the truth, and he’s sure that Tetsuo would think otherwise but he had the dominance in this conversation now so he should keep it going.

“Maybe he’ll have your eyes too,” he chuckled, trying to conjure an image up in his head.

“And your hair,” Tetsuo was quick to participate.

“Hmmm, that doesn’t sound too bad,” Youji agreed.

Tetsuo smiled. His hand now resting on Youji’s hair, he stroked the fine strands of it, eyes looking at things which Youji couldn’t see. When they joined gaze, their lips met instinctively, as naturally as they always were, like it was meant to be.

He didn’t know why they were talking about it but he was certain that despite Tetsuo’s firm confirmation that he’d never be good with children, he knew that he’d be the best father if they were to have their own child.

But that’s all ifs anyway.

With that thought, he drifted into sleep, hoping that at least it could be something that could be realized in their dreams, where reality was another deception.


	18. Too Wet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are a lot of things that could happen in a bathroom.

He felt like he hadn’t been using the bathroom for a century. Being sick was dreadful. It reminded him of the time when he was still staying by himself, when he’d feel awful waking up to the smell of blood and with his vision painted red. When he turned to his side, he’d see more blood, pieces of meat clumped together and moving and everything was literally a painting of Hell. Of course, the fever he’d experienced for the past two days was nothing comparable to those. He’d long passed the time when he felt such way; he no longer saw blood, and he no longer had to deal with weird frustrations in his stomach.

But still, being sick was not fun.

He sighed as he looked at his own reflection in the mirror. He was pale, perhaps even lost some weight as he checked on his muscles. His scar was still vivid on his chest and despite moving on from the unpleasant bloody experience he once had, this very scar would still conveniently remind him of yet another bloody experience that he was sure that he’d never ever be able to let go.

He traced light scratches along the scar; no pain, just a tingling sensation, and while he was almost dragged into the abyss of dark memories, he heard the sound of door opening, pulling him back effectively.

“Shironuma?!” he shrieked, noticing Tetsuo’s shadow inching towards him from the door. “What are you doing here?!”

“You’re not completely recovered yet,” Tetsuo said, deadpanned. “I’d be troubled if you faint halfway through showering.”

“I won’t!” Youji retorted, but there was nothing he could do. Tetsuo seemed determined to be in here and it wasn’t like he couldn’t understand Tetsuo’s intention either. With a profound sigh that echoed throughout the bathroom, he turned his back towards Tetsuo, then turning the shower on.

“You don’t want me here?”

He could hear Tetsuo’s voice from behind him, close yet far, realizing that he’d stepped into a territory that would pull the overly concerned part of Tetsuo out of him again.

“Not really…” he muttered, hoping that it’s loud enough for Tetsuo to hear.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” he reaffirmed.

He could almost hear a smile but what he felt instead was Tetsuo’s warm skin pressing against his own cold one, sending shivers down his spine.

“I’ll clean your body for you,” Tetsuo muttered into Youji’s ear, licking his ear shell provocatively.

“W-wait, I can do it myself.”

“I’ve been helping you for the past two days, it’s fine.”

It’s not like they hadn’t been showering together ever. But no matter how many times they were to do it, Youji would never get used to it. He allowed Tetsuo to damp his whole body, allowed Tetsuo to scrub on his skin, all the while had his eyes fixed on Tetsuo’s figure. He’d come to the realization that Tetsuo, despite being one year younger, was definitely bigger-built than him but he wouldn’t say that he felt absolutely nothing at all being the older one in the relationship. Yet, when Tetsuo exposed his naked body in such way – with water running down every inch of his skin, creating a slick, clean, and wet visual that Youji couldn’t help but stare – he came to realize that Tetsuo’s body was in fact, very,  _very_  perfect.

He shouldn’t be expecting less from one of the most powerful Osus, really.

“Hm?”

He was drawn back to reality by Tetsuo’s low hum, just to find Tetsuo staring downwards. Joining his gaze, he hitched a breath, was about to turn around when Tetsuo stopped him by grasping onto both of his wrists.

“Thinking about something?” Tetsuo asked, his tone low, and Youji felt his heart skipping a beat upon noticing the heated, beast-like breath in his tone when he spoke to him.

“Just… wondering how much more your body is going to grow.”

Being 18, perhaps Tetsuo would grow some more.  _A lot more._

“Hmm,” Tetsuo pondered, as if he was taking the question seriously, but then, one of his hands had snaked downwards, making contact with Youji’s standing erection, before he took it into his palm.

“I wouldn’t know,” he said at long last, in a truncated whisper. “But I hope I wouldn’t grow anymore, though.”

“Eh?”

Tetsuo had told him before – how his abnormal growth rate had caused people around him to think of him as some sort of monster. Despite Youji’s genuine thought, Tetsuo’s body wasn’t one that he’d be perfectly proud of and he had a good reason for it.

Yet…

His body acted faster before he could stop himself, he raised a hand and placed a palm against Tetsuo’s chest, finding the comforting beating of his heart.  _Thump, thump_. He’d lost count of how many times Tetsuo’s heartbeats had saved his life. Even when he’d come to grow fond towards Tetsuo’s body, his heart remained as his favourite body part. When he lifted his gaze, he caught sight of Tetsuo’s eyes; the once dismissive cold pair of eyes now burned in a sort of intensity buried deep within the ice. The temperature of the room increased with every passing second, mist clouded their eyes and the next thing he knew, he’d launched towards Tetsuo, pulling him into a heated kiss.

Tetsuo had one hand holding Youji from the back, encircling his arm around his waist to support him with a free hand pumping on Youji’s dick. They shared hot breath and cloudy gaze and it didn’t take too long for Tetsuo to lift Youji up by the thighs, having his back to press against the marble tiles of their bathroom wall. Instinctively, Youji locked his legs around Tetsuo’s waist in a frantic manner, an attempt to hold himself in place, and finding Tetsuo positioning his completely hard dick against his hole.

“You promised,” was all Tetsuo said before Youji found himself being pried open, the head of Tetsuo’s dick pushing bit-by-bit into him.

He couldn’t recall if he’d ever promised Tetsuo something like this but they needed no promise for this after all. It’d been made clear since ages ago that they belonged to no one but each other and that their bond was connected in more than just a physical sense. He felt Tetsuo hitting him on the hilt, water from the showerhead fell mercilessly on them and giving him the impression when they’d first done it under the rain. He chuckled, causing Tetsuo to stop his motion.

“Ah, no, was just reminded of something,” he quickly said.

Tetsuo paused for mere seconds but the careful, languid thrusts he’d given Youji in the next second told Youji enough that their minds had synchronized at that exact moment. None of them would ever forget the pain and frustration that came with their first time but both of them knew that they now had plenty of time to make up for it. Tetsuo would never and would no longer mistreat Youji and Youji had perfect conviction of why he could trust Tetsuo with that.

With his dick rubbed against Tetsuo’s abdomen, he soon found himself nearing the limit, and, with a strangled moan later, he came all over Tetsuo’s torso, feeling warm spread in him at the same time.

They allowed each other a few moments to catch their breath. His head felt heavy, the temperature in the room gave him an illusion as if his fever was back. Tetsuo pulled out of him but, as he tried to stand, the strength in his knees gave away, leaving him to hold onto Tetsuo’s shoulders, just in time to avoid his fall.

“Are you okay?” Tetsuo asked, concerned.

“Yeah… Just a bit dizzy.”

Tetsuo kissed him on the forehead then.

“Let’s wash you up. Again.”

Completely drained, Youji could only manage a smile, then a nod, making a mental note at the same time to stop Tetsuo for joining him in the shower if he wasn’t looking out for a good long sleep for the rest of the night.


	19. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They are the proof of existence.

He’d heard a lot of stories about Youji when he was young from Erika. In fact, it didn’t seem like Erika could ever stop talking about it when she started. Youji seemed to be a quiet child even when he was young, something that didn’t surprise Tetsuo the slightest. But despite so, he was brighter; he smiled more often, talked more often, and it was that one accident that had changed his life, including his personality. Erika tried hard to make sure that nothing much had changed, but that was as much as she could do. She wasn’t there to witness the scene – how their parents were killed right in front of Youji’s eyes and how he’d been splattered by blood from head to toe. It was too much for a young child and was definitely not something Youji could come to forget easily.

That was perhaps why Youji hadn’t been speaking a lot about his childhood to Tetsuo. Tetsuo wasn’t sure if he’d forgotten about them or if he simply refused to speak about it but despite so, his curiosity was real, something that Erika easily captured when she simply brought up the topic of wanting to buy something for her son like what Youji would like when he was younger.

It’s hard for him to imagine a younger Youji, as much as he didn’t like to admit it. It wasn’t something that bothered him greatly but it was still something and he wasn’t sure what he could do to know more.

“I’ll send you some pictures.”

Erika’s final words before she hung the phone gave Tetsuo the solutions he needed. And soon enough, his phone rang again, this time, an email with a few attachments.

He never thought he ever needed to see these in his entire life.

* * *

“I’m back.”

When Youji opened the door, Tetsuo was nowhere to be seen. Weird, considering how Tetsuo would always be rushing out to greet him even before he could open the door. He looked around, instantly noting that Tetsuo wasn’t in the living room nor the dining room then walking towards where his bedroom was.

There he was, sitting on the bed, staring at something on the phone, something that was obviously very intriguing for him to have not heard Youji walking into the room.

“Shironuma?” he called. Tetsuo jerked his head up, snapping his phone shut in an instant and stared at Youji, his face a blank.

“What are you looking at?” Youji asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

He was expecting Tetsuo to deny upon his question but all Tetsuo did was continue staring at him, the conflicts in his gaze something that was too obvious for Youji to miss.

“It’s not… nothing, right?” Youji helped, assuming that that’s the answer Tetsuo might have conjured in his head. He calmed himself – it’d be fine if Tetsuo was looking at something indecent, he’s… that age after all.

Tetsuo averted his gaze then. And, when Youji sat by his side, he opened his phone again, lifting the screen close enough to where Youji could see.

It was definitely not something Youji had been expecting to see. No naked women, but a naked baby whom he knew was him.

“This is…!”

He shifted his gaze between whatever Tetsuo was showing him and Tetsuo, all the while with a gape on his face.

“How did you…”

“Your sister sent it to me.”

“Sister…?!”

“We were talking about what to buy for Yuuji.”

Why… would she be talking to you about that in the first place, anyway? Youji wanted so much to ask but he was way too occupied by something else to let the question slip.

“I-it’s embarrassing, don’t look.”

“Why?”

“Huh?”

“Why is it embarrassing? You were cute.”

“Every baby is cute!” Youji defended, attempting to take the phone out of Tetsuo’s hand just to have Tetsuo holding it out of his reach.

“That’s true but Sakiyama is cute too.”

He could no longer tell where this conversation was heading to nor did he want to debate further. Feeling heat rising to his face, he gave up, sighing heavily.

“If you don’t like me looking at it, then I’ll delete all of them,” Tetsuo said after a momentary pause, fiddling with the phone.

“No, no, it’s fine, you don’t have to do to that extent,” Youji stopped him, placing a hand on top of Tetsuo’s. “But now that you’ve seen mine, I want to see yours too.”

Tetsuo frowned then; immediately noticing that he’d said something inconsiderate, Youji followed up frantically.

“Ah, sorry! I didn’t mean to say that. I mean… erm, pictures when you were in middle school are fine too!”

He’d forgotten that Tetsuo didn’t have any pictures of when he was young to begin with. He wondered how it felt for Tetsuo to be shifted from house to house when he was young, if he still felt as if he was unwanted now? Tetsuo once mentioned that it didn’t matter to him if he ever wanted to know who his real parents were but something in Youji told him that if he was given a chance to seek the truth, Tetsuo might possibly take it.

It’s not for Youji to decide, though. Tetsuo could do whatever he wanted and Youji would still support him anyway.

“I’ll try to ask,” Tetsuo said after a long deliberation.

“You don’t have any with you now?”

Tetsuo shook his head. “We don’t really take photos at home. There’s only one family photo in the living room in my parent’s house.”

“I see…”

Tetsuo’s words did things to him. Photographs are like a memory storage; it’s because of how unreliable a person’s memory is that photographs exist to help them remember things. The lack of physical evidence of Tetsuo was as if Tetsuo was lacking presence himself and it hurt Youji hearing Tetsuo saying it in such a casual way.

Gripping Tetsuo’s hand firmer, he smiled, pulling Tetsuo’s attention back to himself as he said,

“We shall take a lot of pictures of you now then.”

Tetsuo returned a questioning stare, then a smile that was a reflection of Youji’s.

“Together.”

Youji chuckled. “Sure. Together.”

If there was any way they could do to mark their existence in each other’s mind, to remind each other that everything that they’ve been going through together now wasn’t a dream – they’d do it. And when the time comes when they needed the assurance, they’d have something to support them, in one way or another.


	20. Heated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sick Youji is a dangerous Youji.

Youji is unwell. He always is. It’s been a consistent impression Tetsuo held towards him. He could never stop worrying about him, neither could he ever want to. Eventually, worrying about Youji became something so natural that he’d just do out of his own instinct. It was one of the main reasons why he wanted to move in to stay with Youji as well. He didn’t seem to know how to take care of himself, and he didn’t seem to know even when he was to fall sick.

Youji was a dangerous man. Dangerous to himself, dangerous to Tetsuo too.

And yet, even when he’d expected it to happen sooner or later, he still hated himself for not noticing it sooner when it happened.

It was one morning when he noticed how Youji has been sleeping in for a bit too long than usual that he decided to knock on his door. Five knocks and zero response had him finally opening the door to Youji’s room, just to find Youji cuddling under the blanket, his face pale yet sweating profusely with heavy breathing.

“Sakiyama?”

He came to sit by Youji’s side, pulling the blanket down just ever so slightly to take a better look of his face. Despite the paleness of it, faint tint of pink spread across his cheeks, his mouth slightly opened, his response little. When he pressed a palm against Youji’s forehead, he frowned almost immediately; he’s burning, and nothing of this warmth told him that it’s anything pleasant.

“Sakiyama,” he called again, shaking him slightly. And when Youji finally opened his eyes, teary, he released a relieved breath.

“Shiro… numa…?”

“You’re not feeling well,” Tetsuo commented.

“Oh…” Youji seemed confused; he looked around, as if trying to make sense of things, before he looked at Tetsuo again. “What time is it now?”

“Eleven.”

“Elev– what?!”

Youji sprung up, but immediately lost his balance as he collapsed onto Tetsuo’s shoulder, whom had stretched an arm to support his fall.

“Please just rest for the day.”

“Eleven…” Youji breathed with eyes closed, hot breathing tickled Tetsuo’s neck as he spoke. “Need to…”

“You don’t have to do anything. I’ll call in sick for you.”

Youji seemed like he was about to say something but Tetsuo had kissed him on the forehead, the sudden swarm of comfort acting as a powerful lullaby as its own as he found himself sinking into darkness again, the abrupt action from before seemed to have taken the last ounce of energy away from him.

* * *

“Ah, I see.”

The first thing he did after tucking Youji in was calling Erika, who picked the phone up just within two rings.

“To be honest, I’m not very sure of what kind of sickness You-kun would have. He went to the hospital a few times for check-ups but every time the doctor said it’s only him overworking himself.”

He never heard Youji talking about if he was sick ever. Youji was pale by default, but he seemed perfectly fine at most times. Sometimes he ate little, sometimes his appetite was good. Sometimes he was more tired than usual, sometimes he’s completely fine. Perhaps he was simply physically weaker than him but he’d never considered if he had any lethal sickness that was infecting him from the inside in the long run.

“Maybe it’s just a flu?” Erika asked, noticing the long pause on Tetsuo’s end.

“It seems like it from as much as I can see,” Tetsuo said. “Just want to call to make sure.”

“I understand.” He could hear Erika’s chuckles from the other end of the phone. “But don’t worry too much about it. From the symptoms you described to me, it sounded very much like a flu, indeed. If it doesn’t get better in say… the next 24 hours, perhaps you could bring him to the clinic.”

“What can I do now?”

“Make him food, non-solid ones. Porridge, maybe? Ah, and also, you might want to clean his body for him and check his temperature every hour or so.”

Tetsuo made a mental note to every single thing Erika suggested. Once he thanked her and put down the call, he went into Youji’s room again, with a wet towel in his hand, and sitting by Youji’s bed.

Youji was still sleeping when he entered; with slow, steady breathing, he merely fidgeted a tad when Tetsuo pressed the wet towel against his head, then wiping sweat off his face. As he was about to support him up just so he could wipe his body clean for him, Youji opened his eyes, heavily and quietly.

“Shironuma…?”

“Sorry, did I wake you up?”

“Ah… no… just that, what’s happening?”

“You’re sick,” Tetsuo replied simply. “Must be the rain yesterday.” He should’ve made sure the water in the tub was warm enough when he filled the tub in for Youji yesterday. “It’s not too serious now but you should stay in bed for the rest of the day.”

“Huh? What about work?”

“I’ve called in sick for you.”

“Not mine. Yours. Didn’t you have work tonight?”

Tetsuo paused his motion. Taking the towel off Youji’s face, he cupped a palm against Youji’s face instead, leaning close.

“I can’t go to work when you’re like this.”

Youji’s face turned redder, and he wasn’t sure if it was the fever becoming worse or if it was due to something he’d just said but, deciding to ignore it, he returned to what he was doing before he was interrupted, just to find Youji smiling at him.

“Well, I’ll leave myself to you today then.”

His words did things to him. With the towel still on Youji’s neck, Tetsuo inched towards him, lips finding Youji’s and kissing him tenderly, feeling breath hotter than usual hitting him on his skin as he found his hand wandering to wipe Youji on the neck instead, all the while with their lips locked.

“Shironu– mph!”

Hot breath mingled in between them, the temperature in the room increased significantly with every one of their intimate action. Catching sight of Youji being fragile was a lethal seduction to Tetsuo. Before he knew it, he was completely engrossed by Youji’s heat, and despite his good intention to ease Youji’s suffering as much as he could, his instinctual reaction wasn’t one he could ignore either.

“W-wait,” Youji pushed against Tetsuo when Tetsuo slipped one hand under his shirt. “I’m sick.”

“I know.”

“I have flu. Fever.”

“Yeah.”

“You shouldn’t be– ugh, touching me.”

Tetsuo’s fingers caressed the thin skin of Youji’s chest, feeling the mild warm spread on his own palm.

“Why?”

“I’ll spread it to you.”

“It’s fine.”

“It’s not,” Youji retorted.

Truth be told, Tetsuo was more than happy to take over Youji being the sick one but he wasn’t one to say it out loud, knowing how Youji would be against the idea. In any way, even if he was to fall sick, he was sure that he’d recover in no time thanks to his self-recovery ability. But it’d make Youji feel bad and making Youji feel bad was the last thing he ever wanted to do.

Yet…  _yet_ , asking him to refrain himself from touching Youji when the entire existence of Youji was vibrating of nothing but thick arousal wasn’t something even a strong-willed person like Tetsuo could do. He nipped gently against Youji’s fair neck, licking the salty taste of his skin that was a mixture of sweat and the scent of Youji before he pulled himself unwillingly away.

Going further would only put more strain onto Youji’s already weak body. And despite feeling embarrassed for recognizing it, pushing himself onto Youji in such way would only make it look like he was taking advantage of Youji.

He planted one soft kiss on Youji’s forehead before he withdrew himself completely, then said,

“Next time.”

It left Youji in a state of daze. With wide eyes, all Youji could do was stare and allow Tetsuo to clean his body for him, tuck him to sleep again, then watch his disappearing back as he muttered something about making porridge for him.

He turned to his side, chuckling softly. He’d need more time to figure Tetsuo out but he thought he’d gotten the hang of it by now.

He can’t wait to get better soon now that they’d promised each other something so anticipating for later.


	21. Spice It Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tetsuo would tolerate anything for Youji.

Tetsuo was the reason why he’d come to pay more attention to food. When he was still in high school, food was never part of his concern. He was rarely hungry, and he could never understand how Makoto was able to eat so much all the time. For him, food was just… food. His dining experience was far better when Erika stayed with him, though. She was also the reason why he loved his favourite food now, and also the reason why his spicy tolerance was high, even though he deemed that to be normal.

It was when Tetsuo first tasted his homemade curry that he noticed that it was…  _not_  normal at all.

Tetsuo had been filling in hours for a few days in a row and, as a compassionate partner, he thought he could at least do something to thank him for working hard. In any case, the long hours of consideration – even resulting in Tetsuo knocking on the bathroom door asking if he was okay after an hour of not hearing anything from him – had him coming to the conclusion of making good food for his boyfriend, a comfort to both his mind and his stomach.

Needless to say, Tetsuo was surprised when he walked into the house smelling of thick curry scent. He smiled, asking Youji if that was the reason he’d made him run errands for him, and thanked him after Youji told him that it’s nothing.

He knew it wasn’t nothing for Tetsuo but he wasn’t going to just stand around and not doing anything when Tetsuo was wearing that playful-looking expression on his face. He looked away in lightning speed, already feeling pressure on his chest when he finally served the curry on the dining table.

“How was it?” he asked fretfully, staring as Tetsuo took in his first mouthful.

Tetsuo’s face was calm, dismissive, his eyes empty, the spoon still in his mouth before Youji noticed sweat dribbling down his cheek.

“Huh? Is it very hot?” he stood up, walking over to where the switch was and turned the speed of the fan higher. When he came back, Tetsuo was nowhere to be seen, just for him to find him in the kitchen, drowning glasses after glasses of water down his throat.

“W-wait, is it too spicy?!”

Tetsuo nodded, and was about to fill another glass of water before Youji stopped him.

“No, wait, drinking water will only make it worse,” he advised. “Eat the rice, without the curry!”

Tetsuo did as he was told and soon after, he slumped, back leaning against the chair as he released a long breath.

“It’s not your fault,” he said at long last, voice hoarse. “I cannot take spicy food myself.”

“Ah… no,” Youji responded awkwardly. “I’ve been told that my tolerance level isn’t normal.”

Tetsuo fell silent; he didn’t seem like he knew what to say at all. And, in an attempt to soothe the tension between them, Youji quickly said,

“I’ll keep this in mind, though! But, now that I think about it… I don’t think I ever know what you like to eat…?”

Tetsuo merely gave him a fleeting sideway look.

“I’m fine with anything.”

“You’re definitely not fine with that curry, though…”

“If you hadn’t stopped me, I’d finish everything either way.”

He knew Tetsuo would but he wasn’t going to risk having Tetsuo in the toilet for the rest of the night after that.

“Maybe… something sweet,” Tetsuo said at long last. He must have noticed the difficult face Youji was making.

“Something sweet?”

Tetsuo nodded.

“Like… cakes and sweet?”

Tetsuo tilted his head. 

“Doesn’t necessary have to be those. Anything sweet is fine with me. Curry can be sweet too.”

Oh, he’s right. All Youji need to do was to readjust his recipe.

“Would you mind if I try again tomorrow?” he asked. Tetsuo responded with a smile, then a kiss on his own lips, a powerful sign of agreement.

* * *

The next day, Tetsuo sat on the dining room again, all the while had his eyes fixed on Youji’s shadow in the kitchen. As promised, Youji would attempt his curry – for the second time. For Tetsuo, it really didn’t matter if it was too spicy again. He’d eat everything and anything Youji were to make. But he also knew that stopping him from doing so would only send a critical hit to his pride so he simply let Youji do whatever he wanted to do. 

Then, at long last, Youji walked out of the kitchen, the pot of curry in his hand as he placed it on the dining table.

“I think it should be okay now,” he mumbled. Tetsuo helped him with the serving and, finally, they were both seated on the dining table, all ready to dig in.

“I’ve tasted it myself, but to be honest, I couldn’t be perfectly certain that it works for you.”

“It’ll be fine,” Tetsuo reassured. Scooping one spoonful of the food, he brought it to his mouth, with Youji staring nervously at him all the while.

“H-how is it?”

It was definitely not as spicy as how it was yesterday, but still… spicy. 

“Fine,” Tetsuo mumbled.

“Really?”

As if to demonstrate his point, Tetsuo took in another spoonful and, surprisingly, the more he ate, the more he seemed to be getting used to it. Then, without him realizing it himself, he’d finished up the first plate of his food, all ready for a second helping.

“Seems like it’s really okay,” Youji smiled contentedly, finally starting on his own food.

To be completely honest, Tetsuo had no idea if him being able to endure the spiciness of Youji’s cooking was due to the fact that Youji had really toned down a lot of the spiciness to his cooking or it was thanks to how Tetsuo had told himself that no matter how it turned out to be, he’d take every drop of his food in without showing any signs of struggle. 

Perhaps it was both; but all that he knew was that staying with Youji had perhaps, opened up a new door for him, and maybe, many more to come.


	22. Guardian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Company changes everything.

When he told Erika about Tetsuo wanting to move into his house, all Erika did was giving him a gentle smile, a reaction Youji hadn’t been expecting. The vacant room in his house was once Erika’s, until when she moved out that it became a store room. He thought he should at least ask Erika’s permission before he invited another man into the house but Erika gave him nothing but a smile, then several nods, before he finally broke the question.

“Is it really okay?”

“Of course, You-kun is free to invite anyone you want to stay with you.”

“Even if he’s a stranger?”

Erika’s eyes widened. “Tetsuo-kun is not a stranger, is he?”

Youji looked away, awkward. He’d never told Erika explicitly of what kind of relationship he was sharing with Tetsuo but it seemed like Erika had everything figured out by herself anyway.

“As long as you invite me over to have dinner once a while, I’m fine with anything,” Erika reassured.

So that was how it was. Keeping to his promise, Youji brought up the intention to invite Erika over for dinner one day after they were done with cleaning up and when they lounging in the comfortable space of their living room.

Tetsuo’s reaction was minimal but it was enough for Youji to tell how cold sweat just formed on his back and how he must have thousands of ‘what to dos’ pandering in his mind.

“It shouldn’t be too much of a problem,” Youji reassured. “Just a simple dinner would do… I guess.”

But both of them knew that it wasn’t what they were going to  _eat_  that was clenching their guts from the inside, but what they were going to  _talk_  about that was having both of them to stare into the space, blanking out.

It wasn’t as if Tetsuo hadn’t seen Erika before anyway. He remembered bringing her around the school when she dropped by their school festival during the first time he met her. She looked very much like Youji, and when she smiled, he could clearly see Youji’s shadow on her face, one that resonated very much to Youji’s own smile. 

She was definitely not someone difficult to handle but…

“I’ll prepare the materials,” Tetsuo said at long last. 

Youji nodded. Nothing was bad. It was just a dinner.

But as soon as they came to the very night, when the sound of doorbell resonated in their house, both of them froze in their actions, looking at each other before Youji hurried to get the door.

“You-kun!” Erika smiled widely. “I brought Yuuji with me.”

“Ah, hello!” Youji smiled at the baby. He was only two years old but Youji could already clearly see the resemblance of his sister in him. “Please come in.”

“Am I too early?” Erika wondered out loud as she walked into the house when Tetsuo walked out of the kitchen. “Tetsuo-kun! It’s nice to see you again.”

“Nice to see you too.”

“Has our You-kun been treating you well?”

Tetsuo lifted a small smile. “Sakiyama has always been treating me well.”

“Sakiyama?”

“Ahhhhh please have a sit, we’ll fetch the food,” Youji interrupted as he escorted Erika to sit on the dining table.

“Please take your time,” Erika said with a smile, adjusting the position of the two-year-old on her lap at the same time. “We’re not starving.”

With a nod, Youji pushed Tetsuo into the kitchen, then releasing a relieved breath.

“Did I say something wrong?” Tetsuo asked, taking off his apron as he did.

“No, not at all,” Youji hurriedly clarified. “I… well, my sister could be pretty straightforward at times.”

Tetsuo couldn’t understand what exactly did that mean but he decided to put it aside, shifting his attention to the counter instead. 

“Everything’s done, we just need to bring them out.”

“Sure,” Youji said.

Erika was not difficult to deal with at all. From first impression, Tetsuo could already tell how considerate she was as a person, and how she’d always find ways to strike a conversation whenever the table was too quiet. She felt like an opposite of Youji yet similarly so. And while Youji and Erika spoke to each other, Tetsuo merely munched quietly on his own meal, infrequently feeding Yuuji and only came back to himself when he found Erika smiling at him.

“He seems to like you a lot,” Erika commented, patting Yuuji on the head.

Tetsuo perked a curious eyebrow. 

“I’d need to bring him over more frequently then,” Erika continued. “Or, both of you could come and visit us sometimes too, you know?”

“Sure,” Tetsuo said, unsure of how to respond. “We’ll find time to do so.”

“That’s great! Do you have any idea how many times I’d asked You-kun to drop by but he’d never once done so?”

Tetsuo looked at Youji briefly, finding him averting both of their gazes, then responded,

“He must have his reasons.”

“Of course,” Erika agreed. “He’s always been a worrywart, after all.”

They sat in the living room after they were done with dinner, simply updating each other about life, while Tetsuo spent most of his time playing with Yuuji. It was about nine at night that Erika decided to make her leave. Reminding them about what they’d promised about dropping by, she waved and made her way down to the street, where her husband was waiting to pick her up.

The house returned to its usual silence with the sound of closing door. Then, Youji collapsed on the couch, sighing loudly.

“I’ve never thought that eating with my sister would be so stressful.”

“You’re thinking too much,” Tetsuo said, sitting by his side.

“You feel the same too, don’t you?”

“A bit,” Tetsuo admitted. “But it got better.”

Youji looked at him, amazed, but was soon to break into a chuckle.

“And you seem to be getting along very well with Yuuji, too. I wonder who said he’s bad with babies the last time?”

Tetsuo didn’t respond, but Youji knew that was only because of how he was feeling conflicted himself.

“Well, you only need more experiences. Also, now that you’ve done it yourself, you know that they won’t spoil, so you don’t need to be afraid of dealing with them.”

With that said, he placed a hand onto Tetsuo’s, gripping it.

“These hands of yours would never destroy anything.”

Tetsuo closed his eyes in response, a small curve formed on the corners of his lips.

Youji had taught him a lot of things – Youji had exposed him to things that he never thought he’d be capable of. He’d told him that his abnormality wasn’t a mean for destruction, but it was a mean to protect as well.

And he’d never miss the chance to remind him again; even if it made him sound like a broken record.


	23. Live & Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s more responsibilities to shoulder when it comes to taking care of living things, even though they don’t move.

He never had a garden. Youji was  _certain_  of that. He never had space for that. The most that he could ever manage was an aquarium and that’s about it. But he knew Tetsuo had a garden. On the many times he’d visited Tetsuo’s parents’ house, they’d always find themselves sitting in the garden, doing nothing but chatting around. He used to wish that he had a place like this himself in his own place. But it was a futile wish. He had no plans to move out, nor did he have any funds to do so. Besides, he was very much comfortable with his own house now; size just nice, and he had everything he needed all in one space.

That was why he stared in surprise when he found an empty pot on the dining room table, alongside a packet of what seemed to be garden soil before he shifted his curiousity at Tetsuo, who was putting on what seemed to be a gardening glove, totally unaware of Youji’s attention.

“Erm… Shironuma?”

“Hm?” Tetsuo mumbled, which sounded too much like a grunt with one of the gloves in between his lips.

“What… are these for?” Youji asked, pointing at the stuff on the table.

Tetsuo put on the remaining of his glove and walked towards the table, where Youji was standing before he took both the pot and the packet of soil into his hands.

“Gardening materials.”

“E-eh?”

He never had a garden.

He was sure of it.

“For your house?” he asked, just to make sure.

Tetsuo perked a curious eyebrow, staring at Youji for one brief moment before he nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Ah, I see,” Youji said, a sound of relief. “I didn’t know you also do this kind of things.”

“I thought it’s about time for some plants in the house.”

Didn’t his house already have a lot of plants, though…?

Is this some kind of gardening ethics that Youji never knew? 

Regardless, he asked no further, walking into the room to change for work and when he came out, Tetsuo was already nowhere to be seen. Assuming that he’d gone home, Youji shook his head with a smile, adjusting his bag on his shoulder and left the house.

* * *

Tetsuo picked him up as usual at the end of his shift. Leaning and waiting at his usual spot, he greeted Tetsuo with a wave of hand as they took the usual path back home. It’d become a habit of them to hold each other in their hands as they walked, the street quiet enough for them to enjoy the peaceful stroll. They were merely speaking, talking about their day, when a bicycle rushed past Tetsuo, causing Youji to grasp him harder and pull him back, just to avoid the impact.

“That was close,” he said, staring at the disappearing bicycle as it turned a corner. “Seriously, people need to be more careful when they’re cycling on a walkway.”

Tetsuo, however, hitched a breath before he quickly lifted a trifling smile, even though he wasn’t quick enough to hide it from Youji.

“Huh? What’s the matter?”

Tetsuo’s smile disappeared in an instane. Without waiting for a response, Youji picked his hand up, finding tiny puckered holes on his fingers.

“What is this?” he asked, squinting to look at them further.

“It’s nothing.”

“Hmmm…” Youji narrowed his eyes, clearly suspicious. 

“Just accidentally pricking myself when I fixed some clothes today.”

“Oh,” Youji said. He didn’t have to hide that from him, though. With a bitter smile, he patted Tetsuo on the head, holding his hand in his again as they continued walking.

Now that he mentioned it, he’d never paid close attention to it before but Tetsuo’s hand seemed to be rougher than he initially thought. He rubbed a thumb against the back of it, feeling the coarse skin texture, and wondered if it ever crossed Tetsuo’s mind when it came to this kind of thing.

Was he being too sensitive? Was it weird?

He shook his head a tad. He loved Tetsuo’s hands. They were big, albeit rough, but they always gave him a sense of security he never thought he needed. When they held hands like this, Tetsuo would always grip his hand in the warmest, most snuggly way that Youji wasn’t even sure if he could manage himself. 

As he pondered, they’d come to stand in front of their apartment. Tetsuo pushed the door open as they walked in, with Youji putting his bag in one corner of the room before he strode towards the dining room, about to drink a cup of water when he saw something on the table that wasn’t there when he left in the morning.

It was a pot of cactus. The pot looked strangely familiar, though. Totally abandoning the idea for a cup of water, he came close to the pot of plant, inching towards it to catch a good glimpse of it.

“Shironuma?” he called. Tetsuo came in almost immediately, eyes brightening when he noticed what Youji was staring at.

“Where does this come from?” Youji asked, eyes still fixed on the plant.

“I planted it.”

“Huh?” Was it even possible to plant a cactus?

“This morning,” Tetsuo added, assuming that it was the question Youji was about to ask.

He remembered. The pot on the table, the packet of gardening soil, Tetsuo with his pair of gardening gloves. But…

“I thought you’re going home for gardening!” he gaped.

“This is my home,” Tetsuo explained. “I’m planting here.”

“Did you seriously plant this?” Youji asked again, eyeing suspiciously at the cactus.

Tetsuo paused for a moment, exchanging quiet yet intense gaze with Youji before he heaved a sigh. 

“I wanted to plant orchids, but somehow, it didn’t work.”

“So you went out and buy this… cactus.”

“It’d be a waste if we don’t use the pot.”

“Why… cactus, though? Wait, so the holes on your hand…”

Tetsuo looked away. There was a long stretched of silent moment in between them before Youji burst out laughing. Walking towards Tetsuo, he ruffled him on the hair, still laughing.

“I don’t know what to do with you, seriously. I didn’t know you want a plant in the house.”

He must have not used to  _not_  having plants in the house, since he was familiar with having green surrounding and nature path to step on when he was still staying with his parents.

“Just thought a plant would give a better air.”

Tetsuo wasn’t looking at him when he said that but Youji didn’t need him too. With another chuckle, he tiptoed, enough to kiss Tetsuo on the cheek before he said,

“Well, now we have another responsibility to handle.”

“Cactus is… easy to manage.”

He didn’t even want to consider if that was the reason why he’d chosen a cactus, out of every other plant.

And just like that, they added more living vibe into the house, the way Youji would never expect less from Tetsuo.


	24. Slow Movement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes walking your pet has other benefits.

None of them knew how to take care of a cat. They both had their fair amount of studies; both of them knew the basics to it. Yet, they were still undoubtedly struggling when it came to the right treatment over what they were supposed to do. But they’re still learning; like raising a child, they found delight in discovering the smallest thing, in finding out how cats were sometimes like humans, reacting in ways they thought weren’t possible.

One of the greatest delights that had brought them into a lifestyle that was very much different from the one they had been living on was walking the cat, something they didn’t know would be one activity that they’d come to enjoy. They took turns, and today, it’s Tetsuo’s turn, who decided to take their new tiny family member out for some fresh air before he went off to pick Youji up from where he worked.

The park was only a ten-minute walk away from where they lived. The road leading there was peaceful and quiet; most of the residents in their area seemed to be busy with their daily errands at the time Tetsuo was walking the cat. He’d been to the park numerous times, at this hour, when the park was still home to the cat. It was less noisy, less people, yet breezy still the same. 

He sat on the bench, watched the cat rolling around piles of dried leaves and running around as he sank into his own thoughts. Quiet times like this meant louder echoes in his head. There was nothing he’d complain about how things were now. If any, his only concern was how to make everything better than it already was. He stared unconsciously at his palm, wondering about his own abilities, when he felt someone sitting by his side.

“Alone?”

When he looked around, it was an old man, likely to be in his eighties, staring at the cat as he spoke to Tetsuo.

“Good day,” Tetsuo responded out of courteous. 

“It’s rare to see a young man like yourself here on a day like this. Lost your job?”

“Not really,” Tetsuo said. “My job starts at night.”

“I see,” the old man responded. “Is that your pet?”

Tetsuo nodded.

“It’s even rarer to see a man like yourself walking a pet by yourself.”

“I’m the only person around at the moment.”

“Oh, you live with someone else?”

“Yeah, a… friend.”

The old man paused then. When Tetsuo looked around again, he found the old man’s gaze on him, clearly spelling of suspicions.

“A friend, I see.”

He felt bad labelling Youji as a friend but he wasn’t sure if it’d be appropriate to tell too much to a stranger as well.

“An important friend,” he added, just in case.

The old man laughed then, taking Tetsuo by surprise.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to explain too much. But,” the old man narrowed his eyes, as if scanning Tetsuo from the inside out. “you look happy, indeed.”

He could even tell from that?

Tetsuo looked away, awkward. He couldn’t tell if he was showing a happy mien but he thought there must be other ways for people to see it; ways that he wasn’t aware of.

“Just hoping the other person is happy too.”’

“You just need to let things happen.”

“Sometimes, I feel like it’s not enough.”

“Hm?”

“Like, I’m not doing enough.”

“I’m sure the other person doesn’t think that way, though.”

He fell into silence. Now that he thought about it, Youji had never once expressed any sort of dissatisfaction towards him, indeed. Perhaps if he was to count that time when he stubbed his toe without telling him but then it’s probably another sort of dissatisfaction that’s different from what he had in his mind. 

“I hope so,” he could only say.

“Well, I bet you can figure out something soon, young man,” the old man patted him roughly on his shoulder before he stood up, causing Tetsuo to stand at the same time.

“I’ll send you home,” he quickly offered.

“It’s fine,” the old man waved a hand. “You have to pick your friend up later, don’t you?”

Tetsuo stared in surprised. He was certain that he hadn’t mentioned anything about picking Youji up later. 

For a long time, he merely stared at the disappearing back of the old man before he came back to himself, hushing the cat back and preparing to walk his way home.

* * *

“Ah, you’re here again.”

As he leaned against the wall, pondering about what had happened on that day, Youji had walked out of the store, tapping him on the shoulder.

“You seem distracted, did something happen?”

Tetsuo shook his head. Intertwining his fingers with Youji’s, they started walking.  

He couldn’t quite get what the old man was trying to tell him. But, as he held Youji in his hand, he felt as if he had come to understand it a bit better.

Maybe Youji would give him the answer across time.

And he definitely look forward to when the time came.


	25. Fixed It!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you need more than a pair of hands to fix the smallest things in life.

[He’d known about what Tetsuo was planning to do with the toolbox he bought just the other day](http://shinocchidesu.net/post/160466870009/small-membersweet-pool-ficlet). But he never knew that the lights in the living room was way too dimmed; and somehow, it shed light to why Tetsuo had been squinting whenever he walked into the space, alongside the many times he’d accidentally stubbed his toe on the corner of the couch, making a face that Youji had never seen before in his entire life, then only realizing what has happened when he found Tetsuo unconsciously rubbing against his toe when they sat together. It concerned Youji to if Tetsuo could properly tell if he was in pain but it seemed like a bigger concern for Tetsuo was something more practical.

When he told Youji that he wanted to fix the light in the living room, Youji merely nodded, unsure if Tetsuo even knew how to do it. But Tetsuo had been playing the family man role to his best, proven when Youji found his notes of light-bulb fixing on his bed, then the toolbox in his hands when he got back from shopping.

Finally, one evening when he got home from his part-time job, he found a small ladder leaning against the wall the moment he stepped into the space, and a Tetsuo, with his glasses on, sitting on the couch, reading all the notes he’d made thus far.

“Do you need help?” he asked, putting his bag on the couch and leaning over to look at what Tetsuo was reading.

“I think I’ve got it,” was all Tetsuo said before he stood up, kept the notes away and started heaving the ladder, placing it under the light bulb. 

“W-wait a minute,” Youji voiced out. “Don’t you think the ladder is too small? Can it support your weight?”

“Hmmm,” Tetsuo pondered, gaze shifting from the ladder to the lightbulb, then to Youji. “Maybe.”

No, that’s not a safe answer at all. 

“I can do it,” Youji said. 

“You won’t be able to reach the light bulb.”

He was certain that Tetsuo wasn’t teasing at how smaller-sized he was; it was definitely because of the size of the ladder. But he couldn’t risk having Tetsuo to injure himself; what if he fell? 

“Are you sure it’s okay?” he asked again, just to make sure. 

“Could you look after me while I’m at it?” Tetsuo asked, rolling his sleeves up and positioning the ladder on the right spot again.

“Erm, sure, I can do that at the very least.” How, was the next question. But as soon as Tetsuo climbed onto the ladder, his body worked on its own instinct, leaping forward to hold onto the ladder, feeling cold sweat on his back when the ladder strained under Tetsuo’s weight. 

He looked up, overwhelmed by the size of Tetsuo’s physique, and quickly looked away, eyes fell upon the legs of the ladder instead. It was trembling slightly, every so often, when Tetsuo did as much as move a tad. He was sure that Tetsuo was way heavier than the ladder and he feared that if he was to let go, it might lose its balance and causing Tetsuo to fall.

He gripped onto the ladder as hard as he could, as if his entire life depended on it.

“Sakiyama,” Tetsuo called from above.

“Yeah?” he answered, finding a quiver in his voice.

“Can you pass me the screwdriver?”

He stared up in horror; Tetsuo was pointing at the table, two feet away from where they were, the screwdriver laid in the toolbox.

How exactly was he going to do that? The only possible way was to let one of his grips go and stretch…

He took a deep breath and, with Tetsuo still staring at him, he extended a trembling hand, tips of his fingers almost touching the table when he felt a hard shake from the ladder.

He withdrew his hand as quick as lightning.

“What’s the matter?” Tetsuo asked, noticing Youji’s abnormal reaction.

“You’ll fall if I let go! Even if it’s just one hand!”

“But who will fetch the screwdriver now?”

They were stuck. 

“I won’t fall,” Tetsuo reassured. “I can balance myself well.”

“But,  _what if_?”

“I’ll land on the couch.”

“That’s not helping, you know…”

For some time, they merely stood frozen on the spot, until when Tetsuo spoke again, this time, with a solution.

“Where’s the cat?”

“In the kitchen, I think… no, wait, it’s here now.”

The black cat they’d adopted came into their line of vision as they spoke, looking at them as if curious of what they were doing, purring, then sitting by the ladder.

“Ah,” Youji released a small breath, finally understanding what Tetsuo was implying.

He could see Tetsuo elevating a small smile from above him and, nodding at him, he stroked the cat’s head with a hand, then crouching forward to speak to it.

“I don’t know if you could understand this but, can you get us the screwdriver from that box?” he directed, a finger pointing at the box, seeing the cat looking at where he was pointing. “It’s long and… the tip is sharp, hmmm.”

Before he could finish describing how a screwdriver looked like, the cat had stood, nuzzling its cheek against Youji’s hand, then walked towards the toolbox.   
Both Tetsuo and Youji stared in anticipation when the cat dived its head into the box, fumbling around, causing a few screws to fall out in the process, and both of them heaved a relieved sigh when it came back – with the screwdriver in its mouth.

“Thank you!” Youji grinned. “What a smart cat.”

He passed the screwdriver to Tetsuo, who resumed doing what he was doing, while he patted the cat on the head, all the while watching Tetsuo work.

“Done,” Tetsuo said after what seemed to be minutes later. “I’m coming down now.”

He released his grip on the legs of the ladder, slowly and cautiously, as Tetsuo took his steps down. He was almost hitting the ground when he missed the last step, having Youji to hitch a breath of terror before he launched forward to grab onto Tetsuo, his weight too overwhelming and causing both of them to trip and collapse on the couch.

“Woah, that was close!” he breathed.

“Told you I’d fall on the couch.”

“And on me,” Youji glowered.

Tetsuo smiled. “I’m lucky that you’re around.”

They continued lounging on the couch after that, merely staring at the fixed light-bulb and exchanging intermittent chuckles.

Well, this is perhaps what people would call it – the small moment of living together.


	26. Warm &  Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How does one define warm and cold?

He sighed as he peered out of the window. The entire day had been consistently dark and overcast; Tetsuo had mindfully reminded him to bring his umbrella before he left and he was lucky to even find himself still dry when he arrived at the convenience store. He’d expected it to rain when he was on his way, but the sky remained dark, threatening to pour anytime – even until now. 

He was certain that he’d encounter a heavy downpour and soon enough, the moment he bid the shop owner goodbye, rain began to fall so thickly and gotten his body and clothing drenched in the next second. 

He was thankful that he’d stopped Tetsuo from coming to pick him up, requesting him to run some errands for him instead. 

Somehow, he managed to fight pass the horrid situation, though still finding himself wet from head to toe and cold when he opened the door to their apartment.

“I’m home,” he heaved a profound sigh. 

“Welcome home.” Tetsuo came greeting him as soon as he heard his voice with a towel in his hand. “I’ve prepared the bath.”

“Thank you, that helps a lot,” Youji smiled. A bath healed everything; it always did.

 

When he came out from the bath, dinner was already served on the table while Tetsuo fed the kitten, stroking its head at the same time. Upon seeing Youji, he stood, taking the towel off Youji’s head and started drying it up for him.

“Hey, I can do it myself!” Youji struggled, but allowed Tetsuo to continue with whatever he was doing, all the with Youji bearing a pout on his face as he averted Tetsuo’s gaze.

“Careful not to catch a cold,” Tetsuo said.

“I’m fine,” Youji retorted.

“That’s good then,” Tetsuo responded with a smile. 

As usual, dinner was over-the-top good; Youji knew that Tetsuo had been calling home to seek for his mother’s advice when it came to preparing food but it wasn’t like he wasn’t doing anything either. Many times, he’d call Erika as well, and frequently, he’d find himself lessening the spiciness in the food he made just to adapt to Tetsuo’s taste-bud. He remembered the first time when Tetsuo had tasted the curry rice he made for them, which had caused him to find him in the toilet for the entire night later. He never knew that Tetsuo’s tolerance for spicy food was low and since then, he’d been taking care of the extremeness of it, despite the many times Tetsuo was to tell him that it’s totally fine.

“Are you working tonight?” he asked at the dining table, grabbing one piece of beef from the beef stew and munching on it.

“Not tonight,” Tetsuo replied briefly. “I’m filling in for tomorrow’s hours instead.”

“I see.” That’s good then, he wouldn’t need to face the turbulence outside of the house.

“I might want to turn in earlier today,” Youji said, cleaning up his meal and standing up. “It’s been a tiring day.”

Tetsuo hummed in response, a sign of acknowledgement. While they cleaned the dishes, he spoke out, almost causing Youji to drop the bowls into the sink.

“Can we sleep together tonight?”

“What?!”

“It’s raining. The weather forecast mentioned that there might be a thunderstorm later.”

Wait. Wait a minute. Could this be…?

“I’m fine with it,” Youji said, trying hard not to laugh. 

“Okay.”

Tetsuo wore a dismissive expression the entire time he spoke, and Youji couldn’t help but tease him inwardly. It’s amusing to know that a man as huge as Tetsuo would come to be afraid of something like a thunderstorm. But then again, Tetsuo’s upfront self of expressing what he needed had been a form of improvement across time. A good sign, definitely.

Once they were done with cleaning up, they retreated into Tetsuo’s room, where Youji cocooned under the blanket almost immediately, finding Tetsuo coming to lie next to him after just a few moments.

“Don’t worry. I might be asleep but I’ll be here,” he murmured with eyes closed. It was an exhausting day, but he felt this sense of responsibility to comfort Tetsuo when he’d outwardly requested to sleep with him.

Tetsuo responded by hugging him, which he returned. From the outside of their window, they could hear the bellowing of wind and the rolling boom of thunder. The window glasses rattled, as if they were going to be smashed into pieces anytime now. Tetsuo’s steady heartbeats were like a lulling lullaby, luring him to sleep. His embrace warm, like a comfortable cocoon, his arms covering the entire of his body, a hand against his head, pressing against the crook of his neck.

The chilliness from before felt like an illusion as he was engulfed in the warmth that Tetsuo was giving him now. He sighed contentedly upon finding comfort, and, just when he was about to fall asleep, he heard a loud sound from outside the window – assuming it to be the storm – and finding a hand covering his ear right after.

“It’s okay, I’m here.”

He snapped his eyes open, sleepiness gone. That was… He was sure that he’d heard Tetsuo say something just now. He tilted his head up, trying to catch Tetsuo’s expression but the room was dark and all that he could see was Tetsuo closing his eyes, breathing slowly, as if trying to sleep himself.

If he didn’t hear it wrong… he might have misunderstood the intention of Tetsuo wanting to sleep with him tonight. It’s not because of him being afraid of the thunderstorm but it was out of the intention to keep  _Youji_ safe and be by his side when the weather was growling at them from outside their window.

For a long time, he could only stare at Tetsuo’s sleeping mien, his own heartbeats now louder than Tetsuo’s. He couldn’t stop smiling.

They might’ve retreated for an early night today but it still didn’t stop them to be able to spend more time together, albeit in a different way.


	27. Small Member

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s no size limit to how you can join the Sakiyama household.

[He never asked what happened to the cat Tetsuo picked up the a few nights before](http://shinocchidesu.net/post/160260223349/whos-the-strangersweet-pool-ficlet). In fact, he’d completely forgotten about it until when he was on his free day, taking the initiative to clean the house, and sweeping around the corners of the room that it occurred to him. He vaguely remembered Tetsuo mentioning that he’d like to adopt the cat. Truth to be told, he had absolutely no objections towards whatever Tetsuo wanted to do. He loved animals himself, and the only reason why he hadn’t been adopting one himself was because of the lack of time for such commitment.

But with Tetsuo staying with him now, things could be different.

He searched around the house, cleaning as he did, wondering if Tetsuo had given up adopting it when he found no trails of a small animal. Until when he swept under Tetsuo’s bed that he hitched a breath, finally finding what he was looking for.

Under Tetsuo’s bed were crumbs of what seemed to be cat food; he swept them all out, wanting to have a closer look, when he heard the sound of door closing reverberating from the front hall.

“I’m back,” Tetsuo said, standing at the door, perking a curious eyebrow at Youji’s posture, who was kneeling on the floor, his head bent down, and bearing an expression as if he’d been caught red handed.

“Welcome back,” he quickly stood up. “Found what you wanted?”

“Yeah,” Tetsuo responded as he held up the bag of what seemed to be a toolbox and a few packets of small accessories. “Do you need help?”

“Huh? Ah, no, it’s fine, I’m done cleaning your room,” Youji replied awkwardly.

Tetsuo merely stared. Then, he left after a few seconds, leaving Youji to return his gaze to under the bed again, the same question swam in his head, unanswered.

He found Tetsuo unpacking the stuff he’d bought when he walked out of his room. Walking towards him, he looked, trying to see if there’s anything that he could do to help, yet finding himself distracted every so often with the same question still wandering in his head.

“Do you have something to ask me?” Tetsuo broke the silence, catching him off guard. When Youji came back to himself, he realized that Tetsuo had done lining everything up, now staring at him with a curious gaze.

Well, if this is the case…

“You mentioned about adopting the cat we found in front of our door a few nights back, right?”

Tetsuo hummed, averting Youji’s gaze.

“Did you… take it in?” Youji pressed, trying to figure out the answer from Tetsuo’s dismissive gaze.

Tetsuo took a while to respond. When he did, it was accompanied by a small sigh.

“I found a spot in the park and set up a temporary place for it to stay.”

“Eh?” The park?

“It should be safe for now. I check on it every day.”

…Wait.

“You mean to say… the cat stayed in the park, since… that night?”

Tetsuo nodded. Returning his gaze to Youji, he continued,

“It’s quite cozy. I found a big box, and I also made sure that no one can access to where it’s staying right now.”

…Wait.

Does that mean that… Tetsuo had built the cat a house in the park – a public area?

Youji gaped, staring at Tetsuo in disbelief. Then, as the truth sank into him, he shook his head, hurrying into his room to grab a jacket and gripping onto Tetsuo’s wrist.

“Let’s go.”

“Where are we going?”

“To the park.”

* * *

The park was filled with families and children when they walked into it. Nudging against Tetsuo’s elbow, Youji pointed into the park with his chin, signalling him to show him where he kept the kitten. Still confused as to what Youji was planning to do, Tetsuo did as he was told, walking in front, along a path scattered with dried, fallen leaves, and stopping at a deep corner of the park, where a small hut made out of cardboards could be seen leaning against the bark of a big tree.

Youji crouched, peeking into the hut, eyes brightening the moment he saw what he was looking for. Inside the hut was a small box, shredded cloths laid the floor of it, and right in the middle of the box was a tiny, black cat, curling up and sleeping, its breathing slow and calm. The hut protected the cat from the sun, but Youji couldn’t say the same if it was to rain. He looked up at Tetsuo, who was wearing a puzzled look, then stood.

“We’re taking it home,” Youji said.

Tetsuo perked a curious eyebrow.

“You don’t intend to keep it here forever, do you?”

“Well,” Tetsuo said, calmly, considering. “If that’s the least I can do.”

“That’s definitely  _not_  the least you can do,” Youji retorted. “I thought you’re going to let it stay in our house.”

All Tetsuo did was staring at Youji, as if asking a question Youji couldn’t read.

Did he not tell him that he was fine with it? He recalled his memories from a few days back, and it was then that it occurred to him that he never did say anything about him being okay to adopt a cat into the house.

Could it be… that this is his fault after all?

He should’ve known that Tetsuo did not understand things as how normal people did. So perhaps… he should’ve told him clearly since the beginning.

“We’re adopting the cat,” he repeated. With a smile, he reached out to grasp Tetsuo’s hand, urging him to join him on the ground. “But for now, let’s look after it first. I’d feel bad waking it up.”

Tetsuo lifted a trivial smile, the gentle light in his eyes all the more prominent when he fixed his gaze on the cat, as if looking after it in its sleep.

Perhaps now, there’s no need for Tetsuo to hide the cat food under his bed anymore.

And perhaps now, they could feed the cat together, without having Tetsuo to sneak out of the house everyday just to check on it.

Because now, they’d be looking after the new member of the family. Together.


	28. Small Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having a small bed has, surprisingly, its own benefits.

It was hard for him to imagine how wanting someone would feel like. He was more than contented to just have someone close by his side, in a distance which he could see, so that he could always be there when they needed someone. He never knew how it felt like to want to touch someone, to want to just hold them in his arms, just feeling their warmth, their slow breathing, and the sound of their heartbeats.

Slowly, a gentle indulgence. Nothing more than that.

Sakiyama Youji changed it for him. He changed  _everything_  Tetsuo could ever put his thoughts on. Youji had shown him the extent of fervour he could bring himself to be engulfed in. He’d told him how wanting someone really felt like; not just the skin-against-skin contact, but the mere gratification when souls were connected, when physical bodies were merely vessels for them to reach out to each other better.

He never knew that he could ever possess such feelings, such indulgence, such contentment.

He never knew that he could yearn for Youji more than he already was.

One simple touch was all he needed to find his composure being thrown out of the window, one gentle yet heated voice was enough to pull his soul right out of his body, attaching it with the very and only person he wanted to share his everything with.

Youji had always been like a fragile existence to him; it’s not that he’s weak – he never was – but it was the mere fact of him realizing that if he was to hold too much strength in his motions, he’d possibly crush him – because Youji was simply that precious. So,  _so_  unbelievably precious that he couldn’t help but wanting to treat him like the world and even more.

That was why, even when he was already more than familiar with Youji’s body – his skin texture, his warmth, his  _scar_  – he was still taken aback by how he was touching that very flesh, with hands that were so contrastingly coarse with Youji’s, and with his own physique that was way, way bigger than a man who was literally one year older than him.

Age was simply a state of mind; that was what Youji told him. Tetsuo had his own complications when it came to his body but he was more worried if it would become a disturbance to Youji, which Youji mindfully brushed it off his mind the moment he saw the wavering shadows in Tetsuo’s eyes, on the first night they spent with each other in the same bed. 

For a well-grown man in his twenties, Tetsuo thought that it was perfectly normal to have needs; lust-driven instincts, that is. Youji’s age difference wasn’t too huge of a gap with his either, and perhaps that’s exactly why when he drew him close by lounging an arm around his waist, with Youji responding by giving him a questioning, almost shy look, he knew that their mind was synchronized at that exact moment he leaned in to kiss him on the neck.

He had to admit, though. He still found himself facing difficulties when he wanted to depict what Youji was actually thinking – if his lack of response was a yes or a no. But across time, he’d come to recognize that Youji was not weak and would never be weak. Because if it was something he didn’t want, he’d find a fist against his face, or just on any part of his body in no time.

And tonight, on the seventh day when he’d just moved into the Sakiyama household, he found himself soaring in delight from the within when Youji admitted that his pent-up frustration was mutual.

They took things quickly into the bedroom, as if not wanting to lose any more seconds from more of their dilly-dallies. 

Youji’s bed was just enough for him – single and simple. But Tetsuo’s bed was different; it was bigger, not too big, yet it was still a bit too cramped to fit two people. But the size of the bed wasn’t any part of their concern when they were too busy with lips pressed against each other, hands on each other, wherever they could reach, and warm breath mingling with the air; their conscious mind totally fogged by the need to feel each other more than anything else.

Summer was barely starting but the temperature in the room was hotter than it usually was. So was the heat they were feeling from each other. Every heated gaze, every heated breath exchanged was a strong impact pushing them towards the end of their limit. And every touch they gave each other on their skin felt as if fire was lit onto their flesh, burning them from the inside out.

When Tetsuo took every piece of his clothing off his own body, he towered over Youji, looking down at Youji’s naked body before he heaved a deep breath.  
He was starting to feel lightheaded just by the heat alone and seeing Youji exposing every inch of his skin for him made him feel like he was about to explode. It was too much for him to handle. He wanted so much to touch that fair skin texture, to create marks over marks on it, and to savour every bit of it as if it was the last thing he’d do.

But all that he could do instead was staring, for a good one minute before Youji released a small chuckle, breaking the intense tension in the room.

“If I haven’t known you by now, I’d be worried if there’s something wrong with my body.”

He didn’t mean it at all, and Youji clearly told him so that he knew that it wasn’t his intention to stare without doing anything.

“That aside, the impression of you being too huge remains unchanged,” Youji glared with a scowl. Yet, his words sounded of nothing but a tease. “If you don’t stop growing, I’d be in trouble.”

“How so?” Tetsuo asked, finally finding his voice.

Youji sat up, inching towards Tetsuo as he stretched a hand, finding Tetsuo’s still-soft dick.

“I’ll let you figure it out yourself,” was all he said as he rubbed Tetsuo’s length in his hand, pumping it up and down and, while Tetsuo considered, he’d popped that very erection into his mouth, starting by sucking it softly on the head.

A small hitch of breath leaked from the corner of Tetsuo’s lips as he tried to get used to the wet, foreign sensation on his sensitive spot. He was standing on his knees, and when he casted his gaze downwards, all he could hear was his own heartbeats in his ears as the visual of Youji taking his dick in and out of his mouth became a powerful seduction of its own.

Youji concentrated on preparing him, all the while with Tetsuo taking deep breath to refill air back into his lungs. His skin was soon slicked with sweat, he couldn’t take his eyes off Youji, and then, at long last, Youji stopped, rubbing provocatively on Tetsuo’s solid-hard dick, then flicking an upward glance at Tetsuo’s direction.

“Your turn,” he said with a small voice, sounding even hoarse.

Tetsuo swallowed down his throat. He hadn’t quite gotten used to how forward Youji could be when it came to sex but there were times – like now – when he’d catch sight of a deep shade of pink on Youji’s cheeks, telling him enough that doing so alone was digging a huge ounce of courage and shamelessness out of Youji.

And he was doing it all for Tetsuo.

The realization gave him immense courage. As Youji lied back onto the bed, he helped his legs up, spreading his thighs, and seeing Youji looking away, the tint of pink darker than before.

He could hardly see his hole thanks to the darkness in the room but he could make out just how much Youji’s dick was already half-hard, precum slicking the slit of it, trailing slimy traces on Youji’s tummy when the head of it was pressed against it. As if trying to help him, Youji held his legs up by the back of his knees, still trying to avert Tetsuo’s eyes, and only gulping in shock when he felt something soft and wet lapping against his twitching hole.

“Shironuma…?!”

Tetsuo didn’t respond. His palms still pressing against Youji’s thighs to hold him in place, he focused on licking against Youji’s hole. Intermittently, he’d press a finger into it, thrusting a few times, then taking it out to replace it with his tongue again. He repeated it for a few times then, Youji shrieked in surprise when his sank the tip of his tongue into Youji’s passage instead, imitating how he’d done it with his fingers and thrusting his tongue in and out of Youji.

Youji muffled a moan when Tetsuo’s tongue finally left him. Eyes clouded with mist of pleasure, he breathed profoundly as Tetsuo straightened himself up, staring at him. Then, with a nod, he felt two fingers in him again, thrusting just to make sure, and he didn’t need to wait too long before they were replaced by something else. Something that’s no longer wet and soft, but hard and hot.

“Ngh…” Bubbled moans resounded in the room, sweat dribbled from his forehead to his face, damping the pillow. He bit on his lower lip as he did the best he could to accept Tetsuo, feeling Tetsuo’s dick pushing slowly and carefully into him. It was clear that Tetsuo had been extremely conscious with how he was treating Youji; his motion too slow, too careful, and everything had become nothing but an excruciating torture that had Youji praying inwardly that it’d end soon.

And, at long last, Tetsuo stopped, hitting Youji in the hilt as both of them released a heavy, low breath.

“Sakiyama, are you okay?” Tetsuo asked. With one palm on Youji’s face, he stared concernedly at Youji, just to be responded by a smile from Youji, then a soft kiss against his palm when Youji turned his face around to nuzzle against it.

“You could totally do it faster the next time. I don’t mind a bit of pain, it’d be way better than having to feel it for a very long time.”

“Sorry,” Tetsuo apologized, but Youji was quick to shake his head.

“It’s fine.” That’s all he said. Recognizing the end of their small talk, Tetsuo leaned in to kiss Youji on the forehead then setting up a pace as he pulled himself out of Youji, then pushing back in again, faster than before, as if he’d taken Youji’s advice seriously to his heart.

“W-wait, Shironuma!” Youji shrieked. The shift of pace caught him off guard. He could see stars flickering in his eyes. Closing his eyes tightly, he gripped onto the sheet, almost biting his lower lip open when he was suppressing a loud moan.

Tetsuo wasn’t at all forgiving with his stride, either. He was especially good at remembering the spot where Youji felt the best, aiming cruelly against it as he thrust in a way that’s so destructive Youji thought he’d pass out.

He could soon feel his orgasm building on the tip of his dick. He wanted to tell Tetsuo, and the moment he opened his eyes, what he’d seen on Tetsuo’s face had him swallowing his words down. Tetsuo was looking at him with the eyes of a beast; the golden light of his gaze glimmering ever so radiantly, the dark surrounding making them to appear more prominent than they already were. He’d never once moved his gaze away from Youji, as if attempting to witness just every ounce of response Youji was giving him, was reacting to him. His self-conscious long gone, Youji scrambled, his hand found Tetsuo’s on the sheet as he intertwined their fingers.

“Together,” he said in a heated whisper. Tetsuo’s pulses were strong and violent and powerful and with just a firm grasp around his dick, he came, the heat flooding his insides made him feel as if he was being washed away, his existence combined and becoming one with Tetsuo.

The bed was too small to fit two persons, not to mention that one of them was big in size. But it was more bearable if they had their bodies pressed close with each other, when one of them had themselves in the other’s arm. And perhaps, it’d fine having a small bed after all, because then, they’d be able to nestle in each other’s embrace like this, greeting the first ray of sunlight, with each other’s face being the first thing they see in the morning.


	29. Pick & Tick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s more than just picking fruits and vegetables.

Living with Tetsuo was an adventure. He’d come to realize how many things Tetsuo knew, and how much did Tetsuo not know. Tetsuo’s physique had always been a huge deceiving tool of its own, often causing Youji to forget that he was, undoubtedly, a man who’s one year younger than him, and also a man whom had yet to know a lot of things in the world, let alone having the proper common sense to help him survive his days. It was both delightful and terrifying to discover different sides of Tetsuo. The former a tad more than the latter, fortunately.

He also came to learn to wake up earlier than he usually was, and it was one morning when he woke up to – again – Tetsuo already being awake, meddling with something in the kitchen as he went to greet him that he realized that there were indeed, a lot of things he had yet to know about Tetsuo.

“Good morning,” he muttered, yawning.

“Morning,” Tetsuo responded without looking at him. He seemed to be greatly troubled by the pot of food he was tampering with and, curious, Youji leaned over, just to find himself looking at a pot of what seemed to be liquefied solid food.

“Erm, what’s this supposed to be?” he asked.

“Porridge. But I’ve run out of ingredient.”

“Porridge, huh?” He never knew that porridge could be served as breakfast. “What ingredient?”

“Fish and spinach. Oh, and curry powder.”

“Huh? Why do you need curry powder?”

“You like spicy food, right?”

“Yeah, but… you don’t put those in porridge, it’d taste weird.”

Tetsuo frowned, as if he’d just discovered something extraordinary.

“I can eat food which are not spicy,” Youji patted him on the shoulder, a sign of encouragement. “And I’ll eat this too, even when you said it’s lacked of ingredient.”

Tetsuo paused for a mere minute before he took a spoon, scooped one spoonful of the porridge, and brought it to his mouth.

“Hmm,” he mumbled, his scowl deepened. “We’re going out today.”

“Huh? Where are we going?” Youji’s eyes brightened.

“Grocery,” Tetsuo responded briefly. “We need to buy ingredient for the rest of next week.

Ah, grocery. He couldn’t remember where was the last time he’d ever done any grocery shopping. Or if he had ever done any grocery shopping before. His entire life had been spent on food from the convenience store.

“Sure,” he said. “After breakfast?”

Tetsuo nodded. The porridge was lacked in flavour but he took every drop of it in, until when the pot was empty and clean that they headed out of the house, to the supermarket downtown.

He’d _never_  set foot into the supermarket. Ever. It was a big place; too huge, and it had Youji staring in awe before Tetsuo took his hand and urged him to walk into it. He set eyes on everything he could see – lines of stalls selling all sorts of fruit and vegetable he’d never seen before, bottles of spices arranged neatly on shelves, and rows after rows of food for different department to which some he didn’t even know the names of.

He let Tetsuo do all the shopping as he held onto the shopping list. Tetsuo seemed to be like an expert, though. He walked around the place like it’s his own house, and when he chose between materials, Youji could clearly see the invisible analytical data in his head before he decided on one and put it into the shopping basket. He felt like he should be asking Tetsuo about a lot of things but there were so many questions that before he could even start new ones popped up, leaving him in a confused state where all he could do was follow and make mental notes.

Their shopping basket was full with ingredients by the time they ticked the last thing off the list – “Cucumber” – and while they waited at the counter for their turn to pay, Youji released a sigh, one which Tetsuo captured.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Do you always come here?” Youji asked, starting to tick off the questions in his head at the same time.

“I used to help my mom with the shopping,” Tetsuo answered.

“That’s how you learned to choose too?”

Tetsuo nodded. “My mom taught me a lot of things.”

“Haha,” Youji chuckled bitterly. “I guess I’d need to ask your mom to teach me these things too…”

“What’s the matter?” Tetsuo asked again, visibly noticing the disoriented air around Youji.

“No, it’s just…” Youji started. “I feel like you’ve been doing everything since you moved over.”

“Is it bothering you?”

“Not at all! How should I say…” Youji scratched the back of his head. “It’s like… even if it’s my own house I don’t seem like I know a lot of things after all.”

Their turn came shortly and their conversation was interrupted as Tetsuo watched the cashier checking on everything in their basket. And once they were done paying, they walked out of the place, hand-in-hand, before Tetsuo spoke again.

“It can’t be helped. You have been living alone for some time now, it’s normal if there are a lot of things that you don’t know.”

Honestly, it didn’t make Youji feel good. And it was a huge hit to his pride.

“I’ll learn,” he said, firmed. “From how to take care of the house to how to take care of myself and how to take care of you.”

Tetsuo released what sounded like a small laugh then, catching Youji completely off guard.

“You’ve been doing well,” he said, voice stable and calm. “I moved in so that I could take care of things that you weren’t able to before. I want to take care of you.”

“But it makes me feel very useless,” Youji confessed.

“You are not useless,” Tetsuo confronted. As they stopped on the platform, waiting for their train to come, Tetsuo hauled Youji closer by the arm, kissing him on the forehead. “You’re one of the strongest men I’ve come to know.”

Sometimes Youji really wondered what exactly did Tetsuo like about him. He’s nowhere as intelligent, nor as strong as Tetsuo, but whenever Tetsuo was to confess his feelings towards him, he could undoubtedly feel the sincerity from his words, from the soft gaze he was giving him, and he knew that every word he said to Youji was true.

Tetsuo was a worrywart, and so was he. Perhaps that’s why they were attracted to each other. And perhaps he’d come to know the exact reason of what Tetsuo had seen in him with the passing time.

As long as they continued supporting each other like this.


	30. Another Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They learn new things about each other everyday.

The bar resounded in hundreds of conversations told in loud voices, slow, jazz music floated the air with a mix of the smell of alcohol. The crowd consisted of people from all kinds of walks – working adults, students in their university age, even elderly, sitting in a dark corner, alone, minding their own business.

Tetsuo mixed the remaining of the two glasses of alcohol, putting them on a tray, cued his fellow worker, and shifted his gaze to look around the place. The bar was peaceful today; he’d hauled a troublemaker out of the place the previous night, finding him creating a ruckus around the place, clearly drunk, and having Tetsuo to literally carry him out of the bar. He’d wanted to just abandon him by the roadside, but the man was muttering to himself when he was about to leave him, talking about his wife running away and him losing his job before Tetsuo released a quiet sigh, then calling a taxi for him. He supposed he should keep an eye out if he  _really_  got home safely, but it was way beyond his own responsibility and he still had to work that night. He could only hope that everything was well with the man.

Tonight, though, it was quiet, no commotion, a perfect night Tetsuo would love to end the weekday. Working every night here had been quite exhausting for him, even though that gave him ample time during the day to take care of the house, especially when Youji wasn’t around. But whenever he was to return from his job, he’d find Youji already asleep as he pressed his ear against the door, hearing soft, calm snores from beyond.

He wished he could spend more time with Youji.

Heaving a sigh, he returned to wiping the glasses on the counter clean, only looking around when his fellow waiter tapped him on the shoulder.

“A  _Blue Fountain_  for that gentleman over there.”

“Understood,” he responded without looking up. He’d memorized the menu of the bar; he could make every drink without reference now. Making the  _Blue Fountain_  was a task he deemed too simple. He mixed everything in motion almost like a robot, then serving the drink in an elegant-looking glass before he tapped on the bell on the table, signalling the drink to be ready.

“Why not you bring it over?” his co-worker came up to the counter. “I’ll take over in the meantime.”

Tetsuo frowned. But it’s work, so, with a suppressed sigh, he took the tray with the drink on it, then walked towards the corner where the customer sat.

“Thank you for your order, this is your—Sakiyama?”

“H-Hey.”

Youji sat in the corner of the room, wearing a thick jacket with a scarf wrapping around his neck.

“What are you doing here?” Tetsuo asked, visibly surprised.

“Well, I’ve never visited the place you work, so I thought, since I have nothing else to do for the night, probably I can drop by then. Am I disturbing you?”

“Not at all,” Tetsuo was quick to answer. He was still surprised, but he was also undeniably happy. Youji wasn’t the best with a place like this, yet, he took his time and travelled all the way here just to visit Tetsuo.

He was  _very_  happy.

“You can continue working,” Youji hastily said as he picked his drink up. “I’ll just be sitting here.”

Tetsuo hoped he could do as what Youji asked him to. But even when he returned to the counter, his gaze would shift unconsciously to where Youji was sitting, finding himself perplexed by how Youji sipped quietly on his drink, glancing around, and visibly very uncomfortable.

He wished he could end his shift now so that he could go home with Youji.

“Seems like that customer came for you,” his co-worker said, leaning against he counter as he joined Tetsuo to stare at Youji. “Doesn’t seem like he’s used to this kind of place, though. A friend?”

“Yeah,” Tetsuo responded briefly.

“Then shouldn’t you be accompanying him?”

He wished he could but he was still working, it didn’t feel right to.

“We don’t have a lot of customers today anyway. Surprisingly, since it’s a Friday night. So, how about cutting yourself some slack?” his co-worked ended with a rough pat on his shoulder.

Tetsuo looked around the space again. It did look peaceful tonight; everyone simply minding their own business, and there were four staff on duty today, manpower was definitely overwhelming.

Synchronizing with his thoughts, he walked towards Youji again, then sitting right in front of him.

“Huh?” Youji looked at him when he sat, then back at the counter. “What about work?”

“It’s fine,” Tetsuo replied. “You’re a customer, this is part of work too.”

“Oh,” Youji emitted a small sound. “I see.”

The letdown on his face was way too obvious for Tetsuo to miss, causing him to wonder if him joining him was troubling himself instead. He looked at his glass; the drink was already half-drank, a faint pink tinted Youji on the cheeks as he gave out intermittent, small hiccups.

“Are you okay?” Tetsuo asked, a tad worried.

“Huh? I’m okay, why are you asking?” Youji questioned instead.

“Nothing,” Tetsuo said. He didn’t know how to answer, he simply felt like asking.

“So… this is where you work,” Youji started, breaking the silence in between them. “And you’re wearing those too even when you work.”

Youji chuckled a little as he tapped on Tetsuo’s glasses.

“How do I look?” Tetsuo asked, following the flow.

“Great,” Youji responded without a second thought. “I mean, you’ve always been great but—eh.”

“Hm?”

“…nothing.”

Youji’s face looked redder than before; is he drunk?

With that thought, Tetsuo stood, coming to sit beside Youji, and having Youji to lean reflexively against him. He felt hot, and it’s all thanks to the alcohol, even when Tetsuo was sure that the level of it wasn’t too high when he mixed it.

“Do you—hic—accompany customers like too when you –hic—work?” Youji asked, his weight against Tetsuo’s arm as a free hand pulled his scarf free. He was drenched in sweat and the scent of alcohol was even more pronounced when he spoke, especially when Tetsuo was in a distance very much close with him.

“Not really,” Tetsuo said, pulling him close so that he could wrap an arm around his torso. “I only mix and serve drinks.”

“Really?” Youji trailed in a small voice.

“Really.”

“Hmmm…”

When he turned just enough to look at Youji’s face, Youji had his eyes closed, his breathing hot.

“Sakiyama,” he called out.

“Hm?”

“Are you okay?”

“Hmm?” Youji repeated. “I’m… fine.”

He didn’t look fine at all.

Looking over to the counter, he made eye contact with his co-worker, earning his thumbs up, then lifting Youji up by slinging his hand around his neck.

“Oi, oi, is he okay?” he co-worker asked as Tetsuo walked towards the counter with Youji in his arm.

“Not an issue,” Tetsuo said. “I’d like to leave earlier, I’ll compensate the remaining hours back tomorrow.”

“It’s fine with us,” his co-worked said. “There’s not many people in anyway. That aside, I think you should look after him.”

“I will,” Tetsuo lifted a small smile. “Then, thank you for your hard work.”

“Sure. Be careful on your way home.”

The walk back home was heavy and hot and long. Halfway through, Tetsuo shifted his posture, carrying Youji on his back instead as he carried profound paces back to their home. And throughout the entire walk, Youji slept, quietly and calmly, as Tetsuo piggybacked him all the way back. Sometimes, he’d mumble things like “ _Shironuma…_ ” or some weird language Tetsuo couldn’t understand, but it was a moment Tetsuo enjoyed, just walking like this, just the two of them.

He’d need to ask Youji the next day if his alcohol tolerance was low, though. So at least he could keep an eye out for him in the future.

As he thought of that, a small smile lifted on the corners of his lips as he walked, realizing that he’d learned more things about Youji today.


	31. Welcome!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s a routine that’s his comfort zone.

“Ha…”

He couldn’t remember how many sighs had he heaved today. It was only 10AM and his head was heavy, his eyes could barely open, his focus wavering as he shook his head several times, just to keep himself awake. He woke up to good breakfast and good company but the very same company was also the reason why he had landed himself with severe lack of sleep and above all, a night experience that he totally did not need.

He yawned again. No one was in the store at the moment, his time vacant as he stared straight up, into nothing.

“Sakiyama-kun, you don’t look very well today. Are you okay?”

He immediately came back to himself upon hearing the shop owner’s voice, pulling a smile enough to show that he’s fine.

“Ah, I’m sorry,” he said hastily. “I’m just sleep deprived.”

“I see. Do you want to take a rest today?”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Youji said in a hurry. “It’s nothing too serious. Sorry for the trouble.”

“It’s no trouble at all,” the shop owner responded with a smile. “Just try not to strain yourself too much, alright?”

With a wave of his hand, the owner disappeared into the back room of the shop, leaving Youji to slap his face with two of his hands, feeling all the more frustrated for having others to worry about him.

The place where Youji worked was a convenience store located just around the corner from where he stayed. It took a mere ten minutes to reach by foot, and he’d work from morning to evening, three times a week. It was the same part-time job he’d been working for since he’s in high school. And since it was comfortable and convenient working there, he’d decided to continue working until he found himself a proper, full-time job.

Working in this convenient store was nothing of a hassle; everything was a routine – all he needed to do was to restock materials when they ran out, taking care of the counter with programmed courteous greeting and clean up the shop to prepare for opening whenever he was on shift. There was not much complications; his body had been better since he graduated high school and he hadn’t been receiving any form of disturbance either in any way.

He’d be perfectly fine even if he was to continue working as a full-timer here. But a small voice had always lectured on him whenever that mere intention surfaced; one that he knew was a stern reminder for him to think about future.

He heaved another sigh upon the thought. What did he want to do with his future, though? He should probably enroll himself into a university, but his body wasn’t completely great yet, so perhaps it wasn’t the best decision for him. Not yet.

How about Tetsuo, then? Unlike him, Tetsuo was perfectly healthy, his result was top-notch, he’s intelligent. Tetsuo was perfect.

Yet, Youji could never understand why he choose to work first instead of furthering his studies.

The bell signalling a new customer rang as he pondered, causing him to immediately look up with a smile.

“Welcome! Ah, Makoto!”

“Youji! Hello!”

Makoto, unlike both him and Tetsuo, had started a whole new campus experience in a local university. Every once a while, he’d drop by the shop when he’s done with classes, talking about wanting to find himself some simple lunch, which, for some reason, often causing Tetsuo to furrow his brows whenever Youji brought it up. 

“Done with classes?” Youji asked.

“Yup! Ah… no, to be honest, I have club activities, but I decided to pass today.”

“Huh? Why?”

“It’s too hot. And I’m tired,” Makoto responded briefly.

“I see…”

University life must be fun, even though whatever Makoto had described to him sounded very much like everything they had gone through during their high school years.

“How about Youji? Is everything fine? Oh, yeah,” Makoto paused, his eyes darkened, his expression rigid. “I heard Shironuma moved in?”

“Ah… yeah,” Youji responded shyly. “It was just a few days ago.”

“Huh…” Makoto narrowed his eyes, as if considering something. “Youji, if he ever bullies you, you can always tell me, you know?”

“Huh? O-oh, it’s nothing like that, Shironuma is fine.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Youji replied with a smile. 

“That’s good then,” Makoto said, albeit sounding sarcastic. “Seriously, though, moving in? That’s a bit early, don’t you think?”

“You think so?” Youji tilted his head. He’d never considered about this before. He thought it’d be just natural, and since Tetsuo was the one who’d brought it up, he found no reason to turn him down either. 

They’re… together, after all.

“Shouldn’t you be doing this only when you’re—wait, wait, what am I saying, why am I encouraging you?  _Anyway_ ,” Makoto leaned over the counter, pulling his face close to Youji. “You must let me know if Shironuma bullies you, alright?  _Must_ , okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I will,” Youji chuckled in response. Makoto could be such a worrywart at times but he meant well and Youji couldn’t be more grateful. He was the only person he only trusted once and he was grateful that they were able to remain in contact even after graduation. He still remembered how Makoto had hugged him so hard to the point of suffocating on their graduation day. He remembered Tetsuo forcefully pulling them apart, his aura dark, his face layered with gloomy shadows as he shot Makoto the nastiest glare Youji had ever seen on his profile.

All in all, his high school life wasn’t great but it was the reason he’d gotten to know Tetsuo and Makoto and that itself was a blessing of its own.

“I’ll take these two,” Makoto came back with two sandwiches after their quick catch up, putting them on the counter. “Thanks, Youji.”

“Thank _you_ ,” Youji smiled. “It’s lesser than your usual helping. Are you okay, Makoto?”

“Woah, that’s rude, I’m perfectly fine, thank you very much. I’m just trying to keep an eye out on my diet, that’s all.”

“Really? Or are you trying to impress a girl?” Youji teased as he scanned the barcodes of both items.

“Wh-what?! No! No way!” Makoto’s expression was frantic. 

“I’m just joking. It’d be 330 yen for both. Thank you very much for your patronage.”

Makoto scrambled around to find coins in his pockets, then placing them into the small tray, all the while eyeing Youji suspiciously.

“Seriously, it’s nothing to do with any girl, okay?” he repeated when Youji handed him the bag of food. “I’m really just trying to keep an eye on my diet.”

“Yeah, I know,” Youji reaffirmed. “You’d tell me if it’s really a girl.”

“Ah… ah, hahaha, you’re right, I’ll tell you, I definitely will,” Makoto scratched the back of his head, sounding awkward. “Anyway, I’ll drop by sometime soon. Say hello to Shironuma for me.”

“Sure, he’d like to see you too.”

“I wonder…”

He sent Makoto’s out of the shop with his gaze, then turning to look at the clock on the wall.

Just another hour and he’d be done for the day.

He really needed to go home and sleep.

* * *

“Thank you very much! See you this Friday!”

After bowing at his employer, Youji adjusted the bag on his shoulder, taking quick steps out of the shop, and immediately found his tracks stop when he noticed someone standing outside of the shop, just not far away from the door.

“Shironuma?”

Tetsuo looked up upon hearing his name, then walked towards Youji.

“I told you it’s fine not to come every time,” Youji reprimanded with a small smile.

“It’s okay, I’ve got nothing much to do anyway,” Tetsuo responded dismissively.

“Is that so…?”

They walked side-by-side, following the familiar route back to their house.

“Oh yeah, by the way,” Youji started.

“Hm?”

“Makoto said he’d drop by sometime for a visit. And he asked me to say hi to you.”

Tetsuo remained silent as they continued walking.

“Shironuma?” Curious, Youji glanced sideway at him, just to find himself gaping at Tetsuo’s darkened expression.

“S-Shironuma, are you okay?”

“Fine,” Tetsuo said curtly. 

“That’s okay then…”

He wondered if he’d mentioned anything that’d made Tetsuo felt bad. But he decided to swallow his answer down his throat. Tetsuo had his own complications, and if his expression wasn’t obvious enough, Youji would really need to warn Makoto the next time he was to see him again.


	32. Who’s the Stranger?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Living with Tetsuo proves to be both exciting and… terrifying.

It was that  _one_  incident that’d convinced Youji that Tetsuo had, in fact, never stayed alone ever. Not in his entire life.

He woke up to trivial noises outside his door, wanting to go back to sleep before he heard a louder noise that he knew was from Tetsuo’s room. Grudgingly, he sat up, rubbed a knuckle against his eye then dragged his feet towards the door.

He’d been staying alone for years now; hearing intermittent noises outside of his house was nothing surprising. Sometimes, there’d even be weird sounds  _in_ his house, either from the trickling of tap water, or when items would fall all of a sudden. He’d deemed all of these as normal occurrences that was nothing he should make a fuss about, something he’d ignore and mindlessly go back to sleep.

But it’s obviously not the same with Tetsuo.

“Shironuma?” he called out when he opened the door, in a whisper.

He saw a shadow in front of Tetsuo’s door, knowing who it was. Letting out a yawn, he was about to walk towards Tetsuo when Tetsuo rushed towards him instead, catching him off guard.

“What’s the matter?” he asked through grumpy voice. He’s  _extremely_  sleepy; they’d spent the entire day moving things around. It’s 2AM in the morning and he had a part-time job the next day.  _He desperately needed sleep_.

“It’s probably just the wind,” he yawned again, sounding louder this time, but was quick to be interrupted by Tetsuo.

“Shh.”

When he looked at him, Tetsuo was boring a stern-looking expression, his eyes fixed at the door, his nerves tensed.

“Shironuma?” Youji called again. He reached out a hand, finding Tetsuo, but immediately pulled back when he realized that he was touching something that was definitely not skin.

“Why are you holding the broom…?” he asked, squinting through the darkness and finally making out the shape of a broom, one he recognized to belong under Tetsuo’s bed.

“Strange noise, outside the house,” Tetsuo whispered, sounding hoarse and alert.

“Yeah, I heard that too. It could be the wind.”

“Wind won’t make such noise.”

“I mean, wind hitting against the door… or something.”

Tetsuo remained silent, eyes still fixed at the door. Finding it hilarious, Youji patted Tetsuo on the head, chuckling softly as he did.

“It’s nothing, really. And it’s late, we should sleep.”

He wanted to go back to his own room but Tetsuo had grabbed him on his hand before he could, pulling him back to him.

“Wh—“

“Don’t go anywhere, stay near me.”

“Shironuma? No, it’s really okay. I need to sle—“

“I’ll protect you.”

“…huh?”

Wait, what?

Did Tetsuo misunderstand things in a way Youji couldn’t understand?

Why would he need protection?

“Shironuma, seriously, I need to sleep. I need to work tomorr—“

His voice was disturbed by a sudden noise, breaking the silent in the room. Tetsuo’s hand grasped him firmer, his frown deepened as he raised the broom.

“What was that?”

“You heard it?”

It was vague but he was sure that he was hearing something just seconds before. Something that sounded like claws slashing against the door.

He swallowed down his throat, chills running down his spine. Never had he ever suspected anything when he heard weird noises at night. If it wasn’t for Tetsuo, he would definitely not take this so seriously. He looked at Tetsuo again, hoping that he would have a solution to this but all that he could see was cold sweat running down Tetsuo’s face, his Adam’s Apple bobbing up and down, his hand in his trembled ever so slightly when Youji did as much as taking a deep breath.

“S-shall we check out what’s happening?” Youji suggested. He took a step towards the door but Tetsuo was fast to pull him back. He could  _clearly_  feel Tetsuo shaking a tad when he did that.

“I’ll do it, you stay back,” Tetsuo said through groggy voice.

“It’s okay, I can check it out with you too.”

If it’s  _really_  someone trying to break into the house, he was sure that two men would definitely be better than one man. But… if it was  _something else_ …

He shook his head, taking another deep breath then walked towards the door with Tetsuo.

They stopped in front of the door, Tetsuo with his broom held high and Youji straining his ears to listen to any more possible noise.

For a long while, there’s only silence, until when they were starting to put their guard down that the same scratching sound resounded again, causing both of them to jump.

“It’s definitely something outside there,” Tetsuo concluded. “I’m going to confront it.”

“I’ll go with you.”

“It’s okay.”

“No,  _it’s okay_ ,” Youji insisted. His heart was beating so fast it was almost trying to barge out of his chest but he knew that Tetsuo was no better. Feeling a surge of courage from within him, he grasped harder on Tetsuo’s hand, then reaching out a free hand to open the door.

The door swung open, cold breeze blew into the room, giving them more chills than they already had. They looked around. There was no sign of anyone at all, the corridor vacant, no shadow – nothing.

It didn’t help the situation  _at all_.

“You… heard that just now, right?” Youji asked, just in case.

Tetsuo nodded. “Something, touching the door.”

He regretted everything. He should’ve ignored the noise, ignored Tetsuo, and slept away. Then he wouldn’t need to face this whole absurd situation now, facing something he couldn’t see, having absolutely no clue on how to even confront it.

“Maybe we should go in, ignore it, it’ll past, everything’s a—ahhhhh!!!”

_Something_  had just brushed past his leg – something  _furry_.

He screamed, pulling Tetsuo into the house and slamming the door shut with a loud thump. His breathing short, he leaned against the wall, one hand pressed against his chest as he tried to catch his breath.

“Okay, this is it. I need to sleep,” Youji announced. “I’m going to forget everything that has happened tonight and pretend it’s a dream. Goodnight, Shironu—“

“Sakiyama.”

Tetsuo interrupted him with a call of his name. Annoyed yet curious, he looked at Tetsuo’s direction, his eyes brightened as he did.

“We found the culprit.”

In Tetsuo’s hands was a bundle of black fur… It was a kitten.

“Think it was scratching against the door just now,” Tetsuo said, caressing the kitten on the head as it purred into Tetsuo’s palm. “Maybe it’s looking for shelter.”

For a long time, all Youji could do was staring at Tetsuo, then at the kitten, then at Tetsuo as he patted the cat on the fur.

“Should we take him in?”

“I-it’s up to you!” Youji said, finally finding his voice. He couldn’t believe that all these ruckuses were caused by a kitten. He felt as if half of his soul had joined Hell earlier. “I’m going to sleep. I  _really_  need to sleep.”

With that said, he turned around, was about to return to his room when Tetsuo stopped him again.

“Sakiyama.”

“Huh?”

The soft sensation was on his lips again, doing a perfect job in calming him down; an effect he didn’t know he very much needed.

“Goodnight.”

He walked away without another word, his heartbeats now racing for a completely different reason.

It’d be a miracle if he could  _actually_  sleep for the rest of the night.


	33. Morning Routine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps he can get used to this kind of morning. Yup, he can.

_How long has Shironuma been awake?_  he wondered as he lied on his bed, unsure of the time, unsure if he should get out of bed. Usually, he wouldn’t need to worry about this at all. He’d take his time, cuddling in his bed, refusing to leave, even when the sun was high and the day was long bright. But he was woken up by the trivial noises in the kitchen, causing him to snap his eyes open, quite abruptly, as the mere truth of Tetsuo now staying under the same roof as him dawned upon him.

He didn’t know what he should do. Probably, the first step should be to get out of bed, to greet Tetsuo, then he could figure out what to do next.

But he’d failed his first step. Magnificently.

He shut his eyes when he heard movements near his door, heart picking up speed when he heard a few soft knocks, then a voice that almost had his heart leaping out of his throat.

“Sakiyama?”

He should respond.

Yeah, he totally should.

“Are you awa—“

“I’m awake, give me a second.”

His response came in a way too unnatural stutter, he almost tripped and fell if he hadn’t been grabbing onto his bedside table. Tetsuo must be wondering what was happening in the room but he’s not going to let him in as he pulled a jacket, wrapped himself with it, and opened the door.

In the doorway stood Tetsuo, an apron draped around his body, staring at Youji with a surprised expression.

“Is everything okay?” he asked.

“Y-yeah,” Youji responded hastily. “Good morning.”

Tetsuo lifted a smile, one that Youji was sure he would’ve missed if he wasn’t staring at the trickle of sweat running down Tetsuo’s cheek.

“Good morning,” Tetsuo responded. But that’s not all. In the next second, he’d crouched a tad, bending enough to peck Youji briefly on the lips before he turned his back towards him.

“Breakfast would be ready soon,” was all he said as he walked back to the kitchen, leaving Youji to stare at his disappearing back in awe.

“Break… fast…?”

He shook his head, rushing his way into the bathroom, then started splashing water onto his face.

That was… Tetsuo, right? He asked himself, staring at his own reflection in the mirror as he did. It wasn’t as if Tetsuo hadn’t been cooking for him before but the way Tetsuo acted was so…bizarrely surreal that Youji had to take a second guess on what had just happened.

So, to sum it up – Tetsuo woke earlier before him, and had started making breakfast for him, and above all, greeted Youji with a… kiss.

_Everything sounded like nothing but the morning routine of a married couple and Youji wanted nothing but to go back to his room, cuddle himself under the blanket, and hide his face in embarrassment._

It’s only the first day of having Tetsuo in his house and he was already at the brink of collapsing. He seriously wondered how much more of Tetsuo he could withstand before his boyfriend swept him off his feet and then he’d be finding himself passing out right in front of Tetsuo, for reasons that were way too embarrassing to be spelled out.

He splashed his face with cold water again, freezing under the low temperature, then taking a deep breath before he wiped his face dry. It’s only Tetsuo. It’s not like he’s not familiar with Tetsuo at all. They’d known each other for more than a year. And he was sure that he’d known as much of Tetsuo as he could.

When he walked out of the bathroom, Tetsuo had taken off his apron, now laying plates of what seemed like a traditional Japanese breakfast dishes on the table. No matter how Youji was to look at it, the amount was definitely too much for two persons. Him aside, not even Tetsuo ate extremely a lot and it made him wonder if they were expecting guests.

“That’s… quite a lot,” he said as he sat, completely distracted by the extravagance of food. “Did you make all of these?”

Tetsuo nodded as he took a seat right opposite of Youji.

“It’s my first time making this, hope they’re fine.”

“First time…?”

Tetsuo didn’t answer; instead, he picked his own bowl up, and started digging in.

This is quite impressive for a first time. Seriously, though, how much better can Tetsuo be? It’s a bit overwhelming at this point. Attempting to distract himself, Youji started on his meal too, his taste-bud completely taken away by the tasteful spread of flavour in his mouth.

It’s a bit… hard to believe.

“I called my mom this morning so she guided me through,” Tetsuo said between munches. “But I should get the hang of it the next time I make them again.”

“Next time,” Youji spoke before he could stop himself. “Wake me up so I can make them with you.”

Tetsuo stopped his action. Even without looking up, Youji knew that he was staring at him.

“You need sleep,” Tetsuo said briefly.

“ _You_  need sleep too,” Youji retorted. “Besides, this is my house, I’d feel bad if you’re doing everything. And so, just…” he paused, as if gauging Tetsuo’s reaction. “…just take it easy. Treat it like your own home.”

Silence spread between them, but just very briefly. Then, he heard the sound of chair being dragged backwards, looking up just to see Tetsuo bringing his face close to his.

“S-Shironuma?”

He felt a soft peck on his lips again that he knew was Tetsuo’s lips, his entire body frozen in surprise.

“I’ll wake you up tomorrow,” Tetsuo said, voice low yet clear. “We can make breakfast together.”

Hearing that, Youji broke into a chuckle, one that he couldn’t help. Cupping Tetsuo on the face, he nuzzled their noses, then leaning in enough to return Tetsuo’s kiss.

“No need to be too kind with me,” he said, eyes fixed on Tetsuo’s. “If I don’t wake, just pull me off the bed or something.”

This time, it was Tetsuo’s turn to chuckle, just very lightly, before he nodded.

“If you say so.”

They were lucky that they had the entire week of holiday for them before they headed back to work. Their graduation had pushed them into the reality of society; while Erika had mindfully told Youji to take his own pace when it came to job-hunting, Youji still found himself acting edgy especially considering how much he’d need to support himself now that he was supposed to be a proper working adult. Having Tetsuo in the house was both a blessing and a curse; Tetsuo was excellent in absolutely everything, in a way that sometimes made Youji feel as if he was the older one instead. But Tetsuo, like Erika, had told him that all Youji needed to do was to find a pace he’s comfortable in and that he’ll be working hard to catch up to him, even though Youji still had absolutely no idea what he meant by that.

They still had a lot of work to do – a lot of catching up, a lot of adapting to each other; but above all, simply having each other’s presence under the same roof seemed to have made up for every other flaw they had foreseen.

And they knew that they wouldn’t choose anyone else to share the same intimate space with.

Even when it meant having to wake up to the same ol’ morning routine again.

And again.


	34. Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The line between a boyfriend and a caretaker is a thin one.

Never in his life would he imagine himself sharing space with someone else that wasn’t his sister.

He sat on his bed, staring around, agitation rose within him, strengthened with every passing second. His attention wavered between the time on the clock and his mobile phone, as if expecting an explosion to happen anytime soon. And as soon as his mobile phone started ringing, his heart skipped a beat, jumping from the bed and almost dropping the phone before he answered the call.

“Shironuma?”

The voice paused for a slight bit before it spoke, with a voice truncated and deep; one that Sakiyama Youji was already more than familiar with.

“I’m boarding the train now, should be there in a few minutes.”

“Okay,” Youji stood, grabbing his jacket as he did. “I’ll leave the house now then.”

“You don’t need to come, it’s not like I don’t know the way to your house.”

“It’s fine,” Youji brushed him off. Closing the door behind him, he rushed his way down the stairs, down the road as he headed towards the direction of the train station. “Besides, you must be carrying a lot of things. You’d need help.”

He heard a silent sigh from beyond the phone; and he didn’t need to see the caller’s face to know what kind of expression he’d be bearing now.

“Don’t rush, I’ll be waiting,” he said, most likely with a smile.

“I know,” Youji responded with a chuckle. “You’re the one moving in but you seem to be more worried than me.”

And with a quick “See you soon”, they disconnected the call. Despite being told to take his time, Youji found his own steps quickened as he came closer to the station. At this point, it’s no longer the worries that he might be late that was motivating his hastened pace, but–

“Shironuma!”

–the urge to see this very man, Shironuma Tetsuo, who was standing in front of the station, two luggage by his legs, and who looked around when he heard Youji’s voice, greeted by a small smile.

“Did you run here?” he asked, watching as Youji caught his breath.

“N-No,” Youji panted.

Tetsuo merely smiled. Wiping sweat off Youji’s forehead, his other hand found Youji’s, then intertwining their fingers like it’s the most natural thing for him to do.

“Thank you for coming over,” he said quietly, sounding almost like a whisper.

“Y-you don’t have to thank me, it’s only manners to greet someone when they’re moving in.”

Youji knew he didn’t mean it that way, and Tetsuo obviously did too. As if trying to escape, he grabbed onto one of Tetsuo’s luggage, and, with their hands still in each other’s, Youji led them out of the crowd, heading towards the direction of his house.

Silence spread between them as they walked; they weren’t talkative people to begin with, comfortable silence between them was something both of them appreciated at times. But this time, it was agitation that was overriding Youji’s rational mind. He sneaked gazes at Tetsuo at times, seeing him bearing nothing but a dismissive face, then looked away, wondering if he was the only person who was overreacting.

It was nothing too serious – it was only Tetsuo moving in.

Just that.

They’d never imagined themselves to be in this situation if it was one year back. Never would he expect Tetsuo to ask him if he could move in, using ‘so that he could take better care of Youji’ as an excuse, which sounded more like a subtle plea to Youji. He couldn’t bring himself to say no, even though he understood perfectly well that having Tetsuo in where he was living now was never any disturbance. 

Instead, it was more embarrassing than anything else.

He couldn’t call himself perfect when it came to handling chores or even taking care of himself. Having Tetsuo around might be a good idea; perhaps he could finally get his life together properly now. Tetsuo would make sure that he ate three meals a day, he’d make sure the refrigerator was always filled with food and ingredients, he’d make sure every corner of the house is in a sleek, spotless shape. 

Youji would never expect Tetsuo to be such person if they’d never ended up together a year back.

The Tetsuo he first met was nothing but a cold and intimidating man. He never knew what he was thinking about, and he always wore this penetrating stare as if he was reading Youji’s mind. But, every ounce of those perception towards the man had changed ever since he opened up to knowing him better. Under the mask of coldness concealed a soul of warmth. Even when Tetsuo said nothing, often causing Youji to wonder, he always meant well. And even when Tetsuo tried saying something, sometimes even confusing Youji, Youji knew that everything was done for him.

That realization hit him hard.

_Very hard._

Never in his life would he ever imagine a man as distant as Tetsuo to carry with him a soul as warm as the sun, perhaps even more. Never in his life would he find himself being astonished by how kind-hearted a man as big-sized as Tetsuo was.

And he’d never felt as grateful as he ever was for letting Tetsuo into his life – for giving Tetsuo a chance.

“We’re here.”

It’s weird saying this even when he knew that Tetsuo was already a regular in his house. He stepped aside to let Tetsuo in, closing the door when Tetsuo had taken his shoes off.

“I’ve cleaned up the vacant room,” he explained, carrying Tetsuo’s luggage into the room in one corner of the house. “It… should be fine.”

Tetsuo merely stood, staring at Youji as if he’d said something weird.

“What is it?” Youji asked, noticing the question on his face.

“…nothing,” was all Tetsuo said before he walked towards the room, leaving Youji to stare at his back in confusion.

“I hope it’s fine for you,” he followed, speaking up, just to make sure

“It’s fine,” Tetsuo reassured. “As long as I’m staying under the same roof as you, it doesn’t matter where I sleep.”

“Oh.”

He… thinks he  _finally_  understands what made Tetsuo pause earlier.

Feeling the tips of his ears burning, he swallowed down his throat, watched as Tetsuo looked around the room, then putting his luggage at the foot of the bed.

“How about dinner? Or do you want to look around the house first?”

Tetsuo fixed his gaze on Youji then.

“I think I know your place well enough. But dinner, yeah,” he agreed at the end. “And grocery later?”

“Huh?”

“Bet you don’t have anything in your fridge,” Tetsuo said simply before he stepped out of the room, leaving Youji to gape him before he broke into a small chuckle.

Having Tetsuo around would help a lot. He’d make sure Youji ate all his three meals, that his fridge would always be filled with food and ingredients. 

He’ll make sure that Youji would be well fed, well tended to; perhaps even better than he himself.

Heaving a quiet sigh, Youji followed Tetsuo’s steps out of the room, finding him in front of the fridge and wondered if he’d invited home a boyfriend or a caretaker.


	35. One Wish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're the prettiest White Heather I know.

             There’s a type of fondness he couldn’t describe. It’s delicate, soft,  _precious_. It’s a type of endearment swarming within his chest from the moment he met eyes with a man.

            Yes, a man. No one man should be described in such a way, but he soon realizes that  _he_  fit no perfect description that he could ever conjure anyway. Sakiyama Youji was delicate, soft, precious, yet he was also strong, tough, and courageous all at the same time. He could see it from the first time their gaze met for mere seconds, from the time they exchanged very brief interaction, and from the first time he heard his name. It’s just another name – nothing extraordinary. But the four words stung him in the chest, hanging onto his heart as if it was hooked onto it, and giving him the weirdest sense of surrealism and, undoubtedly,  _affection_  from the very moment he encountered it. It’s a sort of attachment he’d never felt with anyone ever. It enchanted him. It mesmerized him so much that he found every part of his conscious self being overly attached to him – his mind drifting to him when he wasn’t thinking, his body possessing this intense urge to be close to him when he’s not around, and his soul… he felt as if his soul was destined to meet him even before he knew it. It’s a sort of realization that he couldn’t quite explain himself, but it’s there – vividly real, it made him feel alive, feel  _normal_.

            There’s something with Sakiyama Youji that he couldn’t quite put his words on. Despite being aloof, there’s this veiled intensity within him that he was concealing pretty well. But Tetsuo saw through him in a glance. He didn’t know much about him – what he liked, what he didn’t, where’s his favourite hangout place, what his hobbies are, what’s his background – but yet, he felt closeness indescribable with how he felt even with his family. He’s curious. It could be his instinct speaking, but if it’s so, then let it be. Let his instinct guide him towards becoming the person it wanted him to be.

            “Sakiyama.”

            The first time he called him had Youji staring at him, eyes filled with obvious edginess, and he wondered if Youji was like the others, fearing him for reasons unknown. He brushed that thought off immediately. Youji’s not like that. He couldn’t explain where he’d gotten that impression from but  _Youji’s not like that_. He approached him, using ways that only he was familiar with, only he thought was right.

            He tried to understand Youji as much as he could, and was glad that he tried. Youji was… there were so many things Youji was but above all, he was clearly inattentive towards himself – he’s slow, even dense, but he’s smart, and cautious. He cared nothing about ways to look after himself but he knew how to avoid danger the best way he could. He respected Youji, and if Youji couldn’t bring himself to look after himself, perhaps he could take over that responsibility – being Youji’s protector, guardian; anything it’s called. 

            There were words he couldn’t bring himself to tell Youji when they first touched – like how fair he was, how every mark on his skin only suggested of nothing but survivals from battles he’d been fighting by himself all this while. He couldn’t help but embrace Youji in his arms, feeling his warmth, the beating of his heart, feeling his very  _existence_  just to have Youji returning his affection with gentle caressing on his hair, feather-light touches on his bare skin, and a contented sigh that suggested of nothing but relief. 

            “If we’re normal, how would our situations be? Would we still end up like this?”

            It’s a question Youji had plugged right out of Tetsuo’s chest – a question he’d been dying to ask for the longest time. Tetsuo wasn’t normal; he’d recognized that very fact ever since he gained a conscious of his own. It’s the very reason why he had to go through all sorts of discrimination, of rediscovering his purpose of living, and it’s also the reason why he couldn’t bring himself to communicate with anyone else. Interacting with Youji had been one of the toughest challenges he had to face his entire life. But he tried. He tried his hardest; he tried everything he could. And he knew Youji was the same. Youji wasn’t normal either – he’d been sick his entire life, but recently, he was sicker than usual that it had Tetsuo constantly wondering if he had some sort of chronic illness that he wasn’t telling Tetsuo.

            But… even so…

            He hugged Youji firmer in his arms, kissing his cheek, the tip of his nose, then briefly on his lips.

            Even so… even if Youji had some sort of disease that would take him away from Tetsuo anytime soon, he’d choose to be with Youji like this, holding him in his arms, anything that he could do to reassure him that nothing could ever change anything between them – not even these merciless consequences fate had forcefully dragged themselves into. 

            “I’ll still go after you,” Tetsuo said. Just that few words were attempting to pull all his remaining energy out of him, as if they were cursed, as if every word he said was diminishing his life force. But he needed to say it, he’s Youji’s  _protector_ , and regardless of what was to happen, that very title would never be stripped off of him.

            He couldn’t see Youji’s face, his mien pressed against his chest, listening to his heartbeats. But he could feel a smile, a sigh, and then, a voice that was his favourite in the world. 

            “You’re right.” Youji responded. Just three simple words – but it’s everything Tetsuo needed to hear.

            There’s something about holding the person who meant the entire world in your hands that’s so enchanting, and so endearing you couldn’t help but be addicted to it. There’s something about listening to the other person’s voice, seeing everything they’re doing, and just… be with them that made you feel as if you’re the luckiest person in the world. 

            That’s how Youji had made Tetsuo feel. He could no longer remember how his world once was before he met Youji. Youji was the person who’d painted colours into his monochromatic world. He’s the person who’d told him how  _normal_  he could be, how  _alive_  he actually was. Youji was  _his life_. Even at their very final moments, Tetsuo had never once regretted meeting Youji, even when them being together meant having to sacrifice everything two human beings deserved.

            “Do you think eternity exists?” he asked, ear pressed against Youji’s chest, wanting to listen to his heartbeats until the final moment. They were surprisingly pacifying, soothing the intense pain that was tearing him apart from the inside out, the very reality that he was slowly but surely losing his self and everything that was what made him to be human. Surprisingly, he was no longer agonized by the fact of how he wasn’t human from the beginning, that his body was never his, his soul never his – but at the very moment, eternity existed between the both of them: his body, his soul,  _everything_  of his belonged to Youji.

            “Eternity…” Youji breathed, every word he said announcing loud and clear of his losing, of Tetsuo  _losing_  him. “…does not… exist.”

            Of course, he thought. Of course it didn’t exist. He smiled, one that’s genuine and relieving. There’s nothing to be regretful of now. Even though their encounter was brief, their feelings were real. And above everything else, they were here, in their final moments, with each other in their hands.

            That is all they ever needed.

            The last of his memories consisted of images of white, of Youji, of the fairness of his skin, the darkness of his hair, his eyes, and the first time he smiled at him. It consisted of the overwhelming emotions engulfing him from the inside, emotions he never thought he possessed, life he thought was never his.

            And then, they were in a field, white heathers blooming around them. They stood, hand-in-hand, feeling nothing but peace as they indulged in the pacifying scent around them. Do miracles exist? Would wishes come true? Would there be a happily ever after? They never knew. They would never have the chance to find the answers. But, what is a miracle? What is forever? Would there ever be an answer to these questions? Were they looking for hope that had never existed in the first place?

            And, do they need an answer anyway?

            They exchanged gazes, the breeze bringing with it the delicate fragrance of heather, brushing past them like an old friend welcoming them back home. If they could stay with each other like this, nothing else mattered anymore.

            At least for Tetsuo, his wish had come true – for he’d managed to protect Youji like this, despite how cruel fate had been to them.


	36. Pretense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Masquerade AU, based on CHiRAL Night 10th Anniversary Sweet Pool Design

He felt out of place. Nothing of the place he was in, and nothing of everything he was wearing epitomized him from the inside out. In fact, they were a contrast of who he was – hefty, luxurious, exaggerated. He felt lucky that he wasn’t the only person having to walk around in this kind of attire though, even though it’s merely part of what this occasion was about. He fumbled around the thick layers of clothing he was wearing, the ornaments hanging around the edge of them brushing against his skin as he adjusted the shrouding cloak. The long beads of chain hanging from his head followed the motion of his head’s movement, swaying when he did as much as turning his head.

It’s starting to feel hot after he hung around for an hour, the glass of orange juice in his hand long finished. He looked around again, attempting to find someone he knew, just to realize that it was an effort in vain – this was a masquerade party and needless to say, everyone was wearing  _masks_  (him included) and it’s impossible to tell one from another. It’s something he came to appreciate; even if he was to make a fool out of himself, no one would be able to recognize him anyway. But then again, the whole atmosphere of this place just felt… wrong, and he wanted nothing more than to pull himself out of it.

He sighed, wondering why he’d allowed himself to be tugged into this situation all over again.

He’d known about this party since a month ago – it’s the hottest topic in town, a party that was an annual celebration, a tradition of its very own. But he’d never been to one ever. He never deemed the need to be part of this kind of celebration, constantly feeling that it’s no place for him to be and that there’s no merit whatsoever if he was to follow the flow. But this year, he was unlucky to have bumped into Makoto in the midst of his shopping, then Zenya, who eventually dragged both of them to shop after shop, searching for costumes – for  _all of them_.

It was a tough mud puddle he’d stepped into. And before he knew it, he was already standing in front of a mirror in the changing room, staring bemusedly at his appearance – dressed in heavy, thick clothing, accessories dangling from the layers of cloth, and a hat on his head alongside the elusive beads hovered over it, giving his look a faint sense of sophistication.

He didn’t look like him at all – he felt like he was staring at a different persona of himself, a part of himself which he didn’t even know. It was both exciting and terrifying at the same time, and it made him feel as if this decision to be part of something he never been able to fit in as a choice well made after all.

But now that he was in the situation himself, standing in his corner, overwhelmed by extravagance that belonged in a different world from his, he started doubting his decision all over again.

He wanted to go home.

He simply needed to find a chance to escape.

He eyed the door, standing not far from it and placed his empty glass on the tall table next to him before he straightened himself up, preparing to make his move.

When he got home, he’d stripe himself off this heavy clothing, grab a simple dinner, take a good bath, and simply  _be himself_.

Yup, he’d do that.

But before he could move away, his route was gridlocked by a man – tall, blond, wearing the same extent of luxury on his own body, just that it looked way more gorgeous than how Youji wore it himself. He was wearing a black mask with golden lining, obscuring most of his face with only the lower part of it being visible. Under the vague lighting from where they were standing in the corner, Youji noticed the faded colour of yellow in his eyes, twinkling with beautiful blaze of elegance, before he found himself gaping.

“Ah, sorry,” he started. He needed to get out of this place and this wasn’t the time for him to be ogling at another man.

“Leaving?”

The man’s voice was deeper than he thought it’d be. Nodding, he replied,

“Yeah.”

“So soon?”

He didn’t sound like he’s at all enjoying himself either, so why should he be concerned if Youji was about to take his leave now?

“I’ve got… some other things to attend to,” he quickly brushed.

The man said nothing. Simply sipping on his glass of juice, he remained standing on the spot, staring at Youji as if analyzing him from the inside out. Then, he placed his glass on the table, inching closer towards Youji that had Youji moving backwards intuitively.

“Do you want to dance?”

“Huh?”

He couldn’t connect the dots at all – this man coming to him, talking to him when he’s about to leave and answered nothing of the flooding questions in his head. Perhaps it’s someone he knew, but if it’s so, it felt weird that the man wasn’t telling him who he was now – a simple greeting, that’s all Youji needed.

Then, perhaps… he’s merely a stranger – a bored one, perhaps – who was simply looking out for some fun?

“I’m sorry but—“ he started, but the man grasped his wrist before he could finish, the strength not tight but strong enough to have Youji swallowing the remaining of his words down his throat.

“It wouldn’t take long.”

Before he could say another word, he was escorted onto the dance floor, the attention he was so desperately trying to avoid puncturing him from all sides as he stood under the bright chandeliers.

The music streamed between them like swift veins, interweaving their steps together. He never knew how to dance but the man was patient – he took his hands in his own, holding them in great classiness as he guided his steps. Even when there were times when Youji would accidentally step on his feet, the composure on the man’s face remained unbothered, merely pulling a trifling smile on the corners of his lips before they continued their steps. Soon, he found himself falling into the comfortable course the man was steering him into, completely allowing his body to become one with the melody as he moved on his own instinct, the gracelessness from before long gone as he found himself actually… enjoying it.

For the entire time, all the man did was staring at him, eyes fixed confoundedly on his without saying a word. It felt kind of awkward at first, to have someone staring so intensely and in such a close-up manner at him like this. But as he got used to it, he was engulfed in this contented silence between himself and the man, returning his gaze and mirroring his smile when necessary.

He wondered what the man was thinking as they danced like this? Was he thinking about anything at all?

And why did he choose to approach him amongst everyone else?

Before he knew it, the music stopped, so as their steps. They stood in the center of the dance floor, merely staring, unsure of what to do next.

“Do you want to take a breather?” the man asked. And Youji could only nod, still stuck in the man’s drift.

They ended up on the balcony. Breathing profoundly, Youji leaned against the edge of it, staring inanely into the dark sky before he felt the man joining him to stand by his side.

“Did you have fun?” he asked, his words still less, yet straight to the point.

“I guess so,” Youji chuckled. He didn’t expect himself to revel in a dance at all – and he knew it was mostly all thanks to this man.

“Did you?” he asked instead, just to be responded by another small smile from the man.

“Yeah,” he said briefly, then turning around to come face-to-face with Youji.

Now that they no longer had any distractions around them, Youji could finally take a better look of the man’s face – he was definitely taller, bigger-sized than him; his eyes were a good soft colour of yellow, buried with an insinuation of strength that Youji hadn’t captured from before. He couldn’t see his face thanks to the mask he was wearing, but he wondered if he was really a person he knew, and if the man knew him at all.

He wondered how he looked like under the mask.

“Do I… know you?” His question came out beyond his own conscious, rolling right out from his brain to his mouth.

The man smiled again, a response that gave Youji no answer.

Instead, he lifted a hand, bringing it to Youji’s face and cupped it, caressing the outline of Youji’s own mask, then pale texture of Youji’s skin adroitly, carefully.

There was something in the man’s eyes that he couldn’t quite tell – Was it affection? Curiosity?

Or was it something else completely different? Something he never thought of?

He was utterly drawn towards the man – his gentle strokes, his gentle gaze, even the way he said less but expressed a lot. He felt all of these without needing the man to pinpoint everything out to him.

“I’m Youji,” he said, attempting to break the smothering air in between them. “Sakiyama Youji.”

“Youji…” the man repeated, still with a truncated voice that sent chills down Youji’s spine. “Sakiyama Youji.”

He was merely reiterating what Youji had told him but it felt to Youji as if he was memorizing his name, carving it deep to his skull.

“Yeah,” he returned a smile. “And you are—mph!”

The man had leaned towards him before he could finish his words, lips brushed frivolously against his then pressing harder as he kissed him, taking Youji completely off guard. It was tender, yet veiled with obvious impatience. Sweat drenched his skin as he felt a hand encircling around his waist, pulling him towards the man, leaving no space between their lavish attire. He opened his mouth when the man lapped his tongue along his lips, finding that very tongue in his mouth in the next second as they entangled their kiss, wholly submerged in the sweet sensation of pleasure.

When he took their lips off each other, he stared, misty-eyed, at the man, who looked as unruffled as ever.

His body was completely working on pure impulse now, electric shocks running all over his veins as he indulged in the stunning scene of the man. He wanted to know how he looked like under the mask, if he was as perfect as he imagined him to be – if perfection ever existed in another human being.

“Sakiyama Youji,” the man whispered in his ear, hot breath sending goose bumps all over his body. “You’re beautiful.”

He felt his world spin. No one had ever told him this before – perhaps it was because of what he was wearing? Everything that was happening tonight could only be a mere deception, it’s what masquerade parties were for anyway. No one should take anything that was happening tonight seriously. They were merely people attempting to have some fun, under masks that snatched their identities away, allowing them to let their desire loose like how they weren’t able to when they were being  _themselves_.

Was this why he was being so impulsive tonight? Was it because of the very fact that no one – not even this man – would be able to tell who he was that he could allow himself to act  _not_  like himself?

Did this man share his thoughts, then? Was this why he’s not telling him his name? Even after Youji did?

Was he merely being rash? Was he taking everything way too serious?

“I’m sorry,” he pushed the man, separating their intimacy. “I need to go.”

He didn’t need to. But the sheer thought of him being fooled around when he was taking this whole encounter a bit too seriously was giving him a solemn hit on his pride and he wasn’t sure if he was able to stay composed now that reality had dawned upon him.

“Thank you for tonight,” he bid a courteous farewell, no longer able to look the man in the eyes. The man clutched his hand before he could walk away, pulling him back as his hand was lifted to his lips.

He felt a soft sensation pressed against it, causing him to hitch a breath.

Then, he escaped – he turned his back so fast that he couldn’t bear to look the man in the eyes again.

This was the worse. He should’ve left from the moment he decided to. Now he was tossed in this complicated confusion that would never rest in his chest.

And he couldn’t tell if this was a good night – or simply a disastrous one.

* * *

Going back to being himself was great. He instantly felt a weight being lifted off his chest the instance he took the mask off, alongside the profound clothing dragging his thoughts back.

He went to work in the convenience store down the street, back to his daily routine, trying not to think too hard on what had happened during the night but to no avail. Every night, he’d lay in bed, reiterating everything that had happened between him and the man in his head like a broken recorder. He wished he knew who the man was, but it was futile. They weren’t supposed to be known, yet he exposed himself just like that, just so natural, opening himself like a switch being flipped. It’s not like him at all and it exasperated him. Now he was left with nothing but memories and the sensation of the man’s kiss against his own skin as a fervid reminder of how nothing that had happened was virginally his own imagination.

“Thank you for coming!” he sighed under his breath after he bid a customer goodbye, returning to checking on the stocks in the shop, still thinking about the night. He really needed to get a grip on himself. The man had most likely forgotten about him, treating him like a one-night entertainment; unlike him, who had been thinking about him for the entire week now.

This is pathetic, he cursed at himself. Why should he be so attached to a man he didn’t know anyway? It’s foolish and  _so unlike him_  to be distressed by something like this. He should forget everything and move on.

With another sigh, he looked up just in time to see a customer walking towards the counter, immediately conjuring a smile, a habit from work.

“Welcome!” he said. The man stared at him, actions frozen, as Youji returned his gaze. For a long time, they merely fixed eyes with each other, black met soft yellow, until when someone tapped the customer from the back that he came back to himself.

“A-ah, is this everything?” Youji asked, trying to recover from the abrupt interruption.

The man merely nodded. He didn’t seem like anyone outstanding – a tall man in his casual wear, wearing an indifferent look as if he was bothered by the most troublesome matter in the world. It’s definitely not someone who’d catch Youji’s attention if they were to brush shoulders on the road.

But then.

_But then_.

“Thank you for coming! Please come again!”

He spoke his customary speech, his mind in a state of turbulence, his heart thumping deafeningly in his ears.  _Why_ , he wondered. Did he meet him before? Somewhere?

_Where_?

He wished he could’ve spoken more to him but other customers came flowing to him, completely having him to distract himself from the intention before he attended to the other customers, frustration swamping the entire of his insides.

If things hadn’t been the worse, it was made worse when it started raining the moment he finished his shift.  He stepped out of the store, sighing cripplingly at the downpour. He was so sidetracked he’d forgotten his umbrella. Now he’d need to wait for a few more hours before he could walk home. Or he could run home, which was purely yet another impulsive thought that’d never occur to him when he was  _acting like himself_. The masquerade party changed him – the deception curse followed him home, influencing him, causing him to act in ways  _so unlike himself_ it was starting to petrify him.

“Sakiyama Youji.”

His breath caught beneath his chest, his insides turned cold, as cold as the raging wind.

The voice… the voice that he’d been hearing unremittingly in his head for the entire time now –  _ever since the night_  – pulsated right by his ear, obscuring every other sound of downpour.

He turned, unhurriedly, until he came to see the owner of the voice, who was standing right behind him, his umbrella in his hand, hovered above Youji.

It’s the man from before – the man that had caught Youji unexpectedly off guard earlier.

He was tall, blond. His eyes a colour of soft yellow, the gleam of rawness layered over the hint of strength. He smiled the same smile Youji had engraved into his brain, a smile that was nothing exaggerated but yet so genuine, so natural, everything Youji loved in a man.

“I’ve found you.”

He never knew the name of the man – he was simply a deception, a man who hid himself under the mask and one who he never knew of in his entire life.

But now, he knew his name – he was no deception, he was real, a real person, a person Youji was attracted to out of his own instinct: a sincere person he met in that masquerade ball that held of nothing but exaggerated deception, of realities people were too afraid to face, to escape from.

But this man was none of those – with or without his mask, he acted the same, like how Youji remembered of him.

And his name was Shironuma Tetsuo.


	37. one touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s just a simple touch, but it means the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized I didn’t post this Drabble which is hiding in my draft? Well, now it’s up _(:3/L

It’s not hard to spot the difference between them. It’s not much, but there are still some differences that often has Youji staring a bit too long at Tetsuo.

His body, specifically.

Tetsuo’s body is fine; more than fine, actually. He has that build many would adore; the body line of his muscles a feature Youji never gets to see a lot, but has come to adore.

And whenever he gets the chance to just… touch Tetsuo’s very skin, the faint warmth radiating through his fingers, smearing directly into the core of his heart, often makes him feel as if he’s touching something way too forbidden for him to lay his fingers on.

But, every time he’s to do this, Tetsuo would always stare at him – heatedly, as if he’s waiting for something. And it’s often that one hinting gaze Tetsuo gives him that has Youji leaning forward, pulling their distance closer, holding his breath.

The idea of Tetsuo  being his, the idea of him being Tetsuo’s sound like a far-fetched illusion he’d never expect himself to visualize. But now – it’s no illusion, it’s no dream. 

Tetsuo is his, and he’s Tetsuo’s. The fact so very palpable, on his very skin, on his very soul.

“Can I…?” he asked slowly, tracing feather-like touches on Tetsuo’s face, feeling his rough skin texture.

Tetsuo nods, with a smile so small yet so beautiful that it becomes a trigger for Youji to pull their distance /closer/, planting a soft kiss on Tetsuo’s cheek, then inching downwards, where he finds his neck.

Tetsuo is his, and if he is to accept this very truth, he might as well let the world, and more importantly, Tetsuo, knows it as well.


End file.
